If I Were a Girl

Beyonce’s song “If I Were a Boy” is getting a lot of airplay lately.
It’s a piece of shit moving song, full of heartfelt sentiment and other things I don’t care about.

But what would it be like if the table was turned on the other foot, so to speak?
Don’t think we guys haven’t thought about what it would be like to be a girl…

If I Were a Girl
(Lyrics by James © 2008)

If I were a girl
Even for just one day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
And look at myself naked for a while
Then get in the shower
And lather up my body
I’d strike sexy poses
And do various inappropriate things
Before I’ve even left the house

If I were a girl
I think I’d wear little clothing
And hit on other girls
As I walked down the street
They’d think I was a skank
Cos I’m wearing a g-string
And not too much else at all
As I walk into the lesbian bar
And order a round of beers

If I were a girl
I wouldn’t get over my boobs
I’d give them names
Like Fred and Wilma
And shove them in faces
For free shots of Tequila
Then find random girls to pash
And make a DVD
And sell it for millions of dollars

If I were a girl
I think I could understand
How it feels to be a lesbo
And reject sexing mans
I’d take all my knowledge
Gained from watching porn
Like techniques and positions (positions)
Yeh I got those editions (editions)
But I just read em for the articles

Oh God I was cursed with this penis
It was such a mistake
Think I want it back?
You can keep that hideous thing
I like my new vajay

Beyonce, you’re just a girl
You don’t understand (yeh you don’t understand)
How much guys would give to have
Some boobies all of their own
Just to play with every once in a while
Yeh you’ve taken them for granted
Oh they’re kind of annoying sometimes I know
But I love being a girl

Chewie Does Schoolies

gday all

Me names Kev, but me mates call me Chewie..

i used to go to wangaratta secondary college, like, in wangaratta, until i was booted out just before exams for setting fire to a wheelie bin, but now me and me mates are headed to the gold coast for SCHOOLIES WEEK!!!1!

So, like in the intrests of public knowlege and all that shit like, im writing this article about schoolies, cos like heaps of cunts go there after school finishes and that?

My girlfriend didnt want me to go cos like she thought id root other chicks and that, so i dumped her arse cos she was right CHEWIES GOIN TO ROOT CHICKS.!!

i was like ‘fucken yehhhhhhhh!!!!!!! schoolies man i’m gunna get some puss-ay!’ and she just like went back to smokin her billy and so i threw her bag out the window LOL!!!

so im not a very good writer or whatever fucken, so i just got a bunch of pictures of schoolies and im pritty much just goin to write shit about them and try not to piss any fucken faggets off and that..

SCHOOOLLIESS!!

all in all schOOLIES WAS FUCKEN AWESOME. I DRANK LIKE 100 LITERS OF BEERS AND MET SOME TOP BLOKES. sO FOR ALL THE WANKERS SAYING SCHOOLIES IS DANGEROUS FUCKEN GET CLUE MATE, I WENT TO SCHOOLIES I ONLY GOT 1 CONCUSHION AND 14 STITCHES! tOO EASY!!

hooroo,

CHEWIE

Definitive Indie Quiz

I posted this as a Myspace bulletin, back before Myspace was mainstream, not to mention before indie was mainstream… sell-outs.

How Indie are you?

If you answer yes to any of these questions give yourself 5 points…

( ) Were you the first person you know to hear “Last Nite” by The Strokes?

( ) Were you the first person you know to hear “Evil” by Interpol?

( ) Were you the first person you know to hear “Lazy Eye” by the Silver Sun Pickups?

( ) Were you the first person you know to hear “Naïve” by the Kooks?

( ) Were you the first person to hear any Kooks song ever?

( ) Did you know about the Kooks before they formed?

( ) Did you invent skinny jeans?

( ) Were you the first person you know to see Garden State?

( ) Zach Braff’s myspace is your homepage.

( ) Were you the first person you know to wear a scarf at a club even when it’s not cold outside?

