Tag Archives: Movies

How Voldemort Spends His Downtime

You’d think being He Who Must Not Be Named would be a tough gig, right?

Well, turns out being the Dark Lord is actually quite an easy gig with a helluva lot of down time!

Not only is it enough that You Know Who has his own loyal followers, power reserves that would make a WoW geek sweat with envy, and free reign to use the dreaded unforgivable curses…  but also, at the end of every novel, Harry simply heads home for holidays, leaving the magic world and, it would seem, all his Voldie-related problems behind until he returns for the next semesters’ classes…

Which begs the question… What does Voldemort (gasp!) get up to during all this down time?








Christmas shopping.


Reading to young children.


Singing backup for Rose Tattoo.

Fun Fact: “I am Lord Voldermort” is the phrase you get when you re-arrange the letters from the lyrics to Lady Gaga’s “Lovegames”.


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Johnny’s Playing John… But Can He Play John?

He was one of the most notorious criminals of the 20th century.

John Dillinger rode a wave of notoriety throughout the early 1930’s by robbing banks, killing police officers in cold blood and returning library books well past the due date with not even an apology.

It is only fitting then, that one of the most accomplished actors of our time, Johnny Depp, will be playing him in the upcoming biopic about the ruthless killer, Public Enemies.

The one flaw in the casting it would seem though, is that Depp looks absolutely nothing like his depression-era counterpart.


Where Dillinger had a high forehead, receding hairline, small porcine ears, thin lips and cleft chin… Depp counters these physical features by being, well, stunningly beautiful.


It is becoming increasingly clear that Depp, delving deep into ever deeper depths every year, is forever searching for the meaty roles offered to an accomplished actor of his ilk.

Which brings us to John Allen Muhammad.


Muhammed, speaking from Sussex County, Virginia, where he is being kept on death row for the murder of up to 17 people in 2002, has expressed his interest in being played by Johnny Depp in a film about his life.

While  Muhammed has been told of the effectiveness of modern film make-up techniques in transforming human features, he has gone as far as saying he would considering undergoing a facial re-construction to look more like Depp if that would secure the Hollywood stars acting prowess.

“I seen Johnny in all his movies.” Muhammed explains enthusiastically from his dank jail cell.

“I mean if he can play Dillinger, George Jung, J.M. Barrie… yo I seen that J.M. Barrie… motherfucker had a moustache! Depp aint never had no moustache!… Surely he can play me!”

While Muhammed languishes in his cell, imminent death hovering over his head like a halo, only an evil halo that breathes acid from it’s eyes, we pose Depp the possibilty of playing the slippery sniper on the silver screen.

“Well, that would be a tough one,” Depp says of the role.

“I mean he is a criminal… so I suppose I could play him. I do enjoy playing people on that particular side of the law. And I mean, if he’s willing to undergo a procedure to look more like me that would certainly help.”

With the Muhammed-penned script, complete with barely-there premise, jumpy narrative, and aggressive overtones of pro-Taliban rhetoric gathering hype in Hollywood circles as a potential indie sleeper hit, Tinsel-town players are keeping an ear out regarding big-name actors considering being attatched the key roles.

“Well, without giving too much away, there are a few main characters that are key to the success of the story.” Explains Muhammed.

“Of course there is the main character, me; also my accomplice Lee Boyd Malvo; the elven princess who sent me on my quest, Lady Fallangey; and of course the Rabbit Overlord of the Canadian Black Rebel Nation. This shit is deep.”

When pressed on his view of the potential of casting an actor like Depp into the lead role, an un-named Hollywood producer expresses doubt in the actor’s ability to pull off the part of John Allen Muhammed.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Johnny, I think he’s great. But for obvious reasons I just don’t see him being able to convincingly play John Allen Muhammed, I’m sorry.”

“It’s quite obvious that Johnny’s time as an indie darling is past him. We have to look at young fresh actors to play Muhammed. Actors like Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Kieren Culkin… these are actors I see immersing themselves in this man’s life.”

It seems that whatever your view, this nearly-mentally-retarded-killer/visionary’s life is sure to attract a lot of attention over the coming months.

“Yo I haven’t actually seen all of Johnny’s movies. They won’t let me watch Edward Scissorhand… I can’t see scissors or I get angry, dog.”


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Bleak, Retarded Future: A Sci-Fi Synopsis.

Melbourne: The future.

A city in disarray. Violence rules the streets.

Successive governments have failed to curb the out of control binge-drinking epidemic that is gripping the city. People just drink future-beers where ever they want then start future-fights. It’s madness.

