Tag Archives: celebs

Johnny’s Playing John… But Can He Play John?

He was one of the most notorious criminals of the 20th century.

John Dillinger rode a wave of notoriety throughout the early 1930’s by robbing banks, killing police officers in cold blood and returning library books well past the due date with not even an apology.

It is only fitting then, that one of the most accomplished actors of our time, Johnny Depp, will be playing him in the upcoming biopic about the ruthless killer, Public Enemies.

The one flaw in the casting it would seem though, is that Depp looks absolutely nothing like his depression-era counterpart.

john2

Where Dillinger had a high forehead, receding hairline, small porcine ears, thin lips and cleft chin… Depp counters these physical features by being, well, stunningly beautiful.

johnny

It is becoming increasingly clear that Depp, delving deep into ever deeper depths every year, is forever searching for the meaty roles offered to an accomplished actor of his ilk.

Which brings us to John Allen Muhammad.

john

Muhammed, speaking from Sussex County, Virginia, where he is being kept on death row for the murder of up to 17 people in 2002, has expressed his interest in being played by Johnny Depp in a film about his life.

While  Muhammed has been told of the effectiveness of modern film make-up techniques in transforming human features, he has gone as far as saying he would considering undergoing a facial re-construction to look more like Depp if that would secure the Hollywood stars acting prowess.

“I seen Johnny in all his movies.” Muhammed explains enthusiastically from his dank jail cell.

“I mean if he can play Dillinger, George Jung, J.M. Barrie… yo I seen that J.M. Barrie… motherfucker had a moustache! Depp aint never had no moustache!… Surely he can play me!”

While Muhammed languishes in his cell, imminent death hovering over his head like a halo, only an evil halo that breathes acid from it’s eyes, we pose Depp the possibilty of playing the slippery sniper on the silver screen.

“Well, that would be a tough one,” Depp says of the role.

“I mean he is a criminal… so I suppose I could play him. I do enjoy playing people on that particular side of the law. And I mean, if he’s willing to undergo a procedure to look more like me that would certainly help.”

With the Muhammed-penned script, complete with barely-there premise, jumpy narrative, and aggressive overtones of pro-Taliban rhetoric gathering hype in Hollywood circles as a potential indie sleeper hit, Tinsel-town players are keeping an ear out regarding big-name actors considering being attatched the key roles.

“Well, without giving too much away, there are a few main characters that are key to the success of the story.” Explains Muhammed.

“Of course there is the main character, me; also my accomplice Lee Boyd Malvo; the elven princess who sent me on my quest, Lady Fallangey; and of course the Rabbit Overlord of the Canadian Black Rebel Nation. This shit is deep.”

When pressed on his view of the potential of casting an actor like Depp into the lead role, an un-named Hollywood producer expresses doubt in the actor’s ability to pull off the part of John Allen Muhammed.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Johnny, I think he’s great. But for obvious reasons I just don’t see him being able to convincingly play John Allen Muhammed, I’m sorry.”

“It’s quite obvious that Johnny’s time as an indie darling is past him. We have to look at young fresh actors to play Muhammed. Actors like Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Kieren Culkin… these are actors I see immersing themselves in this man’s life.”

It seems that whatever your view, this nearly-mentally-retarded-killer/visionary’s life is sure to attract a lot of attention over the coming months.

“Yo I haven’t actually seen all of Johnny’s movies. They won’t let me watch Edward Scissorhand… I can’t see scissors or I get angry, dog.”

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Money, Money, Money (Must Be Funny)

Money is like a hideously deformed albino dwarf.

I don’t like thinking about it, but I feel at ease knowing it’s hidden in a sock under my bed for when I need it.

I don’t like discussing my financial situation in front of friends. It’s a personal subject and talking about my own money makes me feel slightly uneasy, which is why I instead insist on flagrantly displaying wads of it in front of their faces, and sometimes lighting cigars with it, thereby avoiding the need to talk about it directly.

Unlike a growing number of people around the world, I have a relatively steady job. (And no, as popular as this blog is, it’s not as a professional blogger! *Chuckles to self while puffing from corncob pipe.*

I often wonder to myself what lengths I would go to for money, offering myself likely hypotheticals such as…

  • Would I eat piece of dog shit for a million dollars?
  • Would I chop my own arm off for 100 million dollars?
  • Would I give my dad a blow job and eat my own shit for a billion dollars?