( ) Streetparty!…. Did you just have an orgasm when you read that word?

( ) Do you believe a cardigan is a way of life?

( ) Are you so indie you’re actually massively corporate?

( ) Did you know the dinosaurs would become extinct before it happened?

( ) Did you start the trend of dinosaurs wearing Chuck Taylor All-Stars?

( ) Fuck the dinosaurs they sold out when they made a comeback 365 million years after they were supposedly dead. Fucking suits. Agree?

( ) Did you invent music?

( ) Are you the only truely Indie person in the world?

If you didn’t answer ‘yes’ to every single one of those questions you are not truely indie, so go suck on one you corporate sell-out super-suit fucking poseur.

If you did answer ‘yes’ to all of them… you’re not indie, because I already answered yes to them all first. Sell-out.

MacGyver Reviews Products On eBay

Ken-Tool Tyre Wrench Set
$29.95

Wow, Ken-Tool really dropped the ball with this product.
They might as well accompany this tyre wrench with a warning label: “Attention! If you happen to be locked in the trunk of a Russian terrorists’ car with highly flammable gas leaking out of the fuel tank and a naked flame inching ever closer to the vehicle, do NOT use this product to try to wench the trunk open!!!”

I mean, this company expects our business, yet their products can’t handle a simple trunk-jimmy?

What, are we living in the dark ages, people?

2 stars.

Review by mac_daddy69

ACCO 100 pack Paper clips
$4.95

So, I was riding an armed nuclear missile that’s hurtling to earth like a supersonic bucking bronco, and long story short, the only way I could disarm this sucker was by using the end of a paper clip to poke the thingy next to the clock.

Done it a million times, never been a big issue…

So I get out my packet of ACCO Paper Clips, (which I never had a problem with before) stick the straightened out clip in, and what happens?

It breaks!

It breaks off in the freaking timing mechanism!

So I had to construct an electro-magnet out of a bolt, some copper wiring and a 9 volt battery just to get the end of the paper clip out of the circuit then fit a new (Officeworks brand) paper clip in to disarm the bomb and save an entire town.

No biggie. That’s fine. I’m not saying it’s ACCO’s fault that 10,000 people nearly died… just… no, screw it that’s exactly what I’m saying.

2.5 stars.

Review by mac_daddy69

Orbit White Sugar-free Gum
$1.50

I’m just gonna say, if you’re ever in a situation where you need to patch a leak in a large canister containing a particularly virulent strain of the ebola virus, you better not be chewing Orbit White Sugarfree Gum.

2 stars.

Review by mac_daddy69

Triple Strike Weed Killer
$22

Triple Strike weed killer is fine…

…if you want to see the lamest explosion of ALL TIME.

Seriously, this thing barely left a hideous scar on Murdoc’s face at all! I could have farted more firepower into him to be honest, and don’t worry, I’ve already written an angrily-worded letter to the people at Triple Strike.

If you want to create a REAL explosion, you’re best off sticking with Gordon’s Trimec weed killer.
if it’s good enough for Afghan terrorists, it’s damn well good enough for MacGyver! (me)

1 star.

Review by mac_daddy69

Victorinox Swiss Army Knife
$32.99

Anyway, in my line of work I use Swiss Army Knives a lot.
Like, it’s kinda my thing.
If I don’t have a reliable Swiss Army Knife, I’m pretty much F to the UCKED.

I like this model Swiss Army Knife very much. It’s sturdy, reliable, and fits snugly in my anus in case terrorists are frisking me and I need to hide it somewhere.

However…

Note to manufacturer, Victorinox: Have you thought about adding a duct tape dispenser to the knife’s already amazing repetoir?
It’s just that, it’d save me a hell of a lot of time.
I mean, it would save me a lot of trouble right now anyway…
I’m tied up in a dungeon and am typing this review on a computer I created out of an elastic band and an old sardine tin.

4.5 stars.

Review by mac_daddy69