Tag Archives: Idiots

Musings of a Man Who Won the Lottery, Without Knowing How a Lottery Works

Wow. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I’d have this much money!

It seems like only yesterday that I was living day to day, trying to make ends meet in my lowly job as a public toilet cleaner.

In fact, it was yesterday… and it was only a week ago that I decided to suck it up and buy my ticket to a better life.

In hindsight, I can’t see why I was so reluctant to ever buy into the whole lottery ‘thing’ in the first place. I guess I just didn’t believe that it was possible to achieve such enormous wealth so quickly and easily!

I’m still coming to terms with the fact that this process is even logical… I mean, if it’s really this easy, why doesn’t everyone just go out and buy 9.5 million dollars?

It’s really quite simple: You buy a ticket that costs eight dollars, and a few days later you exchange your ticket for 9.5 million dollars… hello??? Does any one else want to get in on this?!

Still now, I walk down the street asking random people if they have ever considered buying 9.5 million dollars, and they all look at me like I’m nuts! One unexplainably angry man even punched me in the face when I kept referring to the millions of dollars I’d acquired and repeatedly asked him why he hadn’t attempted to attain the same amount of money for his family, and mentioned that perhaps he was a failure as a father and husband for not buying money from the lottery himself.

In fact, I blame the lottery for not advertising their services more. I’m sure if word got out more about the fantastic service they offer the public, people would just be lining up to buy their own 9.5 million dollars (alright, $9,499,992 after the eight dollars you pay for the privilege!).

Admittedly, I’m no economist, but one can’t help but think that maybe if everyone had purchased 9.5 million dollars more often that the world economy would not be in such a bad shape right now.
We might even all be driving Lamborghini’s and living in palatial mansions right now!

Hopefully I’ve begun to spread the word about the lottery and all it has to offer people. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go yachting!

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Money, Money, Money (Must Be Funny)

Money is like a hideously deformed albino dwarf.

I don’t like thinking about it, but I feel at ease knowing it’s hidden in a sock under my bed for when I need it.

I don’t like discussing my financial situation in front of friends. It’s a personal subject and talking about my own money makes me feel slightly uneasy, which is why I instead insist on flagrantly displaying wads of it in front of their faces, and sometimes lighting cigars with it, thereby avoiding the need to talk about it directly.

Unlike a growing number of people around the world, I have a relatively steady job. (And no, as popular as this blog is, it’s not as a professional blogger! *Chuckles to self while puffing from corncob pipe.*

I often wonder to myself what lengths I would go to for money, offering myself likely hypotheticals such as…

  • Would I eat piece of dog shit for a million dollars?
  • Would I chop my own arm off for 100 million dollars?
  • Would I give my dad a blow job and eat my own shit for a billion dollars?

Most of the time I find myself completely disregarding the money and flat out rejecting the absurd scenarios playing out in my mind (although a billion dollars is a lot of money… hmm) .
Besides, I quickly lose interest because I can not understand why someone would want to pay me so much to do such hideous things…

Don’t get me wrong, I love to buy stuff.  I’m completely materialistic and just enjoy having things. It’s fantastic. But I go by the old addage, “work to live, don’t live to work”, which, in a lot of ways is similar to my previous motto, “DOLLA DOLLA BILLZ YO”.

This may be the reason I enjoy watching VH1’s I Love Money so damn much.

The contestants are straight up vile people. They’re stupid. They’re obnoxious. They have ridiculous names like ‘Real’, ‘Toastee’, and ‘Midget Mac’.

But therein lies the appeal. I could watch Whiteboy abuse Mr Boston for hours and still be completely besotted by the whole thing. It’s pure entertainment. I never miss it. In fact I wanna watch it right now!

I can’t stand most reality television shows.
But I Love Money is just so. fucking. trashy.

We get to witness heinous people who in every day life we would probably hate with a passion, embarrass themselves week after week in the name of $200,000. It’s genius.

One of the best aspects of the whole show is the host, CJ, who clearly harbours a burning resentment for each and every one of the contestants, but hides it behind a cool, calm, distinctly urban veneer.

So watch I Love Money.
And if you live somehwhere where the first series is already over, be sure to check out VH1’s next trashy offering… RuPaul Drag Race 2! Should be a hoot!

1 Comment

Filed under Humour

The Adventures of Kevin Rudd: Eyeball Glasses

Kevin Rudd looked down at his desk.

Then up at the clock.

Then over to his fish-tank, where his pet goldfish, Goldy, was swimming with gay abandon.

He looked back up at the clock again. Twelve seconds had passed.