Most of the time I find myself completely disregarding the money and flat out rejecting the absurd scenarios playing out in my mind (although a billion dollars is a lot of money… hmm) .
Besides, I quickly lose interest because I can not understand why someone would want to pay me so much to do such hideous things…

Don’t get me wrong, I love to buy stuff.  I’m completely materialistic and just enjoy having things. It’s fantastic. But I go by the old addage, “work to live, don’t live to work”, which, in a lot of ways is similar to my previous motto, “DOLLA DOLLA BILLZ YO”.

This may be the reason I enjoy watching VH1’s I Love Money so damn much.

The contestants are straight up vile people. They’re stupid. They’re obnoxious. They have ridiculous names like ‘Real’, ‘Toastee’, and ‘Midget Mac’.

But therein lies the appeal. I could watch Whiteboy abuse Mr Boston for hours and still be completely besotted by the whole thing. It’s pure entertainment. I never miss it. In fact I wanna watch it right now!

I can’t stand most reality television shows.
But I Love Money is just so. fucking. trashy.

We get to witness heinous people who in every day life we would probably hate with a passion, embarrass themselves week after week in the name of $200,000. It’s genius.

One of the best aspects of the whole show is the host, CJ, who clearly harbours a burning resentment for each and every one of the contestants, but hides it behind a cool, calm, distinctly urban veneer.

So watch I Love Money.
And if you live somehwhere where the first series is already over, be sure to check out VH1’s next trashy offering… RuPaul Drag Race 2! Should be a hoot!

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Swine Flu Survival Guide

What’s the buzz, tell me what’s-a-happenin’

What’s the buzz, tell me what’s-a-happenin’

What’s the buzz, tell me what’s-a-happenin’

SWINE FLU. That’s what’s-a-happenin’. And it’s a-happenin’ now!

By now you have surely heard of this so-called swine flu outbreak, wreaking havoc in Mexico and gradually spreading to other countries.
In short, it’s the end of civilization as we know it… just like SARS was.

But what is swine flu? How can I avoid swine flu? How can I unknowingly (or otherwise) transmit swine flu among humans?

I decided to go straight to the source to find out.

No I didn’t ask any swine, that would be ludicrous, but I did type ‘swine flu’ into Google, and I must say, I’m pretty clued in on this whole situation… for example, did you know ‘swine’ means ‘pig’???

What is Swine Flu?

Swine Influenza is a highly contagious respiratory disease caused by airborn pig-particles infecting the atmosphere. If breathed in, these pig-particles can cause flu-like symptoms in both pigs and humans alike.
Outrageously outdated scientific theories maintain that these pig-particles are formed from the wrath of God out of pig hair and angel tears.

How is it spread?

Like the seasonal flu, Swine Flu is spread from person to person through coughing and sneezing. Making contact with a pig on the lips is also a sure way of getting infected. Much the same as kissing Kelly Osborne.

No, Johnny! Her Papa Don’t Preach cover was awful!

What are the signs and symptoms of Swine Flu?

Symptoms of swine flu in humans are similar to that of the regular flu, including fever, cough, sore throat, aching body, headache, chills, fatigue, diarrhoea and vomiting.
Similar to walking in on Beth Ditto doing naked Pilates.

(Note to self: Ixnay on the at-girlsfay)

I don’t ever want to catch Swine Flu, what should I do?

The only clear-cut, fool-proof method of never catching Swine Flu ever is to kill yourself before it has a chance at getting you.

I think I have Swine Flu, what should I do?

Urgh, stay the hell away from me for one.
Once you’ve confined yourself to your own domicile, call your emergency services.
A team of government-sanctioned “help-crews” will be at your house within 4-6 minutes.
After covering your house in a germ-proof plastic tent and physically restraining you, the help-crews will test you for Swine Flu.
If you are not infected, you will be sent to a remote island for weeks of further testing.
If you are infected, the military has been granted permission to napalm your house and everything within a five kilometer radius.

“Don’t get me started on Napalm…”

What countries are affected by outbreaks in pigs?

The disease is considered endemic in the US and outbreaks in pigs are known to have occurred in the US, Europe, Africa and parts of eastern Asia including China and Japan.
Australia has vowed to devour as many pigs as is necessary to prevent the outbreak of Swine Flu in that country.

