Monthly Archives: December 2008

Mammoth Idea

With revelations that the legendary Woolly Mammoth is just a Giant Sloth’s petrified hair away from being cloned and brought back to it’s logical habitat in the present day (the supermarket freezer section), I have decided to propose to scientists that we render extinct two birds with one stone, and clone these presumably friendly giants to our own, and the environments, advantage.

How? I hear you think.

“Lol, I’m just a head”

Listen here: Cars are no doubt a massive part of the whole climate change thing, right? (Seriously, I don’t really know, I’m just guessing they are. To be honest I don’t really care.)

Well, what say we dispose of them entirely, and ride Mammoths everywhere?!?

Think about how sick it would be! We clone these suckers, with a few slight modifications, and they’re a clean, friendly, not to mention delicious mode of transport for people the world over!

Here are some proposals I have put forth…

*Modify the DNA so that Mammoths contain roughly a dozen seating compartments on their back… maybe splice in some bus genes, or something, I dunno… you’re the scientists.

*Make it so there’s an escalator running down the side of the mammoth for easy access to the seats. Blend in some escalator genes. Easy.

*Splice in some spa bath atoms or whatever, so the mammoth has a spa bath on it. This is possibly my favourite part of the whole idea. I love spas.

*As well as the two natural tusks, why not make these things look as majestic as shit and add a third tusk to the forehead?

*Give that third tusk a massive machine gun.

*Remove part of the mammoth’s head so a driver can sit in their and control the mammoth using a series of electric shocks and intense mammoth-orgasms.

*Make the grow running shoes, so they can go fast.

*Chuck in some cathode ray molecules so the mammoths have giant TV screens the passengers can watch.

*Modify their genes so that they smile uncontrollably.

*Make the mammoth’s eyes red, so that when they see, it’s like the display the robots from 80’s action films see.

*Give the mammoths dragon’s tails. Pretty rad.

*Passengers will parachute off the mammoths.

If any of you is thinking this will look utterly ridiculous, I believe you are wrong, and to prove it I’ve drawn up this handy diagram:

mammothNobel Prize, here I come.

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How Our Parents Perceive Hip-Hop

“A Rap Song”
By Mum and Dad

1, 2, 3, 4!

(While enacting embarrassing “gang sign” hand movements)

A-Wiggedy wiggedy
A-Wiggedy wiggedy
A-Jiggedy wig wig
A-Wiggedy wig!

Well my name is James’s mum
And I’m here to say
I like the rap music
Every single day!

A-Wiggedy wiggedy
A-Wiggedy wiggedy
A-Jiggedy wig wig
A-Wiggedy wig!

My name is James’s dad
And I wish he’d move out
I like to rap
All the time!

A-Jiggedy-wig-wig

I’m the best rapster since Will Smith
I’m on the double-u dot com!
But how do I turn this thing off?

A-Wiggedy wiggedy
A-Wiggedy wiggedy
A-Jiggedy wig wig
A-Wiggedy woo

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