“Shit”, he muttered under his breath.

Sometimes Kevin wished he was Goldy. The world would be so much more interesting if he possessed Goldy’s 4 minute attention-span.
Sometimes Kevin locked the door of his prime-ministerial office, removed his jacket, and pretended to swim like Goldy, waving his fins, giggling as he floated around the room.
At least that helped waste half an hour or so.

“Time’s going sooo slooow”, Kevin complained as he slumped back in his chair, the back-rest pulling his business shirt up above his belly button.

“I wonder what Therese packed me for snack time?” He wondered aloud to himself, as he did so often.

Kevin took out his backpack and opened it up. Inside, his wife Therese Rein had left him an apple, a peanut-butter sandwich, and a Le Snack.

“Oh sweet! Le Snack!” Exclaimed Kevin, excitedly. However, just as he was about to peel off the foil lid, his office phone rang.

“Aw, c’mon!”

He answered the phone. It was Federal treasurer Wayne Swan.

“Hey Kevin,” said Wayne, “Today’s going sooo slooow.”
“I know, right?” replied Kevin.
Wayne continued, “I saw this funny video of a cat jumping into a box on Youtube, but then I accidentally closed Explorer and now I don’t know how to get it back again.”
“Hmm, that’s a melon-scratcher.” Said Kevin. After much thinking he concluded, “Nah, I don’t know, maybe your computer’s broke.”
“Just as I thought.” said Wayne. “Oh well, I’ll just have to buy yet another computer… this will be my 14th one since we took office.”
“I don’t get technology.” said Kevin, scratching his head with a miniature statuette of John Curtin.
“Yeh, tell me about it.”
Both men laughed heartily in agreement and Kevin hung up the phone.

He looked up at the clock again. It was 10am.

“I should have stayed in bed today”.

***

After a relaxing three hour break, Kevin felt refreshed and ready to take on the day’s events.

That was until he was reminded question time would be occurring at two o’clock.

Luckily for Kevin, he visited a novelty shop the day before, and found a pair of fake reading glasses with pictures of eyes on the lenses. He knew they’d come in handy at some point, but didn’t think it would be so soon.

“Maybe, if I wear these novelty glasses during question time, I’ll be able to take a nap, and no one would be the wiser”, he chuckled to himself.

“After all, I can’t be leader of a country and be tired at the same time. That would be unethical,” he continued, clearly forgetting he slept a solid ten hours the night before, and then another two hours during his morning break, and also a quick fifteen minute kip on the toilet just before question time.

Sure enough, at two o’clock, Kevin found himself in parliament, facing the prospect of question time. He looked quickly around the room, and, ducking under the desk, removed his regular glasses, and put on his new novelty specs clandestinely.

“Hey, Kevin, are they new glasses?” asked Julia Gillard.
This was the moment of truth.
“Why, yes Julia, do you like them?”
“They’re great. You look so alert and responsive.”
“Thanks”, said Kevin, pleased he’d fooled one of his closest political allies. “I’m just going to take it easy today, feel free not to ask me any questions, and just try not to make any noise in general.”

Kevin slipped his shoes off,  shifted in his seat until he found a comfortable position, and drifted off to sleep.

***

Kevin was having dinner with his wife, Therese.
Usually Therese cooked, but Kevin, perhaps feeling bad for sleeping all through question time and waking only to find the janitor mopping the floor around him at eight o’clock, told her he’d fix them both dinner for the night.

“I heard question time was interesting today.” she said pointedly, scooping another spoonful of baked beans from her can.
“Oh yes? How so?”
“They’re saying that instead of answering the opposition’s questions you just ignored them and stared intensely into the distance.”
Kevin swallowed, looking up from his can slowly. He decided to use his wit.
“It’s called playing the alpha male. My silence was my sincerest display of raw animal dominance.”
“I heard you were drooling uncontrollably, and mumbled incoherently at random points throughout the session.” Therese continued.
“Just keeping the bastards honest honey.” Kevin retorted, coolly.
“Apparently at one point you turned your head towards Joe Hockey and emitted a loud snoring noise for twenty minutes.”
“Again-”
Therese cut him off.
“You were asleep weren’t you, Kevin?”
“Alright, fine, I had a bit of a nap during question time, so what?”
“You’re Prime Minister of Australia. It’s not acceptable.”
Kevin looked down at his beans and poked them with his spoon ruefully.
“As punishment, I’m going to give you a long, boring lecture, and you’re going to sit in absolute silence and listen to me.” Therese demanded stoutly.
“Fine,” Kevin conceded. “But can I at least wear these new glasses I got today?”
Therese thought about it. “I don’t see why not.”

