Tag Archives: Internet

Poodle War 1, a Wikipedia Summary

Poodle War I (abbreviated PWI or PW1; also known as the First Poodle War, the Great Poodle War, and the War to End All Poodle Wars) was a global war fought chiefly in Doggie-Europe from 1914 to 1918.[2]

The scale and intensity of the conflict were unprecedented, with more Poodles fighting and more casualties in action than any prior Poodle conflict. About 70 million Poodles took part in the fighting,[3] including 60 million Europoodles.[4][5] New technologies – machine guns, better artillery, advanced logistics, poison gas, aerial warfare and silent whistles – increased the scale of the carnage. The war claimed over 40 million casualties, including approximately 20 million house-bound Poodles and military Poodles dead.[6] Many of the events attendant upon the war – blockade, revolution, genocide and a global plush toy shortage – increased the misery.

The war had sweeping consequences for Canine politics and diplomacy in the rest of the 20th century.

The war resulted in the collapse and fragmentation of the Austro-Hungarian Hound Empire, the Russian Spaniel Empire, and the Otterhound Empire. The German Shepherd Empire was overthrown, and subsequently lost terriers. As a consequence, the maps of Doggie-Europe and the Piddle East were re-drawn; ancient bone-archies were replaced by collie-unist or pembroke-atic re-face-licks. For the first time, an international body, the League of Dalmations, was created to prevent a Poodle-war ever occurring again. The terms of the treaties ending the war, and the instability of new nations, were important factors leading towards Poodle War II twenty years later.

Pictured: General Sir Doglas Haig

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Bill Gates Turning Into Evil Villain

Microsoft owner Bill Gates today released a jar full of mosquitoes during a technology and design conference in California, doing nothing to quell recent reports of his gradual transition into a second-rate supervillain.

Gates alledgedly screamed “Not only poor people should experience this!”, before unleashing the swarm on the unsuspecting audience and subsequently disappearing in a cloud of purple smoke, laughing maniacally.

Gates’ wife Melinda has confirmed that Mr Gates has finally run out of constructive things to spend his vast fortune on.

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MacGyver Reviews Products On eBay

Ken-Tool Tyre Wrench Set
$29.95

Wow, Ken-Tool really dropped the ball with this product.
They might as well accompany this tyre wrench with a warning label: “Attention! If you happen to be locked in the trunk of a Russian terrorists’ car with highly flammable gas leaking out of the fuel tank and a naked flame inching ever closer to the vehicle, do NOT use this product to try to wench the trunk open!!!”

I mean, this company expects our business, yet their products can’t handle a simple trunk-jimmy?

What, are we living in the dark ages, people?

2 stars.

Review by mac_daddy69

ACCO 100 pack Paper clips
$4.95

So, I was riding an armed nuclear missile that’s hurtling to earth like a supersonic bucking bronco, and long story short, the only way I could disarm this sucker was by using the end of a paper clip to poke the thingy next to the clock.

Done it a million times, never been a big issue…

So I get out my packet of ACCO Paper Clips, (which I never had a problem with before) stick the straightened out clip in, and what happens?

It breaks!

It breaks off in the freaking timing mechanism!

So I had to construct an electro-magnet out of a bolt, some copper wiring and a 9 volt battery just to get the end of the paper clip out of the circuit then fit a new (Officeworks brand) paper clip in to disarm the bomb and save an entire town.

No biggie. That’s fine. I’m not saying it’s ACCO’s fault that 10,000 people nearly died… just… no, screw it that’s exactly what I’m saying.

2.5 stars.

Review by mac_daddy69

Orbit White Sugar-free Gum
$1.50

I’m just gonna say, if you’re ever in a situation where you need to patch a leak in a large canister containing a particularly virulent strain of the ebola virus, you better not be chewing Orbit White Sugarfree Gum.

2 stars.

Review by mac_daddy69

Triple Strike Weed Killer
$22


Triple Strike weed killer is fine…

…if you want to see the lamest explosion of ALL TIME.

Seriously, this thing barely left a hideous scar on Murdoc’s face at all! I could have farted more firepower into him to be honest, and don’t worry, I’ve already written an angrily-worded letter to the people at Triple Strike.

If you want to create a REAL explosion, you’re best off sticking with Gordon’s Trimec weed killer.
if it’s good enough for Afghan terrorists, it’s damn well good enough for MacGyver! (me)

1 star.

