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Musings of a Man Who Won the Lottery, Without Knowing How a Lottery Works

Wow. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I’d have this much money!

It seems like only yesterday that I was living day to day, trying to make ends meet in my lowly job as a public toilet cleaner.

In fact, it was yesterday… and it was only a week ago that I decided to suck it up and buy my ticket to a better life.

In hindsight, I can’t see why I was so reluctant to ever buy into the whole lottery ‘thing’ in the first place. I guess I just didn’t believe that it was possible to achieve such enormous wealth so quickly and easily!

I’m still coming to terms with the fact that this process is even logical… I mean, if it’s really this easy, why doesn’t everyone just go out and buy 9.5 million dollars?

It’s really quite simple: You buy a ticket that costs eight dollars, and a few days later you exchange your ticket for 9.5 million dollars… hello??? Does any one else want to get in on this?!

Still now, I walk down the street asking random people if they have ever considered buying 9.5 million dollars, and they all look at me like I’m nuts! One unexplainably angry man even punched me in the face when I kept referring to the millions of dollars I’d acquired and repeatedly asked him why he hadn’t attempted to attain the same amount of money for his family, and mentioned that perhaps he was a failure as a father and husband for not buying money from the lottery himself.

In fact, I blame the lottery for not advertising their services more. I’m sure if word got out more about the fantastic service they offer the public, people would just be lining up to buy their own 9.5 million dollars (alright, $9,499,992 after the eight dollars you pay for the privilege!).

Admittedly, I’m no economist, but one can’t help but think that maybe if everyone had purchased 9.5 million dollars more often that the world economy would not be in such a bad shape right now.
We might even all be driving Lamborghini’s and living in palatial mansions right now!

Hopefully I’ve begun to spread the word about the lottery and all it has to offer people. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go yachting!

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Money, Money, Money (Must Be Funny)

Money is like a hideously deformed albino dwarf.

I don’t like thinking about it, but I feel at ease knowing it’s hidden in a sock under my bed for when I need it.

I don’t like discussing my financial situation in front of friends. It’s a personal subject and talking about my own money makes me feel slightly uneasy, which is why I instead insist on flagrantly displaying wads of it in front of their faces, and sometimes lighting cigars with it, thereby avoiding the need to talk about it directly.

Unlike a growing number of people around the world, I have a relatively steady job. (And no, as popular as this blog is, it’s not as a professional blogger! *Chuckles to self while puffing from corncob pipe.*

I often wonder to myself what lengths I would go to for money, offering myself likely hypotheticals such as…

  • Would I eat piece of dog shit for a million dollars?
  • Would I chop my own arm off for 100 million dollars?
  • Would I give my dad a blow job and eat my own shit for a billion dollars?

Most of the time I find myself completely disregarding the money and flat out rejecting the absurd scenarios playing out in my mind (although a billion dollars is a lot of money… hmm) .
Besides, I quickly lose interest because I can not understand why someone would want to pay me so much to do such hideous things…

Don’t get me wrong, I love to buy stuff.  I’m completely materialistic and just enjoy having things. It’s fantastic. But I go by the old addage, “work to live, don’t live to work”, which, in a lot of ways is similar to my previous motto, “DOLLA DOLLA BILLZ YO”.

This may be the reason I enjoy watching VH1’s I Love Money so damn much.

The contestants are straight up vile people. They’re stupid. They’re obnoxious. They have ridiculous names like ‘Real’, ‘Toastee’, and ‘Midget Mac’.

But therein lies the appeal. I could watch Whiteboy abuse Mr Boston for hours and still be completely besotted by the whole thing. It’s pure entertainment. I never miss it. In fact I wanna watch it right now!

I can’t stand most reality television shows.
But I Love Money is just so. fucking. trashy.

We get to witness heinous people who in every day life we would probably hate with a passion, embarrass themselves week after week in the name of $200,000. It’s genius.

One of the best aspects of the whole show is the host, CJ, who clearly harbours a burning resentment for each and every one of the contestants, but hides it behind a cool, calm, distinctly urban veneer.

