Tag Archives: Song

How Our Parents Perceive Hip-Hop

“A Rap Song”
By Mum and Dad

1, 2, 3, 4!

(While enacting embarrassing “gang sign” hand movements)

A-Wiggedy wiggedy
A-Wiggedy wiggedy
A-Jiggedy wig wig
A-Wiggedy wig!

Well my name is James’s mum
And I’m here to say
I like the rap music
Every single day!

A-Wiggedy wiggedy
A-Wiggedy wiggedy
A-Jiggedy wig wig
A-Wiggedy wig!

My name is James’s dad
And I wish he’d move out
I like to rap
All the time!

A-Jiggedy-wig-wig

I’m the best rapster since Will Smith
I’m on the double-u dot com!
But how do I turn this thing off?

A-Wiggedy wiggedy
A-Wiggedy wiggedy
A-Jiggedy wig wig
A-Wiggedy woo

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If I Were a Girl

Beyonce’s song “If I Were a Boy” is getting a lot of airplay lately.
It’s a piece of shit moving song, full of heartfelt sentiment and other things I don’t care about.

But what would it be like if the table was turned on the other foot, so to speak?
Don’t think we guys haven’t thought about what it would be like to be a girl…

If I Were a Girl
(Lyrics by James © 2008)

If I were a girl
Even for just one day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
And look at myself naked for a while
Then get in the shower
And lather up my body
I’d strike sexy poses
And do various inappropriate things
Before I’ve even left the house

If I were a girl
I think I’d wear little clothing
And hit on other girls
As I walked down the street
They’d think I was a skank
Cos I’m wearing a g-string
And not too much else at all
As I walk into the lesbian bar
And order a round of beers

If I were a girl
I wouldn’t get over my boobs
I’d give them names
Like Fred and Wilma
And shove them in faces
For free shots of Tequila
Then find random girls to pash
And make a DVD
And sell it for millions of dollars

If I were a girl
I think I could understand
How it feels to be a lesbo
And reject sexing mans
I’d take all my knowledge
Gained from watching porn
Like techniques and positions (positions)
Yeh I got those editions (editions)
But I just read em for the articles

Oh God I was cursed with this penis
It was such a mistake
Think I want it back?
You can keep that hideous thing
I like my new vajay

Beyonce, you’re just a girl
You don’t understand (yeh you don’t understand)
How much guys would give to have
Some boobies all of their own
Just to play with every once in a while
Yeh you’ve taken them for granted
Oh they’re kind of annoying sometimes I know
But I love being a girl

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2am Lockout, or “How I Learned To Hate Everyone.”

I’M SO BLOODY FUCKING FREAKING FURIOUS!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!@

Okay, well I’m not that angry.

I’m just frustrated that this whole so-called ‘2am lockout‘ (doesn’t the phrase just scream “people friendly policy” right in your face?) will be enacted in Melbourne soon, and the only people getting a say in it haven’t experienced this city’s nightlife since Mo Rene was bringing the house down at the Tivoli Theatre…

Basically the law will be that any nightclub that lets in new patrons after 2am will be severely reprimanded yadda yadda yadda etc etc in the hopes of tackling our marvellous city’s spiralling assault epidemic.

Pictures in today’s Herald Sun did nothing to quell the issue.

CITY ERUPTSSSSS!! ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WORKING FAMILIES OF ‘STRAYA!!!!!
Honestly with a headline like that on the front page of your country’s highest selling paper you’d expect it to be the fucking Blitzkreig!
No shit folks, I saw the front page of the Herald Sun this morning, shat my pants, and promptly ran for the nearest door frame and stood in it with my hands braced against the sides like Krakatoa was busting a nut in my lounge room.

This latest novel idea to punish the majority for the idiocy of the (very) small minority, is even more frustrating as it comes days after K.Rudd, aka Kevin ’07, aka Kevin Frank Drebben, aka Kevin uhh.. Michael Bevan? (we get it, Kevin Rudd’s name can be used against him, get over it opinion-piece writers) announced he’d be lifting the tax levy on all pre-mixed alcoholic beveridges (which apparently are called, no shit… ‘Alcopops’… hmm, for a government so anti-binge drinking they sure do seem to know a lot about booze slang… curious). I mean I don’t really care about that, I need a passionfruit UDL like I need a colostomy bag emptied into my chocolate flavoured Yogo tublet (obscure 90’s snack reference FTW!!1!), but as Dennis Denuto says, “It’s the principal”. He also says “TRAY THREE? I’VE CLEARED TRAY THREE FIVE FUCKING TIMES!”

So the real question is… what to do about all this nonsense? Do we start a riot… instigating a new form of government which will fight for our right to party?

No. We take shitty songs and we replace the lyrics with somewhat funny ones that don’t really last the length of the original song (I get bored quickly).

For the full effect, check out the vid below and read the lyrics to the tune!

“2am Lockout”

You elected Kevin Rudd,
And he wants to thank you thus
Now pre-mixed booze costs way too much for you

Those drink are way too dear now,
And it’s hard to get a beer now
Cos Brumby’s fucking your fun nights out too

(Angels: La lalala lalala lalala…)

2am lockout,
No kicking on after birthdays for you
2am lockout,
No sinking piss somewhere else after two

Well at least they could have taken time, to ask ‘Who will clean all this up?’
Instead of knee-jerk policies, that will only ruin good piss-ups…

Baby get moving (Baby get movin),
We’ll have to stay at this shit club til five,
There’s no point improving (Is it improving…)
When politicians love to drink and drive?

He shot some galliano, and chased it with a jager,
A few more beers, then behind the wheel, and he’s front page of the paper.

2am lockout (it’s such a cop-out),
Don’t forget that nightclub ‘Scores’
2am lockout (Rudd got his cock out)
At that tit bar in New York

Well it’s easy to say Brumby will be
Voted out next election,
But I’ve heard nothing from that fucker Ted,
So the system can suck my erection

2am lockout.

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