I’M SO BLOODY FUCKING FREAKING FURIOUS!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!@
Okay, well I’m not that angry.
I’m just frustrated that this whole so-called ‘2am lockout‘ (doesn’t the phrase just scream “people friendly policy” right in your face?) will be enacted in Melbourne soon, and the only people getting a say in it haven’t experienced this city’s nightlife since Mo Rene was bringing the house down at the Tivoli Theatre…
Basically the law will be that any nightclub that lets in new patrons after 2am will be severely reprimanded yadda yadda yadda etc etc in the hopes of tackling our marvellous city’s spiralling assault epidemic.
Pictures in today’s Herald Sun did nothing to quell the issue.
CITY ERUPTSSSSS!! ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WORKING FAMILIES OF ‘STRAYA!!!!!
Honestly with a headline like that on the front page of your country’s highest selling paper you’d expect it to be the fucking Blitzkreig!
No shit folks, I saw the front page of the Herald Sun this morning, shat my pants, and promptly ran for the nearest door frame and stood in it with my hands braced against the sides like Krakatoa was busting a nut in my lounge room.
This latest novel idea to punish the majority for the idiocy of the (very) small minority, is even more frustrating as it comes days after K.Rudd, aka Kevin ’07, aka Kevin Frank Drebben, aka Kevin uhh.. Michael Bevan? (we get it, Kevin Rudd’s name can be used against him, get over it opinion-piece writers) announced he’d be lifting the tax levy on all pre-mixed alcoholic beveridges (which apparently are called, no shit… ‘Alcopops’… hmm, for a government so anti-binge drinking they sure do seem to know a lot about booze slang… curious). I mean I don’t really care about that, I need a passionfruit UDL like I need a colostomy bag emptied into my chocolate flavoured Yogo tublet (obscure 90’s snack reference FTW!!1!), but as Dennis Denuto says, “It’s the principal”. He also says “TRAY THREE? I’VE CLEARED TRAY THREE FIVE FUCKING TIMES!”
So the real question is… what to do about all this nonsense? Do we start a riot… instigating a new form of government which will fight for our right to party?
No. We take shitty songs and we replace the lyrics with somewhat funny ones that don’t really last the length of the original song (I get bored quickly).
For the full effect, check out the vid below and read the lyrics to the tune!
You elected Kevin Rudd,
And he wants to thank you thus
Now pre-mixed booze costs way too much for you
Those drink are way too dear now,
And it’s hard to get a beer now
Cos Brumby’s fucking your fun nights out too
(Angels: La lalala lalala lalala…)
No kicking on after birthdays for you
No sinking piss somewhere else after two
Well at least they could have taken time, to ask ‘Who will clean all this up?’
Instead of knee-jerk policies, that will only ruin good piss-ups…
Baby get moving (Baby get movin),
We’ll have to stay at this shit club til five,
There’s no point improving (Is it improving…)
When politicians love to drink and drive?
He shot some galliano, and chased it with a jager,
A few more beers, then behind the wheel, and he’s front page of the paper.
2am lockout (it’s such a cop-out),
Don’t forget that nightclub ‘Scores’
2am lockout (Rudd got his cock out)
At that tit bar in New York
Well it’s easy to say Brumby will be
Voted out next election,
But I’ve heard nothing from that fucker Ted,
So the system can suck my erection