***

Kevin was riding his bike to work, smiling to himself. He got to catch up on some sleep in parliament, he got away with lying to his wife, and now-

Wait a minute.

When was that meeting with the Nairobian ambassador?

Was that today?

Kevin checked his blackberry. Yes, he was scheduled to meet the ambassador later that day.
“Naw, but that guy is sooo boooring.” Kevin complained to himself.

But then he smiled again, because he remembered his secret weapon.

***

The Nairobian ambassador was sitting in Kevin’s office waiting for him. Kevin’s plan was simple. He would talk to the ambassador for ten minutes or so about an important business deal that could get the Australian government millions of dollars, and then, when the ambassador started to talk to Kevin about his proposal, Kevin would casually switch glasses, and get a quick nap in. It almost seemed too perfect.

“I’m brilliant.” Kevin thought to himself confidently.

Kevin greeted the ambassador, and both men sat down.

“I’m sorry Prime Minister, my eyesight is getting terrible,” said the ambassador, “I’m just going to put my glasses on.”
“Go right ahead.” said Kevin reassuringly.

The ambassador put his glasses on.

“Wow, he really looks interested in what I have to say.” Kevin thought to himself with a false sense of security.

After Kevin finally finished his ten minute presentation, he motioned for the ambassador to begin his talk. Kevin quickly and covertly swapped his normal glasses for the fake ones. However, in his hurry to pull a fast one on the ambassador, Kevin had failed to realise that the ambassador himself was having a quite a nice nap as well. Kevin drifted blissfully off to sleep.

***

Needless to say, both Kevin and the ambassador were quite sheepish when they found out they were both preparing to sleep through each others presentations… especially since it wasn’t until Kevin’s assistant walked in the next morning at eight o’clock that they both actually woke up.

And some say that even to this day, during an especially boring parliament session, when Kevin Rudd appears distant and aloof, it’s because he’s just put on his secret eyeball glasses.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Sportsperson Endorsements

From Yahoo news:

Cricket legend Glenn McGrath has joined with a group of scientists calling for a new strain of calicivirus to be introduced to kill rabbits. Rabbits cost Australia’s agriculture sector around $200 million a year while also wreaking havoc on native flora and fauna, the federally-funded Invasive Animals Cooperative Research Centre (IACRC) says.

“During my cricketing career I’ve had to deal with pests all over the world,” McGrath said.

“Mainly greedy batsmen who have dug their heels in and refused to budge from the crease.

“But none of those cricketing foes caused anywhere near as much damage as what the rabbit has inflicted on Australian soil.”

You may think this is a strange endorsement, but Glenn McGrath is not the first high-profile sportsperson to champion a scientific initiative…

Shaquille O’Neal: “I’ve scored a lot of points in my time, but one thing you don’t want to score is cervical cancer. Get vaccinated from cervical cancer today… and protect your cervix.”

Michael Phelps: “I’ve swum a lot of laps in my career, but if there’s one thing that I don’t want in my lap, it’s an unwanted child. When you’re thinking of terminating an unwanted pregnancy in the first 49 days of pregnancy, (up to 63 days in Britain and Sweden), think Mifepristone.”

Usain Bolt: “I run a lot. But when I get the runs, I use Imodium. Imodium, so I can run without getting the runs.”

John Daly: “I don’t know what the hell Streptococcus pneumoniae is, but I sure as shit don’t want it… that’s why I got the Pneumococcal polysaccharide vaccine. C’mahn… even big, fat moody bastards like me get vaccines.”

David Beckham: “For too long, bears have been terrorizing the forests of England. That’s why I’m supporting the Labour Party’s bear-culling initiative. Stop the bears before they eat your face.”

Lou Richards: “Where are my Depends?”

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Prehistoric Tree Removed to Make Way For Monument to Prehistoric Tree

A one-million year old Queensland pine tree, the so-called “Woonembi Peace Pine”, has been uprooted and mulched to make way for a multi-million dollar monument honoring the history of the same tree.

The Woonembi Peace Pine Memorial, built on the spot of the original, will contain artifacts relating to the tree, it’s effect on the local community, and even original pieces of the tree, salvaged before the iconic pine was unceremoniously shoved into a council wood-chipper.

“We really believe this over-priced and economically unviable project is the perfect way to honour the history of this mighty tree”, said local councillor Fred Gibbons, “It’s the next-best thing to actually being able to approach the tree and touch it with your own hands.”

