Tag Archives: TV

Money, Money, Money (Must Be Funny)

Money is like a hideously deformed albino dwarf.

I don’t like thinking about it, but I feel at ease knowing it’s hidden in a sock under my bed for when I need it.

I don’t like discussing my financial situation in front of friends. It’s a personal subject and talking about my own money makes me feel slightly uneasy, which is why I instead insist on flagrantly displaying wads of it in front of their faces, and sometimes lighting cigars with it, thereby avoiding the need to talk about it directly.

Unlike a growing number of people around the world, I have a relatively steady job. (And no, as popular as this blog is, it’s not as a professional blogger! *Chuckles to self while puffing from corncob pipe.*

I often wonder to myself what lengths I would go to for money, offering myself likely hypotheticals such as…

  • Would I eat piece of dog shit for a million dollars?
  • Would I chop my own arm off for 100 million dollars?
  • Would I give my dad a blow job and eat my own shit for a billion dollars?

Most of the time I find myself completely disregarding the money and flat out rejecting the absurd scenarios playing out in my mind (although a billion dollars is a lot of money… hmm) .
Besides, I quickly lose interest because I can not understand why someone would want to pay me so much to do such hideous things…

Don’t get me wrong, I love to buy stuff.  I’m completely materialistic and just enjoy having things. It’s fantastic. But I go by the old addage, “work to live, don’t live to work”, which, in a lot of ways is similar to my previous motto, “DOLLA DOLLA BILLZ YO”.

This may be the reason I enjoy watching VH1’s I Love Money so damn much.

The contestants are straight up vile people. They’re stupid. They’re obnoxious. They have ridiculous names like ‘Real’, ‘Toastee’, and ‘Midget Mac’.

But therein lies the appeal. I could watch Whiteboy abuse Mr Boston for hours and still be completely besotted by the whole thing. It’s pure entertainment. I never miss it. In fact I wanna watch it right now!

I can’t stand most reality television shows.
But I Love Money is just so. fucking. trashy.

We get to witness heinous people who in every day life we would probably hate with a passion, embarrass themselves week after week in the name of $200,000. It’s genius.

One of the best aspects of the whole show is the host, CJ, who clearly harbours a burning resentment for each and every one of the contestants, but hides it behind a cool, calm, distinctly urban veneer.

So watch I Love Money.
And if you live somehwhere where the first series is already over, be sure to check out VH1’s next trashy offering… RuPaul Drag Race 2! Should be a hoot!

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Richie Benaud Undergoes Radical Facelift Procedure

Richie Benaud, former Australian Test team captain, and voice of cricket in Australia for nearly 50 years, has undergone a radical facelift procedure in an attempt to fight the ravages of age.

Benaud, 78, says he was compelled to have the surgery because he just “did not feel sexy anymore.”

“Sometimes I woke up in the morning and looked in the mirror, and just didn’t recognise the face looking back at me,” the longtime broadcaster says.

“Hopefully now this procedure will boost my confidence, and I’ll be able to have my picture taken without shying away from the lens.”

Mr Benaud’s long-time television commentary partner, Tony Grieg says there has been a notable change in Benaud’s attitude since undergoing the extensive procedure. “Oh yes, my word, Richie looks incredible. In fact I don’t believe I have felt this physically attracted to Richie since the days of World Series Cricket in the 70’s.

“I heard he’s been slated to grace the front page of GQ next month, which is simply marvellous.”

Since the change in his appearance, Mr Benaud has been spotted walking contentedly along a beach with a loose, white unbuttoned shirt flowing in the breeze, and driving in his new Dodge Viper convertible, complete with scantly-clad young women running their fingers through his hair whilst giggling.

“This is the new Richie”, says Mr Benaud, “You crackas better recognise.”

Richie Beanaud, before and after his cosmetic surgery.

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MacGyver Reviews Products On eBay

Ken-Tool Tyre Wrench Set
$29.95

Wow, Ken-Tool really dropped the ball with this product.
They might as well accompany this tyre wrench with a warning label: “Attention! If you happen to be locked in the trunk of a Russian terrorists’ car with highly flammable gas leaking out of the fuel tank and a naked flame inching ever closer to the vehicle, do NOT use this product to try to wench the trunk open!!!”

