Johnny’s Playing John… But Can He Play John?

He was one of the most notorious criminals of the 20th century.

John Dillinger rode a wave of notoriety throughout the early 1930’s by robbing banks, killing police officers in cold blood and returning library books well past the due date with not even an apology.

It is only fitting then, that one of the most accomplished actors of our time, Johnny Depp, will be playing him in the upcoming biopic about the ruthless killer, Public Enemies.

The one flaw in the casting it would seem though, is that Depp looks absolutely nothing like his depression-era counterpart.

Where Dillinger had a high forehead, receding hairline, small porcine ears, thin lips and cleft chin… Depp counters these physical features by being, well, stunningly beautiful.

It is becoming increasingly clear that Depp, delving deep into ever deeper depths every year, is forever searching for the meaty roles offered to an accomplished actor of his ilk.

Which brings us to John Allen Muhammad.

Muhammed, speaking from Sussex County, Virginia, where he is being kept on death row for the murder of up to 17 people in 2002, has expressed his interest in being played by Johnny Depp in a film about his life.

While  Muhammed has been told of the effectiveness of modern film make-up techniques in transforming human features, he has gone as far as saying he would considering undergoing a facial re-construction to look more like Depp if that would secure the Hollywood stars acting prowess.

“I seen Johnny in all his movies.” Muhammed explains enthusiastically from his dank jail cell.

“I mean if he can play Dillinger, George Jung, J.M. Barrie… yo I seen that J.M. Barrie… motherfucker had a moustache! Depp aint never had no moustache!… Surely he can play me!”

While Muhammed languishes in his cell, imminent death hovering over his head like a halo, only an evil halo that breathes acid from it’s eyes, we pose Depp the possibilty of playing the slippery sniper on the silver screen.

“Well, that would be a tough one,” Depp says of the role.

“I mean he is a criminal… so I suppose I could play him. I do enjoy playing people on that particular side of the law. And I mean, if he’s willing to undergo a procedure to look more like me that would certainly help.”

With the Muhammed-penned script, complete with barely-there premise, jumpy narrative, and aggressive overtones of pro-Taliban rhetoric gathering hype in Hollywood circles as a potential indie sleeper hit, Tinsel-town players are keeping an ear out regarding big-name actors considering being attatched the key roles.

“Well, without giving too much away, there are a few main characters that are key to the success of the story.” Explains Muhammed.

“Of course there is the main character, me; also my accomplice Lee Boyd Malvo; the elven princess who sent me on my quest, Lady Fallangey; and of course the Rabbit Overlord of the Canadian Black Rebel Nation. This shit is deep.”

When pressed on his view of the potential of casting an actor like Depp into the lead role, an un-named Hollywood producer expresses doubt in the actor’s ability to pull off the part of John Allen Muhammed.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Johnny, I think he’s great. But for obvious reasons I just don’t see him being able to convincingly play John Allen Muhammed, I’m sorry.”

“It’s quite obvious that Johnny’s time as an indie darling is past him. We have to look at young fresh actors to play Muhammed. Actors like Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Kieren Culkin… these are actors I see immersing themselves in this man’s life.”

It seems that whatever your view, this nearly-mentally-retarded-killer/visionary’s life is sure to attract a lot of attention over the coming months.

“Yo I haven’t actually seen all of Johnny’s movies. They won’t let me watch Edward Scissorhand… I can’t see scissors or I get angry, dog.”

Rudd, Obama Shower Each Other In Praise, Love Juices

Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd met with US President Barack Obama at the White House yesterday.

The pair met and discussed global affairs concerning their respective nations, in what seasoned political commentator Laurie Oakes described as a “diplomatic wank-fest”.

“I think he’s doing a terrific job, and I’m looking forward to partnering with him for some years to come,” Mr Obama said while getting down on his knees, preparing to pull down Mr Rudd’s trousers.

Mr Rudd, kissing Mr Obama up and down his neck softly and tenderly, said it was good to have the US “back on board” on world economics and global warming.

As he slowly rubbed lotion into Mr Obama’s rippling pecs, Mr Rudd discussed with the President the need for immediate global action on the “enduring challenge” of climate change.

“It’s going to be tough, it’s going to be hard, it’s going to require a lot of political leadership,” he said, referring to either the challengers of climate change or to Mr Obama’s so-called “throbbing stimulus package”.

<Mainly ripped off from news.com.au>

Prehistoric Tree Removed to Make Way For Monument to Prehistoric Tree

A one-million year old Queensland pine tree, the so-called “Woonembi Peace Pine”, has been uprooted and mulched to make way for a multi-million dollar monument honoring the history of the same tree.

The Woonembi Peace Pine Memorial, built on the spot of the original, will contain artifacts relating to the tree, it’s effect on the local community, and even original pieces of the tree, salvaged before the iconic pine was unceremoniously shoved into a council wood-chipper.

“We really believe this over-priced and economically unviable project is the perfect way to honour the history of this mighty tree”, said local councillor Fred Gibbons, “It’s the next-best thing to actually being able to approach the tree and touch it with your own hands.”

It is believed the new high-tech memorial will include an activity center containing a full-scale replica of the Peace Pine. After donning safety-harnesses and helmets fitted with heart rate monitors and personal communication devices, children will be able to climb the replica in order to discover what it was like to climb a real tree.

“This monument will be a 100% modern, family-friendly tribute to an essential part of our local history.” Explained Mr Gibbons, sweating profusely.

Historians believe the giant prehistoric tree was once a traditional meeting place for the local Aboriginal tribes, where they would negotiate peace terms and hold joyous corroborees all through the night.

When asked for comment, a local Aboriginal elder shed a single tear.

