Monthly Archives: June 2008

Another Life For Sale

LIFE FOR SALE!!!

Hi, my name’s Darth!

Due to various lifestyle changes I am experiencing lately, I’ve decided to sell all [that’s right, ALL!] my Hothly possessions here on eBay!

This is an amazing offer, and one that should be considered very seriously!

This sale includes:Darth Vader

  • House
  • Material Possessions
  • Vehicles
  • Job

I know, I know… I bet you think I’m crazier than a Kowakian monkey-lizard on crack [LOLZ], but hear me out!

First, the back story…

I’m pretty much a widely-feared, cybernetic Dark Lord of the Sith, with no mercy.
I collaborate with the evil Emperor who controls the entire universe, and as such, I lived in this super-sick Battlestation for a while.
Life was pretty good, until my place was attacked by a rebel alliance hell-bent on destroying the Empire, and re-instating a galactic republic [aint that always the way?].
My home was completely destroyed, but for the past few years I’ve been creating a bigger and even more super-dangerous home. It’s taking forever to build, and just looking at the place being unfinished for so long is kinda getting me down.

Anyways, that, combined with the fact that my bitch wife left me and took the kids, is the basic reason why I’m selling everything and not looking back!

After selling everything I plan to walk away with just my wallet and galactic passport and explore the universe! I’m thinking of maybe starting with a Contiki tour around the outer-rim… I hear those things are sex-fests!

So what am I selling?

Well let’s begin with the the obvs…

My Battlestation is pretty much the most valuable part of the whole deal.Death Star
Still under construction, and at a planned 900 kilometres wide, this baby is pretty much going to be the most prime piece of real-estate in the galaxy.
Dubbed the Death Star [you may have heard of it?], it’s spacious and comfortable, and over time I’m sure you’ll find it gets to be less of a weapon of unimaginable destruction, and more of a home.

Also, I will be paying for the construction of the rest of this Death Star, so the winning bidder wont have to worry about that. [I kinda have powers of the force, and use them to tell the construction company I’ve paid them, even when I haven’t! Keep that shit on the down-low tho, LOL!]

Some features of the Death Star include:

  • 145,000 single living quarters
  • 86,780 toilets
  • 3-Fleet garageLounge Room
  • 1 Master bedroom with walk-in robe and ensuite
  • 1 Superlaser with ability to pretty much turn any planet into Bantha-fodder.
  • Emperor’s Throne Room [does not come with Emperor 🙂 ]
  • Meditation Chamber
  • Pool room
  • Ducted heating

As well as the Death Star, the winning bidder will receive all my material belongings contained within.
Just some of the things I own, and you will receive include:

  • 4 rad Lightsabers [One of which doesn’t really work, but still looks pretty ace.]
  • A Playstation 3, as well as 8 original titles
  • A fondue setFondue
  • Brand new three-piece lounge suite
  • My whole CD [Burt Baccarat, Creedence] and DVD [Shawshank, Creedence Live 1970] collection
  • All my clothes [Mostly black cybernetic armor-suits, and a pair of transparent platform shoes]
  • Various S&M paraphernalia
  • A Dell desktop PC with Norton Antivirus and Linksys router
  • Foxtel IQ
  • A random collection of protocol droids with homosexual tendenciesC3PO
  • A crew of 300,000 men
  • Fender Squire electric guitar [I took lessons but I’m not very good LOL]

I also have various vehicles. As well as the fleet of destroyers, battleships, fighters, walkers, speeders etc that are included, you also receive my personal TIE Advanced Fighter. It includes modifications such as new speaker set and sub woofer, as well as sick blue LEDs under the headlights… so pimp.
You’ll also get my bicycle.Bike

As well as all my possessions, the winning bidder will receive my job.
Obviously as a Dark Lord of the Sith, I can not offer you my day job, as there are very strict prerequisites to abide by, and I’m pretty much the only person in the universe who fulfills all of them.
However, on top of my sinister day job, I also work in the sound and vision department at the Death Star Kmart 3 nights a week, and if need be, I can talk to my manager, Chris, and organise casual employment there for the winning bidder.
On second-thoughts I’ll just use Sith mind-tricks.