I mean, this company expects our business, yet their products can’t handle a simple trunk-jimmy?

What, are we living in the dark ages, people?

2 stars.

Review by mac_daddy69

ACCO 100 pack Paper clips
$4.95

So, I was riding an armed nuclear missile that’s hurtling to earth like a supersonic bucking bronco, and long story short, the only way I could disarm this sucker was by using the end of a paper clip to poke the thingy next to the clock.

Done it a million times, never been a big issue…

So I get out my packet of ACCO Paper Clips, (which I never had a problem with before) stick the straightened out clip in, and what happens?

It breaks!

It breaks off in the freaking timing mechanism!

So I had to construct an electro-magnet out of a bolt, some copper wiring and a 9 volt battery just to get the end of the paper clip out of the circuit then fit a new (Officeworks brand) paper clip in to disarm the bomb and save an entire town.

No biggie. That’s fine. I’m not saying it’s ACCO’s fault that 10,000 people nearly died… just… no, screw it that’s exactly what I’m saying.

2.5 stars.

Review by mac_daddy69

Orbit White Sugar-free Gum
$1.50

I’m just gonna say, if you’re ever in a situation where you need to patch a leak in a large canister containing a particularly virulent strain of the ebola virus, you better not be chewing Orbit White Sugarfree Gum.

2 stars.

Review by mac_daddy69

Triple Strike Weed Killer
$22


Triple Strike weed killer is fine…

…if you want to see the lamest explosion of ALL TIME.

Seriously, this thing barely left a hideous scar on Murdoc’s face at all! I could have farted more firepower into him to be honest, and don’t worry, I’ve already written an angrily-worded letter to the people at Triple Strike.

If you want to create a REAL explosion, you’re best off sticking with Gordon’s Trimec weed killer.
if it’s good enough for Afghan terrorists, it’s damn well good enough for MacGyver! (me)

1 star.

Review by mac_daddy69

Victorinox Swiss Army Knife
$32.99

Anyway, in my line of work I use Swiss Army Knives a lot.
Like, it’s kinda my thing.
If I don’t have a reliable Swiss Army Knife, I’m pretty much F to the UCKED.

I like this model Swiss Army Knife very much. It’s sturdy, reliable, and fits snugly in my anus in case terrorists are frisking me and I need to hide it somewhere.

However…

Note to manufacturer, Victorinox: Have you thought about adding a duct tape dispenser to the knife’s already amazing repetoir?
It’s just that, it’d save me a hell of a lot of time.
I mean, it would save me a lot of trouble right now anyway…
I’m tied up in a dungeon and am typing this review on a computer I created out of an elastic band and an old sardine tin.

4.5 stars.

Review by mac_daddy69


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The Olympic Dream: Andrew Gack

Well it’s been an eventful opening to the Olympics, especially with what has gone on with the swimmers just in the past 24 hours.
We join Bruce McAvaney and Duncan Armstrong at the aquatic center for the final of the mens 100.

*Aquatic Center*

Bruce McAvaney: Welcome back to the Beijing Olympic aquatic center. And it’s now finally time for the race that has been all over the news these past few days, the mens 100 metre freestyle final.

Duncan Armstrong: Yeh that’s right Bruce. As we all know by now, a most unfortunate event occurred yesterday, in which almost all of the swimmers from nearly all of the competing nations contracted selmonella from a bad batch of Gatorade. Mandarin flavour I believe.

Bruce: Yes, but one Cinderella story has emerged from the whole tragic event, and that is the remarkable call-up of Andrew Gack, the largely-unknown, fifteen-year-old swimming prodigy from Mildura, to the big race.

Duncan: It is a wonderful story Bruce. Yes, the Olympic committee ruled that due to the events of yesterday, each country with a sick competitor was able to replace them with a healthy member of their squad, and since Gack was the only member of the Aussie team not doubled-over puking into a toilet, he has been put on the starting block to represent his country.

Bruce: It must be a special moment for the young fella.

Duncan: My word, Bruce. Although there has been some talk of Andrew not being in the best physical shape for this event. In fact the selectors were deliberating whether or not to field an Aussie competitor at all.