Richie Benaud Undergoes Radical Facelift Procedure

Richie Benaud, former Australian Test team captain, and voice of cricket in Australia for nearly 50 years, has undergone a radical facelift procedure in an attempt to fight the ravages of age.

Benaud, 78, says he was compelled to have the surgery because he just “did not feel sexy anymore.”

“Sometimes I woke up in the morning and looked in the mirror, and just didn’t recognise the face looking back at me,” the longtime broadcaster says.

“Hopefully now this procedure will boost my confidence, and I’ll be able to have my picture taken without shying away from the lens.”

Mr Benaud’s long-time television commentary partner, Tony Grieg says there has been a notable change in Benaud’s attitude since undergoing the extensive procedure. “Oh yes, my word, Richie looks incredible. In fact I don’t believe I have felt this physically attracted to Richie since the days of World Series Cricket in the 70’s.

“I heard he’s been slated to grace the front page of GQ next month, which is simply marvellous.”

Since the change in his appearance, Mr Benaud has been spotted walking contentedly along a beach with a loose, white unbuttoned shirt flowing in the breeze, and driving in his new Dodge Viper convertible, complete with scantly-clad young women running their fingers through his hair whilst giggling.

“This is the new Richie”, says Mr Benaud, “You crackas better recognise.”

Richie Beanaud, before and after his cosmetic surgery.

Fidel Castro Announces Plans To Form Run DMC Tribute Group

My Adidas … a “straight-up gangsta” Fidel Castro poses with Chilean President Michelle Bachelet.

Bill Gates Turning Into Evil Villain

Microsoft owner Bill Gates today released a jar full of mosquitoes during a technology and design conference in California, doing nothing to quell recent reports of his gradual transition into a second-rate supervillain.

Gates alledgedly screamed “Not only poor people should experience this!”, before unleashing the swarm on the unsuspecting audience and subsequently disappearing in a cloud of purple smoke, laughing maniacally.

Gates’ wife Melinda has confirmed that Mr Gates has finally run out of constructive things to spend his vast fortune on.

NT Town to Experience Phenominal Population Growth

A Northern Territory town is set to claim the highest population growth rate in Australia this year.

The population of Tinea Creek is set to explode by 100% in October 2009, when the isolated township’s only two residents, Les and Marg McGinley are expected to give birth to twin boys, setting an unprecedented population growth record for an Australian regional centre.

“We’re just so excited for the town” said Mrs McGinley, 36. “This place has suffered some setbacks in the past, but to know that our population will be doubled within 9 months is amazing news!”

Tinea Creek has, in the past, been something of a statistical anomaly, being the only town in the country to ever lose 33% of it’s population in a calendar year, when, in 2006, Les’ father died due to exposure to an angry crocodile.

“Sure, 2006 was a hard year for the town,” Mr McGinley explains, “but we, as a community, managed to pull through it all, and now look where we are. It’s incredible the resurgence this place has experienced.”

Mr McGinley, who, as well as owning a 300,000 hectare cattle station, serves as the town mayor, postman, publican, storeman, and statistician, predicts the coming population boom will boost the town economy for the better, especially in sales of milk formula, toys, and Wiggles DVDs.

Mrs McGinley, who serves as town planner, has put in place a $150 budget towards new infrastructure for the area, including plans for a used swing set and rubber stoppers to cover the sharp corners of tables and desks.

The nation’s population growth rate currently stands at 1.7%, which, contrasted with Tinea Creek’s expected increase, see’s the small town heading up what NT Chief Minister Paul Henderson calls “a renaissance of the north.”

“All citizens of the Northern Territory are proud of the achievements of Tinea Creek, an achievement clearly stating what we in the territory already know… we’re the most progressive, forward thinking, people-friendly place in Australia.” Mr Henderson said, before opening his third VB longneck of the morning and promptly skoling the contents.

Mrs McGinley has a more community-based viewpoint. “We’re just so excited about what this all means for the town,” she says. “People often think of Tinea Creek as a vast, crumbling, ugly desert backwater… but with the new arrivals expected, I can imagine Tinea Creek may even get it’s own postcode.”
“That’s the dream.” Adds a tearful Mr McGinley.

***

Editors note: Since publication, the McGinleys have discovered that their pregnancy turned out to just be bad indigestion on Mrs McGinley’s part, halting Northern Territory plans for a Sydney-Tinea Creek train line, and the planned Tinea Creek international airport.

Homeless Man Offers Hero Pilot ‘Double the Pay’ To Work For Him

Crazy homeless man, Fred Grossman, has made an irresistible job offer to the “hero” pilot of a US Airways plane that landed in New York’s Hudson River last month.

Mr Grossman, a hobo who believes himself to be a Richard Branson-esque entrepreneurial airline and record label owner, said he would spare no expense to poach pilot Chesley Sullenberger, whose breathtaking landing into the Hudson River saved the lives of 150 passengers.

“I’d like him to come fly for us,” Mr Grossman told New York’s Daily News from his makeshift cardboard box home. “We’ll make him the best-paid pilot at Fred Grossman Airlines – we’ll give him double the salary of anybody else.

“He also can become one of the astronauts in my intergalactic spaceship company.”

Mr Sullenberger, 58, hasn’t ruled out moving from US Airways to Mr Grossman’s completely make-believe company, a delusion of Grossman’s, no doubt caused by acute psychiatric problems stemming from years of trauma and heavy substance abuse, “I will be happy to entertain all the things that are coming my way,” he said.

Mr Sullenberger was hailed as a hero after safely landing the passenger jet he was flying, which suffered a double engine failure after taking off from La Guardia airport in New York last month.

Mr Grossman is known to yell vulgarities at strangers, and smoke copious amounts of crack cocaine.

Added Mr Grossman, a putrid smell emanating from his filthy tattered clothing: “If he overcomes the killer dinosaurs, I’ll let him release an album on my record label!”