It is believed the new high-tech memorial will include an activity center containing a full-scale replica of the Peace Pine. After donning safety-harnesses and helmets fitted with heart rate monitors and personal communication devices, children will be able to climb the replica in order to discover what it was like to climb a real tree.

“This monument will be a 100% modern, family-friendly tribute to an essential part of our local history.” Explained Mr Gibbons, sweating profusely.

Historians believe the giant prehistoric tree was once a traditional meeting place for the local Aboriginal tribes, where they would negotiate peace terms and hold joyous corroborees all through the night.

When asked for comment, a local Aboriginal elder shed a single tear.

1 Comment

Filed under Humour

NT Town to Experience Phenominal Population Growth

A Northern Territory town is set to claim the highest population growth rate in Australia this year.

The population of Tinea Creek is set to explode by 100% in October 2009, when the isolated township’s only two residents, Les and Marg McGinley are expected to give birth to twin boys, setting an unprecedented population growth record for an Australian regional centre.

“We’re just so excited for the town” said Mrs McGinley, 36. “This place has suffered some setbacks in the past, but to know that our population will be doubled within 9 months is amazing news!”

Tinea Creek has, in the past, been something of a statistical anomaly, being the only town in the country to ever lose 33% of it’s population in a calendar year, when, in 2006, Les’ father died due to exposure to an angry crocodile.

“Sure, 2006 was a hard year for the town,” Mr McGinley explains, “but we, as a community, managed to pull through it all, and now look where we are. It’s incredible the resurgence this place has experienced.”

Mr McGinley, who, as well as owning a 300,000 hectare cattle station, serves as the town mayor, postman, publican, storeman, and statistician, predicts the coming population boom will boost the town economy for the better, especially in sales of milk formula, toys, and Wiggles DVDs.

Mrs McGinley, who serves as town planner, has put in place a $150 budget towards new infrastructure for the area, including plans for a used swing set and rubber stoppers to cover the sharp corners of tables and desks.

The nation’s population growth rate currently stands at 1.7%, which, contrasted with Tinea Creek’s expected increase, see’s the small town heading up what NT Chief Minister Paul Henderson calls “a renaissance of the north.”

“All citizens of the Northern Territory are proud of the achievements of Tinea Creek, an achievement clearly stating what we in the territory already know… we’re the most progressive, forward thinking, people-friendly place in Australia.” Mr Henderson said, before opening his third VB longneck of the morning and promptly skoling the contents.

Mrs McGinley has a more community-based viewpoint. “We’re just so excited about what this all means for the town,” she says. “People often think of Tinea Creek as a vast, crumbling, ugly desert backwater… but with the new arrivals expected, I can imagine Tinea Creek may even get it’s own postcode.”
“That’s the dream.” Adds a tearful Mr McGinley.

***

Editors note: Since publication, the McGinleys have discovered that their pregnancy turned out to just be bad indigestion on Mrs McGinley’s part, halting Northern Territory plans for a Sydney-Tinea Creek train line, and the planned Tinea Creek international airport.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

Homeless Man Offers Hero Pilot ‘Double the Pay’ To Work For Him

Crazy homeless man, Fred Grossman, has made an irresistible job offer to the “hero” pilot of a US Airways plane that landed in New York’s Hudson River last month.

Mr Grossman, a hobo who believes himself to be a Richard Branson-esque entrepreneurial airline and record label owner, said he would spare no expense to poach pilot Chesley Sullenberger, whose breathtaking landing into the Hudson River saved the lives of 150 passengers.

“I’d like him to come fly for us,” Mr Grossman told New York’s Daily News from his makeshift cardboard box home. “We’ll make him the best-paid pilot at Fred Grossman Airlines – we’ll give him double the salary of anybody else.

“He also can become one of the astronauts in my intergalactic spaceship company.”

Mr Sullenberger, 58, hasn’t ruled out moving from US Airways to Mr Grossman’s completely make-believe company, a delusion of Grossman’s, no doubt caused by acute psychiatric problems stemming from years of trauma and heavy substance abuse, “I will be happy to entertain all the things that are coming my way,” he said.

Mr Sullenberger was hailed as a hero after safely landing the passenger jet he was flying, which suffered a double engine failure after taking off from La Guardia airport in New York last month.

Mr Grossman is known to yell vulgarities at strangers, and smoke copious amounts of crack cocaine.

Added Mr Grossman, a putrid smell emanating from his filthy tattered clothing: “If he overcomes the killer dinosaurs, I’ll let him release an album on my record label!”

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour