Monthly Archives: October 2008

British Fare

Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsay, Nigella Lawson… pretty much the three most popular TV chefs around the world.

Do you see anything wrong with this picture?
No? Let me give you a big fat hint:

Um, yeh, they’re British.

When did British cooking become popular?
I thought British food and the people who cooked it were meant to be derided and jeered for all eternity. Instead Jamie Oliver goes home to his hot wife every night and sits in front of the TV and laughs at all of us, while we sit lapping up his 14 different programs every week.

Gordon Ramsay needs to take a look at himself too. I mean, for someone who takes the piss out of the French so much, he certainly serves a lot of French cuisine at that restaurant of his.

I was watching Masterchef today. If you’re unfamiliar with the format, its where they get three aspiring (British) chefs, and get them to create a three course dinner each, and at the end the two judges decide who has the most potential to become a chef, and pick a winner.

The strangest part of the whole process though, is the conversation the two judges have behind closed doors, before deciding on a winner. Today’s show went something like this…

Judge 1: Okay, tonight’s contestants were all very talented. The competition tonight is hotter than a typical beer from this country in which we are living.

Judge 2: Yes, yes, jolly good. Alright let’s talk about Benjamin.

Judge 1: Benjamin. The boy’s going to be a brilliant cook one day. I just really love his guts.

Judge 2: Yes his guts were quite tasty, just the right amount of gristle on that tripe really gave it an extra kick, frightfully delicious. He really put some heart into that stew aswell.

Judge 1: Ah yes, lamb heart I believe it was. Very nice indeed.

Judge 2: Caroline, I don’t think, has what it takes to be a professional chef.

Judge 1: I disagree, I think the meal she created tonight was pure slop.

Judge 2: Yes, but it wasn’t pure enough… I don’t think it could be put right up there with the slop that Benjamin created tonight.

Judge 1: Well she does assure me that her veal recipe is in the embryonic stages right now.

Judge 2: Yes, veal embryo is one of my favourite meals, and I think using the faetal calf in it’s second trimester was a good choice.

Judge 1: I think you’re right, and the less said about that dick she sneakily took from Richard, the better!

Judge 2: Caroline stealing that spotted dick recipe from Richard was indeed one of the shocks of the night, but I think Richard did well to compose himself, and the raw grit he showed was exempliary.

Judge 1: Yes a fine example of raw grit as a starter… I didn’t know eating mouthfuls of dirt could be such a rewarding experience… an inspired choice to be sure.

Judge 2: Agreed. Richard’s cooking brain is second to none.

Judge 1: Just so succulent.

And so on.


Leave a comment

Filed under Humour