Tag Archives: Advice

Musings of a Man Who Won the Lottery, Without Knowing How a Lottery Works

Wow. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I’d have this much money!

It seems like only yesterday that I was living day to day, trying to make ends meet in my lowly job as a public toilet cleaner.

In fact, it was yesterday… and it was only a week ago that I decided to suck it up and buy my ticket to a better life.

In hindsight, I can’t see why I was so reluctant to ever buy into the whole lottery ‘thing’ in the first place. I guess I just didn’t believe that it was possible to achieve such enormous wealth so quickly and easily!

I’m still coming to terms with the fact that this process is even logical… I mean, if it’s really this easy, why doesn’t everyone just go out and buy 9.5 million dollars?

It’s really quite simple: You buy a ticket that costs eight dollars, and a few days later you exchange your ticket for 9.5 million dollars… hello??? Does any one else want to get in on this?!

Still now, I walk down the street asking random people if they have ever considered buying 9.5 million dollars, and they all look at me like I’m nuts! One unexplainably angry man even punched me in the face when I kept referring to the millions of dollars I’d acquired and repeatedly asked him why he hadn’t attempted to attain the same amount of money for his family, and mentioned that perhaps he was a failure as a father and husband for not buying money from the lottery himself.

In fact, I blame the lottery for not advertising their services more. I’m sure if word got out more about the fantastic service they offer the public, people would just be lining up to buy their own 9.5 million dollars (alright, $9,499,992 after the eight dollars you pay for the privilege!).

Admittedly, I’m no economist, but one can’t help but think that maybe if everyone had purchased 9.5 million dollars more often that the world economy would not be in such a bad shape right now.
We might even all be driving Lamborghini’s and living in palatial mansions right now!

Hopefully I’ve begun to spread the word about the lottery and all it has to offer people. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go yachting!

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What Can You Do on a 15 Minute Break?

My work roster on a weekend is so regimented that I am forced to take the prescribed 15 minute tea break rather than my usual weekday half-hour blowout tea breaks.

What can one even do on a 15 minute tea break?

  • Read an article on cracked.com
  • Drink a can of Lift
  • Read several articles on a news website
  • Get through 2 pages on fmylife.com
  • Do a really good poo
  • Eat 2 slices of re-heated pizza
  • Masturbate, like 3 or 4 times
  • Look through random girl’s facebook photos while groaning longingly to self
  • Receive a verbal sexual harassment warning from your boss
  • Write a little-read blog post
  • Play with the CD-ROM eject button

fml.

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Swine Flu Survival Guide

What’s the buzz, tell me what’s-a-happenin’

What’s the buzz, tell me what’s-a-happenin’

What’s the buzz, tell me what’s-a-happenin’

SWINE FLU. That’s what’s-a-happenin’. And it’s a-happenin’ now!

By now you have surely heard of this so-called swine flu outbreak, wreaking havoc in Mexico and gradually spreading to other countries.
In short, it’s the end of civilization as we know it… just like SARS was.

But what is swine flu? How can I avoid swine flu? How can I unknowingly (or otherwise) transmit swine flu among humans?

I decided to go straight to the source to find out.

No I didn’t ask any swine, that would be ludicrous, but I did type ‘swine flu’ into Google, and I must say, I’m pretty clued in on this whole situation… for example, did you know ‘swine’ means ‘pig’???

What is Swine Flu?

Swine Influenza is a highly contagious respiratory disease caused by airborn pig-particles infecting the atmosphere. If breathed in, these pig-particles can cause flu-like symptoms in both pigs and humans alike.
Outrageously outdated scientific theories maintain that these pig-particles are formed from the wrath of God out of pig hair and angel tears.

How is it spread?

Like the seasonal flu, Swine Flu is spread from person to person through coughing and sneezing. Making contact with a pig on the lips is also a sure way of getting infected. Much the same as kissing Kelly Osborne.

No, Johnny! Her Papa Don’t Preach cover was awful!

What are the signs and symptoms of Swine Flu?

Symptoms of swine flu in humans are similar to that of the regular flu, including fever, cough, sore throat, aching body, headache, chills, fatigue, diarrhoea and vomiting.
Similar to walking in on Beth Ditto doing naked Pilates.

(Note to self: Ixnay on the at-girlsfay)

I don’t ever want to catch Swine Flu, what should I do?

The only clear-cut, fool-proof method of never catching Swine Flu ever is to kill yourself before it has a chance at getting you.

I think I have Swine Flu, what should I do?

Urgh, stay the hell away from me for one.
Once you’ve confined yourself to your own domicile, call your emergency services.
A team of government-sanctioned “help-crews” will be at your house within 4-6 minutes.
After covering your house in a germ-proof plastic tent and physically restraining you, the help-crews will test you for Swine Flu.
If you are not infected, you will be sent to a remote island for weeks of further testing.
If you are infected, the military has been granted permission to napalm your house and everything within a five kilometer radius.

“Don’t get me started on Napalm…”

What countries are affected by outbreaks in pigs?

The disease is considered endemic in the US and outbreaks in pigs are known to have occurred in the US, Europe, Africa and parts of eastern Asia including China and Japan.
Australia has vowed to devour as many pigs as is necessary to prevent the outbreak of Swine Flu in that country.

Does Joaquin Phoenix have Swine Flu?

Yes.

Is it still safe to eat pork products?

There has been no link found between consumption of pork products and Swine Flu. But I suppose we’ll all find out for sure when vegetarians and orthodox Jews are the only humans left on the planet.

“I fucking knew we didn’t eat that shit for a reason!!”

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