Well, that pretty much sums it up.
I will be starting the bidding at 1 galactic credit, but am hoping for a winning bid of around 500,000,000,000,000 galactic credits.
As I said, this is an insanely sweet deal, and you’d have to be a smelly Ewok not to look into it!

For further info go to http://www.darthslife4sale.com

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Search-Engine Terms

Okay, so I’m blatantly stealing this idea from ninjapirate.com, (I think… correct me if I’m wrong, or not) who documents a lot of fucked up fucking shit that people type into search engines when they come across his site, but This Is Modern hasn’t been around for long, and I’m already getting a few crazy search engine terms myself.

The following is a list of just some of the real search engine terms used when finding my site, according to the wordpress blog-stat thing, from most common to least common.

  • retard [ I used an image with the filename ‘retard’. This has garnered me a shitload of hits. I’d recommend any bloggers out there to insert a picture with the name ‘retard spastic mongoloid’ for maximum effect. Just by typing this sentence I’ve guaranteed myself an extra 150 hits this hour. ]
  • neil entwistle [Obviously getting his news from the reliable sources. ]
  • retard running
  • “salam cafe” [ I wrote that phrase once, yet I keep getting hits from it. ]
  • opinion pieces 2am nightclub lockout
  • big retard
  • all purpose tv
  • purpose tv
  • the effects on 2 am lockout
  • retarded dwarf with shit [ I don’t know precisely what this person was searching for, but I wager they didn’t find it here. ]
  • 2am lockout opinion piece
  • 2am lockout blog
  • pwnd retard [ Well I know at least one geek besides me has visted This Is Modern. ]
  • entwistle googled
  • 2am lockout, herald sun
  • shitting girlfriend [ Some clueless bastard wanted to see his girlfriend shitting, so he typed it into Google in the off-chance someone out there filmed it and posted it on the internet. Is there a market for this stuff? Maybe I should post more footage of girls shitting… ]
  • geekish names
  • retard fight [ Right on. Unfortunately I don’t have what you want, guy. ]
  • melbourne 2 am lockout herald sun
  • kate-bush [ You have fantastic taste, sir or madame, but I’m guessing madame. ]
  • 2am lockout opinion pieces
  • retarded midget [ Ouch… really? ]
  • “i wish” “kate bush”
  • modern rich boys’ names [ Wesley ]
  • 2 am lockout- opinion articles
  • reasons why the 2am lockout is bad [ Uhhhh… let me give you a dozen to start off with. ]
  • modern boy name started with sa
  • retard tiny head [ Hahahahaha Oh my GOD this is my demographic? ]
  • retard face
  • alco tax
  • june 2, herald sun, 2 am lockout
  • retard mongos
  • opinion piece 2am nightclub lockout
  • ian hewitson messy cook [ I agree, but I still can’t believe someone searched that… ]

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‘Straya: The Yucky Country

“Aussies fat, drunk and riddled with STDs”

Clearly I don’t fit in with the majority of Aussies… I’m only two of those things.

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Stuffypants Manor, Chapter 1: Henrietta

Okay, so the ABC recently showed a bunch of television adaptations of Jane Austen’s most popular novels.

Anyone who’s seen even a snippet of one of these programmes (or perhaps even read Jane Austen… blegh) will know there is a basic set formular to these stories. (Romantic entanglements, incestual crushes, comedies of error, etc.)

And I’m not saying I’m a literary genius or anything, but I tried my hand at one of these period-piece things in the loose form of a screenplay, and I have to say… it was a piece of piss.

Anyway, judge for yourself… there will be more installments to come, in the form of chapters. But for now, please enjoy the first installment of…

Stuffypants Manor

A tale of somewhat captivating romance, and stuff… I guess.