So watch I Love Money.
And if you live somehwhere where the first series is already over, be sure to check out VH1’s next trashy offering… RuPaul Drag Race 2! Should be a hoot!

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How To Get A Girlfriend

So I was hanging around the lingerie department of Target today, just minding my own business for about 4 hours, when it suddenly dawned on me…

I am such a ladies man!

How many dudes do you know that actually devote a substantial part of their weekday afternoons to appreciating female undergarments?

Well, if the looks I get at Target are anything to go by, it’s not a commonplace thing.

So as a massive favour to any desperadoes out there in need of some pointers, I’ve decided to apply my expertise in the world of dating, to write my very own self-help guide…

So without further ado, here is my definitive guide on acquiring yourself a shiny new ladyfriend to love and treasure and etc…

STEP ONE:

Okay, so you’ve decided you want to throw out your pornos/blowup doll/fleshlight and get a real life human girlfriend.

That’s great and all, but there’s still the matter of meeting a girl you want to actually date. But in order to get a girl, you’re going to have to THINK and ACT like a girl.

When I say think and act like a girl, I’m not suggesting anything too extreme.

Some examples I have in mind might include going to the feminine hygiene aisle at Safeway and checking out the products available, or watching Twilight then joining an Edward Cullen Facebook group.

You may also like to wear perfume and pantyhose,  go to chat rooms pretending to be a girl and saying dirty things to random men, then arrange to meet them then stand them up… just to get yourself in the correct mindset.

What you choose to do is totally up to you, but it is a vital step.

STEP TWO:

Once you think you’ve got a good grasp on what being a lady is all about, get changed back into your male clothing and head to a pick-up joint.

Lots of men go to bars and nightclubs to meet women. While these places are acceptable, I find the best place to find women is a place you absolutely know they are going to be… their houses.

If you see a woman you think you’d like to have familiar relations with, simply follow them back to their house. Then hang around outside for a while. When they leave again, break into their house and rummage through their belongings, being sure to wear their clothes and jewelery and maybe even take a short nap in their bed.

transvestite1

Doing this will give you a greater understanding of what they’re like. If you find you don’t share any common interests with the woman, simply scrawl a threatening note on their bathroom mirror and leave. If, however, you find the woman interesting, it’s time to move onto step 3…

STEP THREE:

Once you have acquired the relevant information on your woman of choice, (address, phone number, credit details, name of husband, etc) it is now time to gain her attention.

Firing a weapon in a crowded area tends to work, but if you prefer a subtler method, why not pose as a computer repair man at her office, and while her back is turned, sniff her hair.

When she asks you what the fuck you’re doing, simply ramble incoherently about your feelings and how everyone around you is out to get you and your mother is a brain-dead moron who never really loved you.

This is sure to get you on her good side!

…AND THE REST IS UP TO YOU!

By now she won’t be able to get you off her mind, and you’ll dominate every waking hour of her existence. If she changes her name or address, don’t worry, it’s all part of the falling in love process, and one day she’ll realize it was you she wanted all along.

Just make sure you keep a lock of her hair in case she never returns.

GOOD LUCK!

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Mammoth Idea

With revelations that the legendary Woolly Mammoth is just a Giant Sloth’s petrified hair away from being cloned and brought back to it’s logical habitat in the present day (the supermarket freezer section), I have decided to propose to scientists that we render extinct two birds with one stone, and clone these presumably friendly giants to our own, and the environments, advantage.

How? I hear you think.

“Lol, I’m just a head”

Listen here: Cars are no doubt a massive part of the whole climate change thing, right? (Seriously, I don’t really know, I’m just guessing they are. To be honest I don’t really care.)

Well, what say we dispose of them entirely, and ride Mammoths everywhere?!?

Think about how sick it would be! We clone these suckers, with a few slight modifications, and they’re a clean, friendly, not to mention delicious mode of transport for people the world over!

Here are some proposals I have put forth…

*Modify the DNA so that Mammoths contain roughly a dozen seating compartments on their back… maybe splice in some bus genes, or something, I dunno… you’re the scientists.