Does Joaquin Phoenix have Swine Flu?

Yes.

Is it still safe to eat pork products?

There has been no link found between consumption of pork products and Swine Flu. But I suppose we’ll all find out for sure when vegetarians and orthodox Jews are the only humans left on the planet.

“I fucking knew we didn’t eat that shit for a reason!!”

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Sportsperson Endorsements

From Yahoo news:

Cricket legend Glenn McGrath has joined with a group of scientists calling for a new strain of calicivirus to be introduced to kill rabbits. Rabbits cost Australia’s agriculture sector around $200 million a year while also wreaking havoc on native flora and fauna, the federally-funded Invasive Animals Cooperative Research Centre (IACRC) says.

“During my cricketing career I’ve had to deal with pests all over the world,” McGrath said.

“Mainly greedy batsmen who have dug their heels in and refused to budge from the crease.

“But none of those cricketing foes caused anywhere near as much damage as what the rabbit has inflicted on Australian soil.”

You may think this is a strange endorsement, but Glenn McGrath is not the first high-profile sportsperson to champion a scientific initiative…

Shaquille O’Neal: “I’ve scored a lot of points in my time, but one thing you don’t want to score is cervical cancer. Get vaccinated from cervical cancer today… and protect your cervix.”

Michael Phelps: “I’ve swum a lot of laps in my career, but if there’s one thing that I don’t want in my lap, it’s an unwanted child. When you’re thinking of terminating an unwanted pregnancy in the first 49 days of pregnancy, (up to 63 days in Britain and Sweden), think Mifepristone.”

Usain Bolt: “I run a lot. But when I get the runs, I use Imodium. Imodium, so I can run without getting the runs.”

John Daly: “I don’t know what the hell Streptococcus pneumoniae is, but I sure as shit don’t want it… that’s why I got the Pneumococcal polysaccharide vaccine. C’mahn… even big, fat moody bastards like me get vaccines.”

David Beckham: “For too long, bears have been terrorizing the forests of England. That’s why I’m supporting the Labour Party’s bear-culling initiative. Stop the bears before they eat your face.”

Lou Richards: “Where are my Depends?”

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Richie Benaud Undergoes Radical Facelift Procedure

Richie Benaud, former Australian Test team captain, and voice of cricket in Australia for nearly 50 years, has undergone a radical facelift procedure in an attempt to fight the ravages of age.

Benaud, 78, says he was compelled to have the surgery because he just “did not feel sexy anymore.”

“Sometimes I woke up in the morning and looked in the mirror, and just didn’t recognise the face looking back at me,” the longtime broadcaster says.

“Hopefully now this procedure will boost my confidence, and I’ll be able to have my picture taken without shying away from the lens.”

Mr Benaud’s long-time television commentary partner, Tony Grieg says there has been a notable change in Benaud’s attitude since undergoing the extensive procedure. “Oh yes, my word, Richie looks incredible. In fact I don’t believe I have felt this physically attracted to Richie since the days of World Series Cricket in the 70’s.

“I heard he’s been slated to grace the front page of GQ next month, which is simply marvellous.”

Since the change in his appearance, Mr Benaud has been spotted walking contentedly along a beach with a loose, white unbuttoned shirt flowing in the breeze, and driving in his new Dodge Viper convertible, complete with scantly-clad young women running their fingers through his hair whilst giggling.

“This is the new Richie”, says Mr Benaud, “You crackas better recognise.”

Richie Beanaud, before and after his cosmetic surgery.

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Fidel Castro Announces Plans To Form Run DMC Tribute Group

My Adidas … a “straight-up gangsta” Fidel Castro poses with Chilean President Michelle Bachelet.

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Bill Gates Turning Into Evil Villain

Microsoft owner Bill Gates today released a jar full of mosquitoes during a technology and design conference in California, doing nothing to quell recent reports of his gradual transition into a second-rate supervillain.

Gates alledgedly screamed “Not only poor people should experience this!”, before unleashing the swarm on the unsuspecting audience and subsequently disappearing in a cloud of purple smoke, laughing maniacally.

Gates’ wife Melinda has confirmed that Mr Gates has finally run out of constructive things to spend his vast fortune on.

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