Mammoth Idea

With revelations that the legendary Woolly Mammoth is just a Giant Sloth’s petrified hair away from being cloned and brought back to it’s logical habitat in the present day (the supermarket freezer section), I have decided to propose to scientists that we render extinct two birds with one stone, and clone these presumably friendly giants to our own, and the environments, advantage.

How? I hear you think.

“Lol, I’m just a head”

Listen here: Cars are no doubt a massive part of the whole climate change thing, right? (Seriously, I don’t really know, I’m just guessing they are. To be honest I don’t really care.)

Well, what say we dispose of them entirely, and ride Mammoths everywhere?!?

Think about how sick it would be! We clone these suckers, with a few slight modifications, and they’re a clean, friendly, not to mention delicious mode of transport for people the world over!

Here are some proposals I have put forth…

*Modify the DNA so that Mammoths contain roughly a dozen seating compartments on their back… maybe splice in some bus genes, or something, I dunno… you’re the scientists.

*Make it so there’s an escalator running down the side of the mammoth for easy access to the seats. Blend in some escalator genes. Easy.

*Splice in some spa bath atoms or whatever, so the mammoth has a spa bath on it. This is possibly my favourite part of the whole idea. I love spas.

*As well as the two natural tusks, why not make these things look as majestic as shit and add a third tusk to the forehead?

*Give that third tusk a massive machine gun.

*Remove part of the mammoth’s head so a driver can sit in their and control the mammoth using a series of electric shocks and intense mammoth-orgasms.

*Make the grow running shoes, so they can go fast.

*Chuck in some cathode ray molecules so the mammoths have giant TV screens the passengers can watch.

*Modify their genes so that they smile uncontrollably.

*Make the mammoth’s eyes red, so that when they see, it’s like the display the robots from 80’s action films see.

*Give the mammoths dragon’s tails. Pretty rad.

*Passengers will parachute off the mammoths.

If any of you is thinking this will look utterly ridiculous, I believe you are wrong, and to prove it I’ve drawn up this handy diagram:

Nobel Prize, here I come.

Girl Troubles

I had an interesting breakthrough with my therapist, Gwen, the other day.
Luckily she’s secretly taping me and I managed to steal the tapes and create a transcript of the session specifically for this post. Oh, that Gwen!

From the office of Gwen Hollohan, 5/9/08, 2:02pm.

Gwen: So, James, I was thinking maybe we’d delve deeper into what we were talking about last session. I think if we focus properly, we can probably sort that bed-wetting problem out-

Me: *Sigh*

Gwen: You look like something’s troubling you.

Me: It’s just… girls.

Gwen: Girls? *Looks through notes, mutters something about me apparently not being gay afterall*

Me: Yeh. I have trouble getting them.

Gwen: Getting them? Like… understanding them?

Me: No, no. I have trouble catching them and making them love me.

Gwen: I see.

Me: See, I manage to meet girls easy enough. I can talk to them okay. I can lure them in, so to speak…

Gwen: Mhmm…

Me: But, it seems that no matter what I do, I can’t seem to trick them into dating me.

Gwen: James, tell me you theories about being in a relationship with a woman.

Me: Ahh, well… I haven’t really been in any relationships… thus far.

Gwen: Well, tell me what you think happens in a relationship.

Me: Let’s see… well I suppose it starts off when you meet a girl. And then you gotta like, trick the girl into liking you. Cos, like, ahh…

Gwen: There’s that word again. Trick. You seem to be on a common theme here…

James: Yeh, ah…

Gwen: Trick… lure… catch.

James: What’s your point?

Gwen: What do you do if you see a girl you like, at say… a nightclub?

James: Well, I like start chatting to her. I might ask her where she’s from. Then I might make a joke, just tease her a bit, like I’ll be all “You’re from Broadmeadows? Don’t stab me!”

Gwen: Okay… yeh, that could be seen as charming I suppose.

James: Um, then I might ask if she wants a drink. Then I grab her hand to take her to the bar.

Gwen: Good.

James: But this is where I get stuck.

Gwen: Why?

James: Well, my traps never work.

Gwen: These traps… are they metaphorical?

James: No they’re physical. I set up traps and they never freaking work!

Gwen: *Looks confused*

James: Okay, like, the other night I was at a club. And I did everything I just said. And like, I set up a makeship trap using an upturned crate, with a stick with a rope attatched to it holding it up. I used a vodka raspberry as bait.

Gwen: What happened?

James: She could tell straight away it was a trap!

Gwen: I see.

James: She just kind of asked me what it was and I pretended I didn’t know and just freaked out and ran out of the place.

Gwen: What other traps do you use?

James: Ah, well, there was this time at Safeway. I saw a cute girl so I organized a trap by taping an ‘X’ onto the floor and letting go of this giant net when she walked under it.
It landed on her and she kind of screamed so I had to run away before security got me.

Gwen: James, I-

James: Oh, then there was this time I dug a pit outside Monash Uni and like four different girls fell into it, but they all seemed angry so I ran away from that one too.

Gwen: You’re not-

James: If only there was some easy way I could use technology to be able to get chicks. Some sort of device that could give me the power to pick up all the girls I wanted…

Gwen: No, James, what you need is intense couns-

James: Wait! That’s it! I know exactly what I need! Gwen, you’re a genius! I think I’ve just had a massive breakthrough!!! (I skip out of the office merrily)

Gwen: (Gets on speaker phone) Sandra, cancel my one o’clock.

Anyway, the following picture is a result of my stroke of genius. I intend to take it to the patent office tommorow.

All-Purpose TV Guide

Have you ever found yourself looking for your TV guide, too lazy to switch channels to see what’s on, but ironically running around the lounge room like a pig on speed (??) searching for that sacred text?

Well you’ll never need to do so again, now with this handy all-purpose TV guide developed by yours truly… me!… James!

Just print out the page below and keep it contacted to your coffee table. It provides an outstanding guide to what you will expect to see on Australian network TV at any time of day. Guaranteed!* 

Click image to enlarge…

 

*definitely not guaranteed.

Dame Edna Atreyu

Just sayin’ is all…

I believe he does a marvellous rendition of ‘Slit My Wrists With Gladioli’.

Yellow Fever

Now, I love Wikipedia, and the whole idea behind the wiki in general is awesome.
I’m all for the internet community working together to better the human race through the open sharing of knowledge and wisdom in a public domain, but sometimes the wrong people attempt to flex a little wiki muscle…

(Click image to enlarge)

… and if the Wikipedia goons banging down my door right now could accept my personal apology, maybe we can all forget this ever happened, hey guys?