Bruce: Well he does tip the scales at a hefty 104kg Duncan, but his mother re-assured the Olympic team that he was a “nice young man”, and that the Australian selectors simply did not see his “lovely personality”. And, well, it seems the selectors took a chance with the pugnacious schoolboy.

Duncan: That, coupled with the fact that he suffers debilitating asthma attacks and water sometimes gets up his nose if he goes too deep, were big concerns to the Aussie contingent.

Bruce: Well here come the swimmers now, heading towards their starting blocks. And here we see young Andrew Gack, the nuggety youngster waddling to his position.

Duncan: He certainly is a sight to see, Bruce. Noticibly, Andrew has chosen not to wear the Speedo Fastskin Pro Lazr swimsuit for this event.

Bruce: Yes, Andrew is somewhat of an old-school competitor, in that he feels more comfortable wearing his everyday swimwear while racing. Though I daresay he may be the first Olympic competitor to ever swim in a pair of black boardshorts and a beige “Hot Tuna” T-Shirt. He’s also playing it sun-smart, wearing a cap with a flap on the back of it, with what appears to be his school logo on the front. Good to see from the chubby Victorian.

Duncan: And you can see there Andrew has definately been training outdoors for this event, as he seems to have more freckles scattered over his pale, near-translucent skin than usual, although his mother tells us that one day they’ll all join up and he’ll have an awesome tan that all the cool kids will be jealous of.

Bruce: The swimmers head towards their blocks now. Andrew seems to be having some trouble getting onto his starting block, but a couple of Chinese volunteers get under the chunky youngster, and heave him upwards with their backs. It looks like a tremendous strain, but they finally get him up there.

Duncan: Yes, it’s definately a good effort there from the volunteers. Those ladies should be commended.

Bruce: The swimmers brace themselves for the race.

*Race begins*

Duncan: And they’re off! USA and South African competitors get off to a good start.

Bruce: We see there that Gack didn’t quite get the start he would have been after.

Duncan: No he’s quite a way behind already. He went with the somewhat unorthodox entry technique of the uncontrolled pin-drop.

Bruce: Yes, he jumped in feet first, holding his nose with his fingers, with only the slightest bit of forward momentum. Not nearly enough to make a real transition into his stroke.

Duncan: Speaking of his stroke, we’re used to seeing swimming competitors going with the “crawl” technique in freestyle events, but it seems Andrew is using a more obscure style here. What do you think of this choice, Bruce?

Bruce: I’m not sure if it’s going to pay off for the morbidly-obese wunderkind at all, Duncan. This doggy-paddle/breaststroke hybrid seems a very slow way of getting an edge on his fellow swimmers.

Duncan: That baggy T-Shirt is creating quite a bit of drag, too. There appears to be some air stuck underneath it, and it’s floating upwards into his face. This is a very strange medal attempt here from Gack.

Bruce: Yes, it seems that he doesn’t quite want to get his face wet. He’s struggling to keep his mouth above the surface in a vain attempt to not have to hold his breath for any part of the race. But surely he’s going to have to submerse his face at some point.

Duncan: He probably doesn’t want the blue zinc-cream on his cheeks to wash off either, Bruce.
Well, the other competitors have swum back past Andrew, who has only swum roughly three metres, and is now grabbing onto the lane rope, out of breath. Considering He hasn’t yet gone underwater, that’s a tremendous amount of moisture on his face, Bruce.

Bruce: China first, USA second, and The Netherlands come in third. China’s swimmer just missing out on an Olympic record, there.

Duncan: Great swim there from the Chinese competitor, a somewhat polar-opposite result to Australia’s Andrew Gack.  Who garners himself a disappointing DNF, as a team of volunteers attempt to pull him out of the pool using a series of large sticks and nets.

Bruce: One can’t help but wonder if the results might have be any different had the gelatinous meat-bag been in a Speedo Fastskin Pro Lazr.

Duncan: Questions will be asked, Bruce.

Kids the world over immitate the “Gack-look”.

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Culture Cringe

Uh, this is awkward…

Okay, here goes…

I… am un-Australian.

And no amount of footy-watching, Holden-admiring, four’n’twenty-eating, boogie-boarding, ‘gidday-mawt’ing or binge-drinking is going to change it.

That’s right, a problem even excessive consumption of alcohol can’t remedy…

You see, I have a very specific form of culture-cringe… shameful, yes, but it is one that you will not even find in a particularly venomous Germaine Greer opinion article, no matter how hard you look.