Chapter 1: Henrietta


We begin our story at the eponymous Stuffypants Manor. A large estate owned for generations by the Estrogen family. Well known members of English society for reasons lost to time, but they have a lot of money so no one seems to really care, as long as they throw wicked-cool parties every so often.

Sir George Estrogen, the tall, balding head of the Estrogen family, waits outside the servants quarters of the Stuffypants Manor, for any news.
Within the servants quarters, Sir George and Lady Estrogen‘s favourite servant, Miss Lovechild is giving birth. Doctor Pepper is presiding over the birth. Lady Estrogen and the other female servants are helping.

Doctor Pepper: (To Lady Estrogen) I’m afraid it doesn’t look good m’lady.

Lady Estrogen: What do you mean?

Doctor Pepper: Well, m’lady, Miss Lovechild is losing a lot of blood. She may not survive giving birth… but we may be able to save the child.

Lady Estrogen: Oh dear… how horrible. Now who will wash my petticoat before tonight’s ball?

Doctor Pepper: I don’t know if that’s imperative right now ma’am…

Lady Estrogen: Oh, you’re right I suppose… (To the rest of the servants) I say ladies, if Miss Lovechild dies, I should like one of you to take over her petticoat cleaning duties for today.

With one last great push, Miss Lovechild finally gives birth. Doctor Pepper gathers the crying child in his arms and shows her to Miss Lovechild.

Doctor Pepper: It’s a girl, dear. What shall you name her?

Miss Lovechild: I… shall call her… Lisa.

Miss Lovechild takes one final breath, and passes away.

Lady Estrogen: Poor thing… That name shall never do… I like Henrietta more, let’s call her Henrietta. It’s such a wonderfully fitting name for a recently-oprhaned bastard child!

Doctor Pepper: Good show, ma’am.

Sir George enters the room.

Sir George: Is it over? Can someone make me my sandwich now?

18 and a half years pass and it is now 1812. It’s a beautiful spring day, and Stuffypants Manor is as resplendant as ever. Lady Estrogen is relaxing in the garden with her sister Isabelle ‘Itchy’ Hymen and her pug dogs, Sir George is thrashing a gardener for stepping on his rose patch, and Henrietta Lovechild, now grown up into a beautful young lady, is in the sitting room with her best friend, the not nearly as beautiful, and quite chubby, Penny Arcade.

Penny Arcade: Oh Henrietta, Stuffypants Manor just looks so lovely today! You must feel so blessed that Sir George allowed you to be adopted into his wonderful, rich, somewhat turbulent and melodramatic family.

Henrietta: Yes Penny, I do. Although at times, I do so feel like just a servant’s daughter. Like when my dear step-sister Dianne throws her scolding hot soup in my face… or when my step-brother Peter pushed me down the stairs.

Penny Arcade: Or when we laugh behind your back about that mole on your neck.

Henrietta: You what?

Penny Arcade: Oh Henrietta, It’s such a gorgeous day today!

Henrietta: It certainly is, and even more gorgeous now, for I have just gotten news that Charles is back from sea, and coming to stay with us in a few days!

Penny Arcade: Charles Whitmans-Sampler? You’re totally dreamy step-cousin?

Henrietta: The very same!

Both girls giggle uncontrollably.

Penny Arcade: Why, you’ve had a mega-crush on him since you were small children…

Henrietta: I know!

Penny Arcade: …and he showed you his doodle behind the lemon tree.

Henrietta: God, I wish I didn’t tell you about that, Penny.

Later that evening, the family gathers for dinner. Present at the dining room table are Henrietta, Sir George and Lady Estrogen, their children Dianne and Peter Estrogen, Penny Arcade, Itchy, and her daughter Valerie Hymen.

Sir George: So, Itchy, I hear you are very swiftly climbing the social ladder in London?

Itchy: Why, yes George. It’s all very exciting. My dear husband The Admiral is quite the Man of the hour…

Sir George: Ah yes, how many Russian ships did his fleet sink again?

