Some Poems

My Girlfriend
I really love my girlfriend
I think of her all day
But it shits me when she hits me
In that playful way
So I filed a law suit against her for assault
The trial starts Monday


Keith, The Sedimentary Rock With Clinical Depression

Down the beaten path
Under a big leaf
Lives a sedimentary rock
Who goes by the name of Keith
Outwardly Keith wore a smile
But inside he was a mess
Keith was the only rock he knew
That was clinically depressed
It hard to find a councillor
Who’ll listen to a stone
No appointment could be made for Keith
Cos he can’t pick up a phone
Had no friends in whom to confide
He did not have a lot
This may be the reason Keith
Has started smoking pot

Monopoly
Here we are just me and you
We got nothing else to do
Monopoly! We’ll see this through

It’s been so long since I have played
Ignore the rulebook, it’s okay
I’m the thimble, you’re the train

We start at Go and watch in glee
Look at that, I rolled a three
Score Whitechapel property!

I rolled a seven, cruise the streets
Just visiting the local clink
Monopoly is fully sick!

Northumberland is all for you
Who needs that shitty avenue
Electric Co. earned from my two

Community chest what a wank
Don’t take the money I’m the bank!
Fine, just take it anyway

I’m brooding now, I roll a five
I hit the chest, so now’s my time!
This thing says I should pay a fine…

Well, what for? It doesn’t say
That makes no sense so I won’t pay
You take my fine and call me gay

Your properties are looking vast
I roll a five and land on chance
Now it says I’m “drunk in charge”

The boardgame gods must hate my guts
I just can’t score an ounce of luck
I yell out loud “This game is fucked!”

I grab a fist of red hotels
And throw them down into the ground
You tell me calmly to sit down

I sit and roll and promptly fail
Because I land on “Go to Jail”
My wad of cash is looking frail

I’m finally out after three rolls
But get caught trespassing on your hotels
I flip the board into the wall

Fuck the game Monopoly
It always gets the best of me
I’m pushed until the nth degree

So sitting here, nothing to do
I should not have played that game with you
Next time we’ll just play Guess Who

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