Review by mac_daddy69

Victorinox Swiss Army Knife
$32.99

Anyway, in my line of work I use Swiss Army Knives a lot.
Like, it’s kinda my thing.
If I don’t have a reliable Swiss Army Knife, I’m pretty much F to the UCKED.

I like this model Swiss Army Knife very much. It’s sturdy, reliable, and fits snugly in my anus in case terrorists are frisking me and I need to hide it somewhere.

However…

Note to manufacturer, Victorinox: Have you thought about adding a duct tape dispenser to the knife’s already amazing repetoir?
It’s just that, it’d save me a hell of a lot of time.
I mean, it would save me a lot of trouble right now anyway…
I’m tied up in a dungeon and am typing this review on a computer I created out of an elastic band and an old sardine tin.

4.5 stars.

Review by mac_daddy69


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I Wanna See…

…this!

http://www.movietrailertalk.com/2008/08/monsters-vs-aliens-leaked-trailer/

When a meteorite from outer space hits a young California girl named Susan Murphy and turns her into a giant monster, she is taken to a secret government compound where she meets a ragtag group of monsters also rounded up over the years. As a last resort, under the guidance of General W.R. Monger, on a desperate order from The President, the motley crew of Monsters is called into action to combat the aliens and save the world from imminent destruction!

Just the synopsis is enough to make me crap my pants.
ME WANT. ME WANT!!

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Stuff White People Like…

Going to the website Stuff White People Like and being offended by the content of said website and leaving narky messages about how the website is racist and not thinking that you should just take some things with a grain of salt and sometimes it’s okay not to decipher every aspect of the internet and I cant believe one of the categories is “Irony” yet most of the commenters on the site don’t seem to comprehend the concept at all and oh my God get a sense of humor, fucktards.

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New Sites On The Block

Hi, I have a new website, if you’d care to take a look and tell all your friends about it, so you can say “Hey, remember how we were among the first people to visit Mediocrity Strikes!, the world’s most awesomest website? We’re uber-trendy!”

http://www.mediocritystrikes.wordpress.com

If you have any examples of mediocrity [whatever you believe that to mean] be sure to send them through to me at mediocritystrikes@gmail.com!

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Old People News (By My Grandfather)

We’re nothing if not sell-outs here at This Is Modern, so in the interests of grappling for the approval of every last demographic on the web, I have enlisted the help of my Grandpa (Gramps) to write a post catering to the people of a certain age of our society, who may feel that they aren’t getting the news they want to hear at more mainstream news outlets.

So the following is a post [that took eight hours to type] by my Gramps…

Dear listeners.

It’s been a big week in old people’s news, so let’s get down the the nitty-gritty…

Those bloody teenagers are still up to no good.
I read in a study in Readers Digest that only 45% of teenagers respect their elders these days, compared to 100% of everyone in the world back in our days.
That’s a decrease of 55% in respect for elders in that time period alone.

This graph I created on a computer programme called “Paint” illustrates my point quite nicely I think…

The price of orange juice continues to rise as the war in the Middle-East rages on.
Old people consumer groups are expected to protest that the government’s orange juice levy be lowered from 5 cents per pallet of orange juice, to the much more reasonable 4 cents.

There has been a serious breakthrough in Alzheimers Disease research at a university in Italy. I’ll keep you updated.

Bowls legend Jack MacKenzie has passed away.
He was the youngest regional bowls champion of all time when he won the Wangaratta Division 1 Golden Meat-Tray four years ago.

Old Man

He died last week aged ninety-three.

There has been a serious breakthrough in Alzheimers Disease research at a University in Italy. I’ll keep you updated.

There’s a computer virus doing the rounds that, when opened, will play loud devil’s music and blind you with constantly moving shapes and irritating lights and colours.
It looks something like this…

Media Player

The weather for next week:

Monday – Cold.
Tuesday – Cold.
Wednesday – A bit warmer, watch out for brown people and greedy Chinamen.
Thursday – Fine again, but those bloody Peterson kids might be out on their skate-planky-wotsits.
Friday – Overcast. Everyone’s rushing to get home for the weekend, so drive down the middle of the road extra slowly to avoid accidents. Possibly with one blinker flashing.
Saturday – Clear, too many young people out. Stay inside.
Sunday – Foggy. Perfect “go for an early stroll down to the shops and get lost in a Kmart” weather.

Shopping

There has been a serious breakthrough in Alzheimers Disease research at a University in Italy… more on that next time.

That’s Old People News for now, thank you for tuning in.

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