No, this type of culture-cringe appears through the internet, manifesting itself while you’re online, mainly while reading Youtube comments…

Let me explain.

I’m not so sure, but I think I must be the only person in this country that isn’t ridiculously excited to see home-grown, fly-on-the-wall comedy Kath and Kim re-made as an American series.

And it’s not that I dislike the original series.
On the contrary, I think it’s very funny, particulary as I have family who live in Narre Warren (the real-life Fountain Lakes) and are just 2 minutes drive from Fountain Gate shopping centre.

Although the movie-length ‘Da Kath and Kim Code‘ was a bit of a shambles (not least for the uninspiring performance of The Wiggles in a cameo role), the show is comedically strong, which you could say is somewhat of an anomoly in Australian television comedy, and the characters are well developed.
Of course, Gina Riley and Jane Turner have always been very funny writer/performers in their own right.

No, the reason I do not want to see Kath and Kim re-made as an American series is more to do with parochial Australian television viewers who insist on visiting Youtube, then leaving comments about how AUSSIES ARE FUKEN AWSUM SO MUCH BETTR THAN AMERICANS WHERE THJE BEST!!1

Still don’t understand what I’m talking about?

Go to Youtube and watch some clips of the Australian and American versions of Thank God You’re Here.
The amount of my fellow countrymen leaving comments about how our version of TGYH was so much superior to the American one, and how Americans are thieves for stealing OUR TV show (as if these dickheads were the ones that came up with the premise of the show themselves), just makes me want to club someone over the head with a heavy Peter Russel Clarke cookbook.

And I just KNOW it’s going to happen all over again once Molly Shannon and Selma Blair transform themselves into the Seppo Kath and Kim respectively.

Never once does it occur in these people’s minds that pretty much everything we see on Australian television has been developed by the US and then used by us.

What, do you think Peter Hitchener came up with the idea for a news desk? No. Nothing is original except perhaps the content. And when Australian content does get presented to the world, morons of various descriptions act like it’s the best thing ever thought-up and proceed to aggressively glorify it, while putting down achievements of others. And it shits me to tears.

Yes, I cringe for my country when some obviously brain-damaged individual thinks he can win an online argument about whether Australian Rules Football or American Football is tougher with arguments such as “AFL is our game fagetsbest fuckin game in the world.sic song as well” (real quote).

Yes, I cringe when people from Australia use footage of Borat visiting Australia as a forum to discuss why Australia is the bestest country in the world, and nowhere else is worth even shitting on…
Uh… it’s a video about fucking Borat! Why on earth are you arguing about countries comparitive GDP here???

And as production wraps up on the Melbourne set of the American-funded, HBO mini-series, The Pacific, follow-up to the critically acclaimed (and brilliant) Band of Brothers, I am once again torn between pride in my country, with the apparent portrayal of Australian soldiers and civilians in wartime Melbourne, and the inevitable shamefest that will follow when I stumble across footage of the series on Youtube, above comments from some of our nations finest minds, letting everyone know that AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE! SOLDIER DIGGERS PWND THE WAR, WOT WAR IS THIS?? LOL. FUCK AMERICA WE SAVED THEM FROM THE DUTCH1!!

So on the one hand I am glad original content from my country is getting the recognition it deserves, we really do produce some outstanding talent in the arts, television, music, sport, etc… but I just hope this US version of Kath and Kim is the funniest thing ever put on TV, or there are going to be a lot of needlessly patriotic idiots shitting on about it everywhere, and call me un-Australian, but I’m afraid I just don’t care enough about that sort of stuff to get riled up about it.

“OMG I can’t believe you think the US version of The Office is better!”

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All-Purpose TV Guide

Have you ever found yourself looking for your TV guide, too lazy to switch channels to see what’s on, but ironically running around the lounge room like a pig on speed (??) searching for that sacred text?

Well you’ll never need to do so again, now with this handy all-purpose TV guide developed by yours truly… me!… James!

Just print out the page below and keep it contacted to your coffee table. It provides an outstanding guide to what you will expect to see on Australian network TV at any time of day. Guaranteed!* 

Click image to enlarge…

 

*definitely not guaranteed.

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