Itchy: Five whole man-of-wars! And for the loss of only twelve of our own I might say!

Everyone at the table mutters expressions of congratulations.

Henrietta: Oh, Aunty Itchy, do you think our dear cousin Charles Whitmans-Sampler will ever go through the ranks from midshipman to Admiral?

Lasy Estrogen: Oh dear Henrietta… dear, stupid Henrietta… Charles has a long way to go yet. He hasn’t even recieved his hazing initiation yet!

Everyone at the table finds this amusing except Henrietta, who feels embarassed.

Itchy: Oh yes, The Admiral still remembers his hazing well, he still cant look at a jib without his anus hurting!

Dianne: I personally can’t wait to see Charles… we used to get along so well when we were children.

Sir George: Ah yes, I seem to recall he showed you his doodle… behind the lemon tree wasn’t it?

Dianne: No. (Jealously looks at Henrietta) That was Henrietta.

Henrietta looks down at her feet.

Lady Estrogen: Peter dear, where were you all afternoon?

Peter: Uh, hunting with Toby Lefroy, mother.

Lady Estrogen: You certainly spend a lot of time with that Toby Lefroy, Peter. I swear, Itchy, those boys go out galavanting all day, and whenever Peter returns home his clothes are always in such disarray! Untucked and back-to-front!

Peter: Mother, please…

Lady Estrogen: And he’s always covered in sweat and is short of breath-

Peter: I, uh, I’m going to bed. Goodnight.

Everyone at the table looks awkwardly around.

Lady Estrogen: Ah, he’s such a gay boy… so happy and joyful!

Henrietta goes to bed later that night, though she can barely sleep, because she knows Charles will be visiting in a few days. She drifts off to sleep and dreams of the wonderful times she will have with her childhood crush, dancing and laughing and perhaps him showing her his doodle again, but little does she know that in the near future, Stuffypants Manor will experience some of the toughest hardships it has known.

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Super Fun Happy Quiz!

Welcome to the Super Fun Happy Quiz…

Looking at the following picture, can you tell what this man’s hobby is?

A. Painstakingly crafting model airplanes and flying them at fairs.

B. Attending the local gym every weekday to keep himself in top physical condition.

C. Pedophilia/witchcraft.

Think carefully now!

The answer is not always as it seems!

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Culture Cringe

Uh, this is awkward…

Okay, here goes…

I… am un-Australian.

And no amount of footy-watching, Holden-admiring, four’n’twenty-eating, boogie-boarding, ‘gidday-mawt’ing or binge-drinking is going to change it.

That’s right, a problem even excessive consumption of alcohol can’t remedy…

You see, I have a very specific form of culture-cringe… shameful, yes, but it is one that you will not even find in a particularly venomous Germaine Greer opinion article, no matter how hard you look.

No, this type of culture-cringe appears through the internet, manifesting itself while you’re online, mainly while reading Youtube comments…

Let me explain.

I’m not so sure, but I think I must be the only person in this country that isn’t ridiculously excited to see home-grown, fly-on-the-wall comedy Kath and Kim re-made as an American series.

And it’s not that I dislike the original series.
On the contrary, I think it’s very funny, particulary as I have family who live in Narre Warren (the real-life Fountain Lakes) and are just 2 minutes drive from Fountain Gate shopping centre.

Although the movie-length ‘Da Kath and Kim Code‘ was a bit of a shambles (not least for the uninspiring performance of The Wiggles in a cameo role), the show is comedically strong, which you could say is somewhat of an anomoly in Australian television comedy, and the characters are well developed.
Of course, Gina Riley and Jane Turner have always been very funny writer/performers in their own right.

No, the reason I do not want to see Kath and Kim re-made as an American series is more to do with parochial Australian television viewers who insist on visiting Youtube, then leaving comments about how AUSSIES ARE FUKEN AWSUM SO MUCH BETTR THAN AMERICANS WHERE THJE BEST!!1

Still don’t understand what I’m talking about?

Go to Youtube and watch some clips of the Australian and American versions of Thank God You’re Here.
The amount of my fellow countrymen leaving comments about how our version of TGYH was so much superior to the American one, and how Americans are thieves for stealing OUR TV show (as if these dickheads were the ones that came up with the premise of the show themselves), just makes me want to club someone over the head with a heavy Peter Russel Clarke cookbook.

And I just KNOW it’s going to happen all over again once Molly Shannon and Selma Blair transform themselves into the Seppo Kath and Kim respectively.

Never once does it occur in these people’s minds that pretty much everything we see on Australian television has been developed by the US and then used by us.

What, do you think Peter Hitchener came up with the idea for a news desk? No. Nothing is original except perhaps the content. And when Australian content does get presented to the world, morons of various descriptions act like it’s the best thing ever thought-up and proceed to aggressively glorify it, while putting down achievements of others. And it shits me to tears.

Yes, I cringe for my country when some obviously brain-damaged individual thinks he can win an online argument about whether Australian Rules Football or American Football is tougher with arguments such as “AFL is our game fagetsbest fuckin game in the world.sic song as well” (real quote).

Yes, I cringe when people from Australia use footage of Borat visiting Australia as a forum to discuss why Australia is the bestest country in the world, and nowhere else is worth even shitting on…
Uh… it’s a video about fucking Borat! Why on earth are you arguing about countries comparitive GDP here???

And as production wraps up on the Melbourne set of the American-funded, HBO mini-series, The Pacific, follow-up to the critically acclaimed (and brilliant) Band of Brothers, I am once again torn between pride in my country, with the apparent portrayal of Australian soldiers and civilians in wartime Melbourne, and the inevitable shamefest that will follow when I stumble across footage of the series on Youtube, above comments from some of our nations finest minds, letting everyone know that AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE! SOLDIER DIGGERS PWND THE WAR, WOT WAR IS THIS?? LOL. FUCK AMERICA WE SAVED THEM FROM THE DUTCH1!!

So on the one hand I am glad original content from my country is getting the recognition it deserves, we really do produce some outstanding talent in the arts, television, music, sport, etc… but I just hope this US version of Kath and Kim is the funniest thing ever put on TV, or there are going to be a lot of needlessly patriotic idiots shitting on about it everywhere, and call me un-Australian, but I’m afraid I just don’t care enough about that sort of stuff to get riled up about it.

“OMG I can’t believe you think the US version of The Office is better!”

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Neil Entwistle’s Other Google Searches

Husband Googled ‘How to kill’, court told.

A BRITON accused of murdering his wife and baby daughter made an internet search on “how to kill with a knife” just six days before their bodies were found, a US court has been told.

“A search was made on Google.com. You search by key words. There were six words. ‘How to kill with a knife,”’ Lawrence James, a forensic computer expert and 20-year police officer, testified in Neil Entwistle’s double-murder trial.

Wow, Neil here has committed one of the biggest social faux-pas in modern society… implicating himself in a grisly murder through a simple computer history check… how embarassing!

Unbelievably, this was not the extent of his incriminating behavior around the time of his wife and daughter’s murder.
Here are some other searches he made according to Google…

  • How to kill with a knife
  • How to clean knife
  • Ginsu, complaints
  • What brand did Tim Shaw promote?
  • How to dispose of bodies
  • Where do I purchase ‘Lime’?
  • Other lime product that is not a delicious fruit
  • Sales points for the lime that dissolves dead bodies
  • Where to buy ‘tarp’
  • Is Grissom a real person?
  • Do I have to be worried about Grissom?
  • How to mask odour of dead bodies
  • Glen 20 product demo
  • People peeing on each other
  • Dead bodies, reasons they’d be dug up
  • Dog obedience schools
  • Is dog murder illegal?
  • Zombies, likelihood of
  • “Dog zombies”, likelihood of
  • How do I erase google history so I’ll never be implicated in my family’s murder?
  • Majorca, extradition laws/plane tickets


heheehehe oopsies!

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