Even banning drinking in strip clubs failed to stop the bloodshed. Who could have predicted that? I seriously would have thought that’d have a massive impact and stop all the crime from happening.

Inside the Australian Centre for Knee-Jerk Reactions, after years of brainstorming and experiments, scientists believe they have finally found the answer:

Robotic Electronic Titanium Alcohol-Reducing Diamorphic Empathetic Defender.

Or R.E.T.A.R.D.E.D. for short.

A cybernetic half-human, half-robot crime fighter that will rid the streets of scum and villainy.

Scientist 1: Finally! RETARDED is up and running! Now the streets will be clean of violence and mayhem!

Scientist 2: Yes. My children will grow up in a world without anything ever happening at all. I will rest easy.

In Canberra, President Rudd, serving his 19th term in office, gets word that RETARDED is being deployed on the streets of Melbourne, and makes a statement at a press conference…

Rudd: Seeing as though global warming happened in spite of our best efforts, and billions of dollars were spent on nothing, I can honestly say that if this plan fails I’m giving up on this bullshit altogether.

(Rudd’s aide clears his throat and motions at Rudd pointedly)

Rudd: Oh, yes… working families.

(Rudd leaves the stage to a resounding standing ovation.)

Back in Melbourne, RETARDED enters his specially-made RETARDED transportation unit for the first time and proceeds to cruise around looking for drunks and out of control behavior.

He spots on King St a suspicious looking individual.

RETARDED exits his vehicle and approaches the man.

RETARDED: Good evening sir. What is your business outside this adult entertainment complex?

Drunk Man: Heeeyy… youse is that fucken drunk cop thingo ey?

RETARDED: I’m Robotic Electronic Titanium Alcohol-Reducing Diamorphic Empathetic Defender. I keep the streets clean of intoxicated individuals through any force neccesary.

(Drunk man begins taking photos of RETARDED with his future-phone.)

Drunk Man: Oi! Davo! Loogadd this! Fucken metal shiny cop cunt!

Davo: Ahhhh! that’s awesome! (Gets out his future-camera phone, that in the future is actually a camera with a phone in it)

RETARDED: Sir, blow into my Breathalizer finger please.

Drunk Man: Okay, but I don’t usually do thish on the firs’ date huh huh!

(Man blows into RETARDED’s finger. A BAC reading of .145 shows up on RETARDED’s visor. He grabs the drunks man’s arm and breaks it at the elbow in one fell swoop.)

Drunk Man: ARGHGHGHHHH!!!!!

RETARDED: Sir, you are drunk. I am taking you down to the police station for further questioning.

Davo: Holy shit mate! That cunt just broke your arm in half! Fucken sick! I’m taking pics man, this is goin’ on my Future-book!

A job well done by RETARDED. He has kept another drunken lout of the streets of Melbourne, and only at a small cost to it’s taxpayers of forty-thousand dollars, and the city’s reputation.

But the job’s not done yet.

On the way back to HQ, RETARDED stops at a 7-11 to get a packet of chips, because he still has human parts, and those parts happen to like chips.

He notices strange activity going on inside the store, so he enters it with caution.

There at the counter, an armed man is pointing a laser at the clerk.

Clerk: Oh! Praise Allah! It’s RETARDED!

Armed Man: Oh, shit.

RETARDED: What is the nature of your emergency?

Clerk: This man is about to leave with all my money! You must help me.


Clerk: Uh… will you apprehend this man, please?

RETARDED: …I can not perform this function.

Clerk and Armed Man together: …What???

RETARDED: I’m Robotic Electronic Titanium Alcohol-Reducing Diamorphic Empathetic Defender. I keep the streets clean of intoxicated individuals.

Clerk: You mean, you can’t just take him to your car with you?

RETARDED: I can not perform this function.

Armed Man: I’m… just going to leave with my money.

The armed man escapes RETARDED this time! But if RETARDED ever catches him so much as .001% over the limit, his ass is grass!

RETARDED: I will purchase some Kettle chips.

Clerk: Fuck, you’re retarded.

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I Wanna See…



When a meteorite from outer space hits a young California girl named Susan Murphy and turns her into a giant monster, she is taken to a secret government compound where she meets a ragtag group of monsters also rounded up over the years. As a last resort, under the guidance of General W.R. Monger, on a desperate order from The President, the motley crew of Monsters is called into action to combat the aliens and save the world from imminent destruction!

Just the synopsis is enough to make me crap my pants.

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Romancing the Bone

I’m a dude. Straight off the bat I’m gunna let you guyses know I like dude things.

I like standing up peeing, Judd Apatow movies and wearing sunglasses on the train so I can check out girls without them knowing. Then seeing if they are checking me out. Then feeling a bit sad if they don’t look at least once-

Okay that last one is an eency bit fruity.

And I just said ‘eency’.


Let me start again…

I’m a red blooded male.

But I’m going to make a controversial statement. Most guys will object to this statement. But I’m going there anyway. Cos I like to cause controversy. And it is this:

Dudes kinda don’t mind romantic films.

It’s true.

Now before you go grab your nearest guy friend and try to drag him along to a special advanced-screening of Kate Hudson’s next abomination, let me explain further…

There is a certain type of romance movie that guys can stand. It has to fit a certain criteria, or else the whole production flies straight over our heads and all interest in the cause is lost. All of a sudden you got your boy falling asleep, texting his friends, texting a girl he knows wouldn’t ever take him to such a shit movie, etc.

I can see the controversy already. Sides are split. Some people are agreeing, some aren’t. (wtf am I talking about?)
So I shall break it down…

For a male human being to tolerate a romance film it has to have:

1. Humour
A guy will be more receptive to a romantic comedy than a straight-up romance film.
That’s just the way it is.
A romance film is like Corn Flakes* to a dude. Corn Flakes are bland, boring, tasteless morsels of flakey nothingness. There’s only a certain type of person that eats plain Corn Flakes with milk. They love it. They think it’s awesome, and they can not see why anyone else would hate plain Corn Flakes.
However, if you add sugar to Corn Flakes (read: add comedy to romance) it all of a sudden becomes bearable for everyone else.
But you can still only have so much before you feel full and bloated.
If you have too much you become sick and vomit up an orangey, yoghurtesque amalgamation. Not nice.

2. A Relatable Actor Playing the Male Lead
Most often, a girl’s idea of the perfect man, or what producers think a girl’s idea of the perfect man is, completely conflicts with what a guy thinks is a decent relatable male leading man.
Sometimes though, the film makers get it right.

Actors men can relate to in romantic roles:
John Cusack (check out the picture… I love him), Humphrey Bogart, Tim Robbins, Kurt Russell, Tom Hanks, Hugh Grant.

Actors men can not relate to in romantic roles:
Richard Gere, Matthew McConaghey, Matthew Perry, Colin Firth, Hugh Grant.

There are also some actors who play characters men can relate to such as Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire, but quickly lose all respect by being complete nut-bags and subsequently guys are more reluctant to see their films in a positive light.

Also, as shown in my list, when it comes to Hugh Grant, guys are divided on the issue.
Love Actually and About a Boy: good.
Notting Hill and Two Weeks Notice: urgk.

Not that I like Hugh Grant films.

3. An Adorable, Relatable (Hot) Leading Lady
It shits me to the core when I find myself in a situation where viewing of a romance film is inevitable, and I find out that I have no warmth for the female protagonist at all.
And by warmth I mean boner.
Unfortunately for guys, for some unknown reason, most romantic films have a shitty leading lady.
Obviously just like how guys’ and girls’ ideas of a good leading man conflict, so to do their ideas of a good leading lady.
Guys don’t want to see Cameron Diaz’s loud-mouthed, ultra girl-power, ladychild, tomboy, completely rude smart-arse bitch of a character succeed in getting her man.
There is absolutely no way a male audience is going to relate to any character Julia Roberts has ever played.
Wont happen.

Actresses men want to see in romantic roles:
Kate Beckinsale, Keira Knightly, Rachel McAdams, Natalie Portman, Andie MacDowell.

Actresses men do not want to see in romantic roles:
Julia Roberts, Renee Zelwegger, Julia Roberts, Kate Winslet, Julia Roberts, Sarah Jessica Parker.

The female lead of a romantic film has to be able to make the male audience fall in love with her.
As well as being cute, she has to play a character that isn’t a complete and utter bitch.
This could explain why after I watched The Notebook I promptly went onto Youtube and watched thousands of clips of Rachel McAdams in films, doing interviews and getting chased by paparazzi all the way through til the next morning, before crying myself to sleep in the feotal position.

Not that I like The Notebook.

Which brings me to my final point…

4. The Male Character Can’t be a Desperate Arsehole
“Oh no, oh gee, I just realised the error of my ways. I guess I was wrong all along! I have to go chase the girl of my dreams before she is out of my life forever!”
This scenario will not play out in any romantic film that a guy will tolerate.
The male character has to be the underdog.
That means more often than not, the girl has to realize she was in the wrong.
This is why we hate Julia Roberts films. We can sense that snooty bitch is expecting guys to fall at her feet.

I’d fall at her feet if I was behind her and someone was pushing her backwards over my body. That would be funny. But that’s the only time I’d be even close to falling at her feet.

However, Kate Beckinsale in Serendipity. I would lick the polish of her shoes if she asked me to. And enjoy it.

For a guy to get at least an iota of satisfaction out of a boy-chases-girl scenario, he has to feel like the male character wants to drop everything and chase a woman that’s actually worth it.
But what’s better is when the girl is after the guy. That’s pretty much an ego-boost for dudes, thinking that a gorgeous woman would actually go to the effort for a regular guy.

If a dude in a romance film is chasing a girl, it should be because he knows she’s heartbroken and she reciprocates his feelings for her back to him, not just because he’s in love with her and decides it’s fate. Fuck off with that shit, that’s crap. Write a real story line. This is why we have no respect for romantic films.

In the long run, they are just plain shit.

So basically what I’m saying is that for a romantic movie to hold a dude’s interest, it has to have humour, but not be too light-hearted, the guy’s got to have dignity and be the underdog, while the girl has to have class, be cute, and not be a complete diva.

But on the whole we’d rather you just take us to see Pineapple Express.

*This reminds me, have you ever noticed how after you have a bowl of cereal, then decide to have seconds in the same bowl straight after, the cereal is always heaps crunchier the second time around? That’s bizarre.


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Another Life For Sale


Hi, my name’s Darth!

Due to various lifestyle changes I am experiencing lately, I’ve decided to sell all [that’s right, ALL!] my Hothly possessions here on eBay!

This is an amazing offer, and one that should be considered very seriously!

This sale includes:Darth Vader

  • House
  • Material Possessions
  • Vehicles
  • Job

I know, I know… I bet you think I’m crazier than a Kowakian monkey-lizard on crack [LOLZ], but hear me out!

First, the back story…

I’m pretty much a widely-feared, cybernetic Dark Lord of the Sith, with no mercy.
I collaborate with the evil Emperor who controls the entire universe, and as such, I lived in this super-sick Battlestation for a while.
Life was pretty good, until my place was attacked by a rebel alliance hell-bent on destroying the Empire, and re-instating a galactic republic [aint that always the way?].
My home was completely destroyed, but for the past few years I’ve been creating a bigger and even more super-dangerous home. It’s taking forever to build, and just looking at the place being unfinished for so long is kinda getting me down.

Anyways, that, combined with the fact that my bitch wife left me and took the kids, is the basic reason why I’m selling everything and not looking back!

After selling everything I plan to walk away with just my wallet and galactic passport and explore the universe! I’m thinking of maybe starting with a Contiki tour around the outer-rim… I hear those things are sex-fests!

So what am I selling?

Well let’s begin with the the obvs…

My Battlestation is pretty much the most valuable part of the whole deal.Death Star
Still under construction, and at a planned 900 kilometres wide, this baby is pretty much going to be the most prime piece of real-estate in the galaxy.
Dubbed the Death Star [you may have heard of it?], it’s spacious and comfortable, and over time I’m sure you’ll find it gets to be less of a weapon of unimaginable destruction, and more of a home.

Also, I will be paying for the construction of the rest of this Death Star, so the winning bidder wont have to worry about that. [I kinda have powers of the force, and use them to tell the construction company I’ve paid them, even when I haven’t! Keep that shit on the down-low tho, LOL!]

Some features of the Death Star include:

  • 145,000 single living quarters
  • 86,780 toilets
  • 3-Fleet garageLounge Room
  • 1 Master bedroom with walk-in robe and ensuite
  • 1 Superlaser with ability to pretty much turn any planet into Bantha-fodder.
  • Emperor’s Throne Room [does not come with Emperor 🙂 ]
  • Meditation Chamber
  • Pool room
  • Ducted heating

As well as the Death Star, the winning bidder will receive all my material belongings contained within.
Just some of the things I own, and you will receive include:

  • 4 rad Lightsabers [One of which doesn’t really work, but still looks pretty ace.]
  • A Playstation 3, as well as 8 original titles
  • A fondue setFondue
  • Brand new three-piece lounge suite
  • My whole CD [Burt Baccarat, Creedence] and DVD [Shawshank, Creedence Live 1970] collection
  • All my clothes [Mostly black cybernetic armor-suits, and a pair of transparent platform shoes]
  • Various S&M paraphernalia
  • A Dell desktop PC with Norton Antivirus and Linksys router
  • Foxtel IQ
  • A random collection of protocol droids with homosexual tendenciesC3PO
  • A crew of 300,000 men
  • Fender Squire electric guitar [I took lessons but I’m not very good LOL]

I also have various vehicles. As well as the fleet of destroyers, battleships, fighters, walkers, speeders etc that are included, you also receive my personal TIE Advanced Fighter. It includes modifications such as new speaker set and sub woofer, as well as sick blue LEDs under the headlights… so pimp.
You’ll also get my bicycle.Bike

As well as all my possessions, the winning bidder will receive my job.
Obviously as a Dark Lord of the Sith, I can not offer you my day job, as there are very strict prerequisites to abide by, and I’m pretty much the only person in the universe who fulfills all of them.
However, on top of my sinister day job, I also work in the sound and vision department at the Death Star Kmart 3 nights a week, and if need be, I can talk to my manager, Chris, and organise casual employment there for the winning bidder.
On second-thoughts I’ll just use Sith mind-tricks.

Well, that pretty much sums it up.
I will be starting the bidding at 1 galactic credit, but am hoping for a winning bid of around 500,000,000,000,000 galactic credits.
As I said, this is an insanely sweet deal, and you’d have to be a smelly Ewok not to look into it!

For further info go to http://www.darthslife4sale.com

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2am Lockout, or “How I Learned To Hate Everyone.”


Okay, well I’m not that angry.

I’m just frustrated that this whole so-called ‘2am lockout‘ (doesn’t the phrase just scream “people friendly policy” right in your face?) will be enacted in Melbourne soon, and the only people getting a say in it haven’t experienced this city’s nightlife since Mo Rene was bringing the house down at the Tivoli Theatre…

Basically the law will be that any nightclub that lets in new patrons after 2am will be severely reprimanded yadda yadda yadda etc etc in the hopes of tackling our marvellous city’s spiralling assault epidemic.

Pictures in today’s Herald Sun did nothing to quell the issue.

Honestly with a headline like that on the front page of your country’s highest selling paper you’d expect it to be the fucking Blitzkreig!
No shit folks, I saw the front page of the Herald Sun this morning, shat my pants, and promptly ran for the nearest door frame and stood in it with my hands braced against the sides like Krakatoa was busting a nut in my lounge room.

This latest novel idea to punish the majority for the idiocy of the (very) small minority, is even more frustrating as it comes days after K.Rudd, aka Kevin ’07, aka Kevin Frank Drebben, aka Kevin uhh.. Michael Bevan? (we get it, Kevin Rudd’s name can be used against him, get over it opinion-piece writers) announced he’d be lifting the tax levy on all pre-mixed alcoholic beveridges (which apparently are called, no shit… ‘Alcopops’… hmm, for a government so anti-binge drinking they sure do seem to know a lot about booze slang… curious). I mean I don’t really care about that, I need a passionfruit UDL like I need a colostomy bag emptied into my chocolate flavoured Yogo tublet (obscure 90’s snack reference FTW!!1!), but as Dennis Denuto says, “It’s the principal”. He also says “TRAY THREE? I’VE CLEARED TRAY THREE FIVE FUCKING TIMES!”

So the real question is… what to do about all this nonsense? Do we start a riot… instigating a new form of government which will fight for our right to party?

No. We take shitty songs and we replace the lyrics with somewhat funny ones that don’t really last the length of the original song (I get bored quickly).

For the full effect, check out the vid below and read the lyrics to the tune!

“2am Lockout”

You elected Kevin Rudd,
And he wants to thank you thus
Now pre-mixed booze costs way too much for you

Those drink are way too dear now,
And it’s hard to get a beer now
Cos Brumby’s fucking your fun nights out too

(Angels: La lalala lalala lalala…)

2am lockout,
No kicking on after birthdays for you
2am lockout,
No sinking piss somewhere else after two

Well at least they could have taken time, to ask ‘Who will clean all this up?’
Instead of knee-jerk policies, that will only ruin good piss-ups…

Baby get moving (Baby get movin),
We’ll have to stay at this shit club til five,
There’s no point improving (Is it improving…)
When politicians love to drink and drive?

He shot some galliano, and chased it with a jager,
A few more beers, then behind the wheel, and he’s front page of the paper.

2am lockout (it’s such a cop-out),
Don’t forget that nightclub ‘Scores’
2am lockout (Rudd got his cock out)
At that tit bar in New York

Well it’s easy to say Brumby will be
Voted out next election,
But I’ve heard nothing from that fucker Ted,
So the system can suck my erection

2am lockout.


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