*Make it so there’s an escalator running down the side of the mammoth for easy access to the seats. Blend in some escalator genes. Easy.

*Splice in some spa bath atoms or whatever, so the mammoth has a spa bath on it. This is possibly my favourite part of the whole idea. I love spas.

*As well as the two natural tusks, why not make these things look as majestic as shit and add a third tusk to the forehead?

*Give that third tusk a massive machine gun.

*Remove part of the mammoth’s head so a driver can sit in their and control the mammoth using a series of electric shocks and intense mammoth-orgasms.

*Make the grow running shoes, so they can go fast.

*Chuck in some cathode ray molecules so the mammoths have giant TV screens the passengers can watch.

*Modify their genes so that they smile uncontrollably.

*Make the mammoth’s eyes red, so that when they see, it’s like the display the robots from 80’s action films see.

*Give the mammoths dragon’s tails. Pretty rad.

*Passengers will parachute off the mammoths.

If any of you is thinking this will look utterly ridiculous, I believe you are wrong, and to prove it I’ve drawn up this handy diagram:

mammothNobel Prize, here I come.

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Some Poems

My Girlfriend
I really love my girlfriend
I think of her all day
But it shits me when she hits me
In that playful way
So I filed a law suit against her for assault
The trial starts Monday


Keith, The Sedimentary Rock With Clinical Depression

Down the beaten path
Under a big leaf
Lives a sedimentary rock
Who goes by the name of Keith
Outwardly Keith wore a smile
But inside he was a mess
Keith was the only rock he knew
That was clinically depressed
It hard to find a councillor
Who’ll listen to a stone
No appointment could be made for Keith
Cos he can’t pick up a phone
Had no friends in whom to confide
He did not have a lot
This may be the reason Keith
Has started smoking pot

Monopoly
Here we are just me and you
We got nothing else to do
Monopoly! We’ll see this through

It’s been so long since I have played
Ignore the rulebook, it’s okay
I’m the thimble, you’re the train

We start at Go and watch in glee
Look at that, I rolled a three
Score Whitechapel property!

I rolled a seven, cruise the streets
Just visiting the local clink
Monopoly is fully sick!

Northumberland is all for you
Who needs that shitty avenue
Electric Co. earned from my two

Community chest what a wank
Don’t take the money I’m the bank!
Fine, just take it anyway

I’m brooding now, I roll a five
I hit the chest, so now’s my time!
This thing says I should pay a fine…

Well, what for? It doesn’t say
That makes no sense so I won’t pay
You take my fine and call me gay

Your properties are looking vast
I roll a five and land on chance
Now it says I’m “drunk in charge”

The boardgame gods must hate my guts
I just can’t score an ounce of luck
I yell out loud “This game is fucked!”

I grab a fist of red hotels
And throw them down into the ground
You tell me calmly to sit down

I sit and roll and promptly fail
Because I land on “Go to Jail”
My wad of cash is looking frail

I’m finally out after three rolls
But get caught trespassing on your hotels
I flip the board into the wall

Fuck the game Monopoly
It always gets the best of me
I’m pushed until the nth degree

So sitting here, nothing to do
I should not have played that game with you
Next time we’ll just play Guess Who

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Stuff White People Like…

Going to the website Stuff White People Like and being offended by the content of said website and leaving narky messages about how the website is racist and not thinking that you should just take some things with a grain of salt and sometimes it’s okay not to decipher every aspect of the internet and I cant believe one of the categories is “Irony” yet most of the commenters on the site don’t seem to comprehend the concept at all and oh my God get a sense of humor, fucktards.

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New Sites On The Block

Hi, I have a new website, if you’d care to take a look and tell all your friends about it, so you can say “Hey, remember how we were among the first people to visit Mediocrity Strikes!, the world’s most awesomest website? We’re uber-trendy!”

http://www.mediocritystrikes.wordpress.com

If you have any examples of mediocrity [whatever you believe that to mean] be sure to send them through to me at mediocritystrikes@gmail.com!

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