With revelations that the legendary Woolly Mammoth is just a Giant Sloth’s petrified hair away from being cloned and brought back to it’s logical habitat in the present day (the supermarket freezer section), I have decided to propose to scientists that we render extinct two birds with one stone, and clone these presumably friendly giants to our own, and the environments, advantage.
How? I hear you think.
“Lol, I’m just a head”
Listen here: Cars are no doubt a massive part of the whole climate change thing, right? (Seriously, I don’t really know, I’m just guessing they are. To be honest I don’t really care.)
Well, what say we dispose of them entirely, and ride Mammoths everywhere?!?
Think about how sick it would be! We clone these suckers, with a few slight modifications, and they’re a clean, friendly, not to mention delicious mode of transport for people the world over!
Here are some proposals I have put forth…
*Modify the DNA so that Mammoths contain roughly a dozen seating compartments on their back… maybe splice in some bus genes, or something, I dunno… you’re the scientists.
*Make it so there’s an escalator running down the side of the mammoth for easy access to the seats. Blend in some escalator genes. Easy.
*Splice in some spa bath atoms or whatever, so the mammoth has a spa bath on it. This is possibly my favourite part of the whole idea. I love spas.
*As well as the two natural tusks, why not make these things look as majestic as shit and add a third tusk to the forehead?
*Give that third tusk a massive machine gun.
*Remove part of the mammoth’s head so a driver can sit in their and control the mammoth using a series of electric shocks and intense mammoth-orgasms.
*Make the grow running shoes, so they can go fast.
*Chuck in some cathode ray molecules so the mammoths have giant TV screens the passengers can watch.
*Modify their genes so that they smile uncontrollably.
*Make the mammoth’s eyes red, so that when they see, it’s like the display the robots from 80’s action films see.
*Give the mammoths dragon’s tails. Pretty rad.
*Passengers will parachute off the mammoths.
If any of you is thinking this will look utterly ridiculous, I believe you are wrong, and to prove it I’ve drawn up this handy diagram: