How Voldemort Spends His Downtime

You’d think being He Who Must Not Be Named would be a tough gig, right?

Well, turns out being the Dark Lord is actually quite an easy gig with a helluva lot of down time!

Not only is it enough that You Know Who has his own loyal followers, power reserves that would make a WoW geek sweat with envy, and free reign to use the dreaded unforgivable curses…  but also, at the end of every novel, Harry simply heads home for holidays, leaving the magic world and, it would seem, all his Voldie-related problems behind until he returns for the next semesters’ classes…

Which begs the question… What does Voldemort (gasp!) get up to during all this down time?

Cycling.

Birdwatching.

Driving.

Christmas shopping.

Reading to young children.

Singing backup for Rose Tattoo.

Fun Fact: “I am Lord Voldermort” is the phrase you get when you re-arrange the letters from the lyrics to Lady Gaga’s “Lovegames”.

Poodle War 1, a Wikipedia Summary

Poodle War I (abbreviated PWI or PW1; also known as the First Poodle War, the Great Poodle War, and the War to End All Poodle Wars) was a global war fought chiefly in Doggie-Europe from 1914 to 1918.[2]

The scale and intensity of the conflict were unprecedented, with more Poodles fighting and more casualties in action than any prior Poodle conflict. About 70 million Poodles took part in the fighting,[3] including 60 million Europoodles.[4][5] New technologies – machine guns, better artillery, advanced logistics, poison gas, aerial warfare and silent whistles – increased the scale of the carnage. The war claimed over 40 million casualties, including approximately 20 million house-bound Poodles and military Poodles dead.[6] Many of the events attendant upon the war – blockade, revolution, genocide and a global plush toy shortage – increased the misery.

The war had sweeping consequences for Canine politics and diplomacy in the rest of the 20th century.

The war resulted in the collapse and fragmentation of the Austro-Hungarian Hound Empire, the Russian Spaniel Empire, and the Otterhound Empire. The German Shepherd Empire was overthrown, and subsequently lost terriers. As a consequence, the maps of Doggie-Europe and the Piddle East were re-drawn; ancient bone-archies were replaced by collie-unist or pembroke-atic re-face-licks. For the first time, an international body, the League of Dalmations, was created to prevent a Poodle-war ever occurring again. The terms of the treaties ending the war, and the instability of new nations, were important factors leading towards Poodle War II twenty years later.

Pictured: General Sir Doglas Haig

Bill Gates Turning Into Evil Villain

Microsoft owner Bill Gates today released a jar full of mosquitoes during a technology and design conference in California, doing nothing to quell recent reports of his gradual transition into a second-rate supervillain.

Gates alledgedly screamed “Not only poor people should experience this!”, before unleashing the swarm on the unsuspecting audience and subsequently disappearing in a cloud of purple smoke, laughing maniacally.

Gates’ wife Melinda has confirmed that Mr Gates has finally run out of constructive things to spend his vast fortune on.

MacGyver Reviews Products On eBay

Ken-Tool Tyre Wrench Set
$29.95

Wow, Ken-Tool really dropped the ball with this product.
They might as well accompany this tyre wrench with a warning label: “Attention! If you happen to be locked in the trunk of a Russian terrorists’ car with highly flammable gas leaking out of the fuel tank and a naked flame inching ever closer to the vehicle, do NOT use this product to try to wench the trunk open!!!”

I mean, this company expects our business, yet their products can’t handle a simple trunk-jimmy?

What, are we living in the dark ages, people?

2 stars.

Review by mac_daddy69

ACCO 100 pack Paper clips
$4.95

So, I was riding an armed nuclear missile that’s hurtling to earth like a supersonic bucking bronco, and long story short, the only way I could disarm this sucker was by using the end of a paper clip to poke the thingy next to the clock.

Done it a million times, never been a big issue…

So I get out my packet of ACCO Paper Clips, (which I never had a problem with before) stick the straightened out clip in, and what happens?

It breaks!

It breaks off in the freaking timing mechanism!

So I had to construct an electro-magnet out of a bolt, some copper wiring and a 9 volt battery just to get the end of the paper clip out of the circuit then fit a new (Officeworks brand) paper clip in to disarm the bomb and save an entire town.

No biggie. That’s fine. I’m not saying it’s ACCO’s fault that 10,000 people nearly died… just… no, screw it that’s exactly what I’m saying.

2.5 stars.

Review by mac_daddy69

Orbit White Sugar-free Gum
$1.50

I’m just gonna say, if you’re ever in a situation where you need to patch a leak in a large canister containing a particularly virulent strain of the ebola virus, you better not be chewing Orbit White Sugarfree Gum.

2 stars.

Review by mac_daddy69

Triple Strike Weed Killer
$22

Triple Strike weed killer is fine…

…if you want to see the lamest explosion of ALL TIME.

Seriously, this thing barely left a hideous scar on Murdoc’s face at all! I could have farted more firepower into him to be honest, and don’t worry, I’ve already written an angrily-worded letter to the people at Triple Strike.

If you want to create a REAL explosion, you’re best off sticking with Gordon’s Trimec weed killer.
if it’s good enough for Afghan terrorists, it’s damn well good enough for MacGyver! (me)

1 star.

Review by mac_daddy69

Victorinox Swiss Army Knife
$32.99

Anyway, in my line of work I use Swiss Army Knives a lot.
Like, it’s kinda my thing.
If I don’t have a reliable Swiss Army Knife, I’m pretty much F to the UCKED.

I like this model Swiss Army Knife very much. It’s sturdy, reliable, and fits snugly in my anus in case terrorists are frisking me and I need to hide it somewhere.

However…

Note to manufacturer, Victorinox: Have you thought about adding a duct tape dispenser to the knife’s already amazing repetoir?
It’s just that, it’d save me a hell of a lot of time.
I mean, it would save me a lot of trouble right now anyway…
I’m tied up in a dungeon and am typing this review on a computer I created out of an elastic band and an old sardine tin.

4.5 stars.

Review by mac_daddy69

Some Poems

My Girlfriend
I really love my girlfriend
I think of her all day
But it shits me when she hits me
In that playful way
So I filed a law suit against her for assault
The trial starts Monday

Keith, The Sedimentary Rock With Clinical Depression
Down the beaten path
Under a big leaf
Lives a sedimentary rock
Who goes by the name of Keith
Outwardly Keith wore a smile
But inside he was a mess
Keith was the only rock he knew
That was clinically depressed
It hard to find a councillor
Who’ll listen to a stone
No appointment could be made for Keith
Cos he can’t pick up a phone
Had no friends in whom to confide
He did not have a lot
This may be the reason Keith
Has started smoking pot

Monopoly
Here we are just me and you
We got nothing else to do
Monopoly! We’ll see this through

It’s been so long since I have played
Ignore the rulebook, it’s okay
I’m the thimble, you’re the train

We start at Go and watch in glee
Look at that, I rolled a three
Score Whitechapel property!

I rolled a seven, cruise the streets
Just visiting the local clink
Monopoly is fully sick!

Northumberland is all for you
Who needs that shitty avenue
Electric Co. earned from my two

Community chest what a wank
Don’t take the money I’m the bank!
Fine, just take it anyway

I’m brooding now, I roll a five
I hit the chest, so now’s my time!
This thing says I should pay a fine…

Well, what for? It doesn’t say
That makes no sense so I won’t pay
You take my fine and call me gay

Your properties are looking vast
I roll a five and land on chance
Now it says I’m “drunk in charge”

The boardgame gods must hate my guts
I just can’t score an ounce of luck
I yell out loud “This game is fucked!”

I grab a fist of red hotels
And throw them down into the ground
You tell me calmly to sit down

I sit and roll and promptly fail
Because I land on “Go to Jail”
My wad of cash is looking frail

I’m finally out after three rolls
But get caught trespassing on your hotels
I flip the board into the wall

Fuck the game Monopoly
It always gets the best of me
I’m pushed until the nth degree

So sitting here, nothing to do
I should not have played that game with you
Next time we’ll just play Guess Who

Another Life For Sale

LIFE FOR SALE!!!

Hi, my name’s Darth!

Due to various lifestyle changes I am experiencing lately, I’ve decided to sell all [that’s right, ALL!] my Hothly possessions here on eBay!

This is an amazing offer, and one that should be considered very seriously!

This sale includes:

• House
• Material Possessions
• Vehicles
• Job

I know, I know… I bet you think I’m crazier than a Kowakian monkey-lizard on crack [LOLZ], but hear me out!

First, the back story…

I’m pretty much a widely-feared, cybernetic Dark Lord of the Sith, with no mercy.
I collaborate with the evil Emperor who controls the entire universe, and as such, I lived in this super-sick Battlestation for a while.
Life was pretty good, until my place was attacked by a rebel alliance hell-bent on destroying the Empire, and re-instating a galactic republic [aint that always the way?].
My home was completely destroyed, but for the past few years I’ve been creating a bigger and even more super-dangerous home. It’s taking forever to build, and just looking at the place being unfinished for so long is kinda getting me down.

Anyways, that, combined with the fact that my bitch wife left me and took the kids, is the basic reason why I’m selling everything and not looking back!

After selling everything I plan to walk away with just my wallet and galactic passport and explore the universe! I’m thinking of maybe starting with a Contiki tour around the outer-rim… I hear those things are sex-fests!

So what am I selling?

Well let’s begin with the the obvs…

My Battlestation is pretty much the most valuable part of the whole deal.
Still under construction, and at a planned 900 kilometres wide, this baby is pretty much going to be the most prime piece of real-estate in the galaxy.
Dubbed the Death Star [you may have heard of it?], it’s spacious and comfortable, and over time I’m sure you’ll find it gets to be less of a weapon of unimaginable destruction, and more of a home.

Also, I will be paying for the construction of the rest of this Death Star, so the winning bidder wont have to worry about that. [I kinda have powers of the force, and use them to tell the construction company I’ve paid them, even when I haven’t! Keep that shit on the down-low tho, LOL!]

Some features of the Death Star include:

• 145,000 single living quarters
• 86,780 toilets
• 3-Fleet garage
• 1 Master bedroom with walk-in robe and ensuite
• 1 Superlaser with ability to pretty much turn any planet into Bantha-fodder.
• Emperor’s Throne Room [does not come with Emperor 🙂 ]
• Meditation Chamber
• Pool room
• Ducted heating

As well as the Death Star, the winning bidder will receive all my material belongings contained within.
Just some of the things I own, and you will receive include:

• 4 rad Lightsabers [One of which doesn’t really work, but still looks pretty ace.]
• A Playstation 3, as well as 8 original titles
• A fondue set
• Brand new three-piece lounge suite
• My whole CD [Burt Baccarat, Creedence] and DVD [Shawshank, Creedence Live 1970] collection
• All my clothes [Mostly black cybernetic armor-suits, and a pair of transparent platform shoes]
• Various S&M paraphernalia
• A Dell desktop PC with Norton Antivirus and Linksys router
• Foxtel IQ
• A random collection of protocol droids with homosexual tendencies
• A crew of 300,000 men
• Fender Squire electric guitar [I took lessons but I’m not very good LOL]

I also have various vehicles. As well as the fleet of destroyers, battleships, fighters, walkers, speeders etc that are included, you also receive my personal TIE Advanced Fighter. It includes modifications such as new speaker set and sub woofer, as well as sick blue LEDs under the headlights… so pimp.
You’ll also get my bicycle.

As well as all my possessions, the winning bidder will receive my job.
Obviously as a Dark Lord of the Sith, I can not offer you my day job, as there are very strict prerequisites to abide by, and I’m pretty much the only person in the universe who fulfills all of them.
However, on top of my sinister day job, I also work in the sound and vision department at the Death Star Kmart 3 nights a week, and if need be, I can talk to my manager, Chris, and organise casual employment there for the winning bidder.
On second-thoughts I’ll just use Sith mind-tricks.

Well, that pretty much sums it up.
I will be starting the bidding at 1 galactic credit, but am hoping for a winning bid of around 500,000,000,000,000 galactic credits.
As I said, this is an insanely sweet deal, and you’d have to be a smelly Ewok not to look into it!

For further info go to http://www.darthslife4sale.com

Search-Engine Terms

Okay, so I’m blatantly stealing this idea from ninjapirate.com, (I think… correct me if I’m wrong, or not) who documents a lot of fucked up fucking shit that people type into search engines when they come across his site, but This Is Modern hasn’t been around for long, and I’m already getting a few crazy search engine terms myself.

The following is a list of just some of the real search engine terms used when finding my site, according to the wordpress blog-stat thing, from most common to least common.

• retard [ I used an image with the filename ‘retard’. This has garnered me a shitload of hits. I’d recommend any bloggers out there to insert a picture with the name ‘retard spastic mongoloid’ for maximum effect. Just by typing this sentence I’ve guaranteed myself an extra 150 hits this hour. ]
• neil entwistle [Obviously getting his news from the reliable sources. ]
  
• retard running
• “salam cafe” [ I wrote that phrase once, yet I keep getting hits from it. ]
  
• opinion pieces 2am nightclub lockout
• big retard
• all purpose tv
• purpose tv
• the effects on 2 am lockout
• retarded dwarf with shit [ I don’t know precisely what this person was searching for, but I wager they didn’t find it here. ]
• 2am lockout opinion piece
• 2am lockout blog
• pwnd retard [ Well I know at least one geek besides me has visted This Is Modern. ]
  
• entwistle googled
• 2am lockout, herald sun
• shitting girlfriend [ Some clueless bastard wanted to see his girlfriend shitting, so he typed it into Google in the off-chance someone out there filmed it and posted it on the internet. Is there a market for this stuff? Maybe I should post more footage of girls shitting… ]
• geekish names
• retard fight [ Right on. Unfortunately I don’t have what you want, guy. ]
  
• melbourne 2 am lockout herald sun
• kate-bush [ You have fantastic taste, sir or madame, but I’m guessing madame. ]
  
• 2am lockout opinion pieces
• retarded midget [ Ouch… really? ]
• “i wish” “kate bush”
• modern rich boys’ names [ Wesley ]
  
• 2 am lockout- opinion articles
• reasons why the 2am lockout is bad [ Uhhhh… let me give you a dozen to start off with. ]
  
• modern boy name started with sa
• retard tiny head [ Hahahahaha Oh my GOD this is my demographic? ]
  
• retard face
• alco tax
• june 2, herald sun, 2 am lockout
• retard mongos
  
• opinion piece 2am nightclub lockout
  
• ian hewitson messy cook [ I agree, but I still can’t believe someone searched that… ]

Culture Cringe

Uh, this is awkward…

Okay, here goes…

I… am un-Australian.

And no amount of footy-watching, Holden-admiring, four’n’twenty-eating, boogie-boarding, ‘gidday-mawt’ing or binge-drinking is going to change it.

That’s right, a problem even excessive consumption of alcohol can’t remedy…

You see, I have a very specific form of culture-cringe… shameful, yes, but it is one that you will not even find in a particularly venomous Germaine Greer opinion article, no matter how hard you look.

No, this type of culture-cringe appears through the internet, manifesting itself while you’re online, mainly while reading Youtube comments…

Let me explain.

I’m not so sure, but I think I must be the only person in this country that isn’t ridiculously excited to see home-grown, fly-on-the-wall comedy Kath and Kim re-made as an American series.

And it’s not that I dislike the original series.
On the contrary, I think it’s very funny, particulary as I have family who live in Narre Warren (the real-life Fountain Lakes) and are just 2 minutes drive from Fountain Gate shopping centre.

Although the movie-length ‘Da Kath and Kim Code‘ was a bit of a shambles (not least for the uninspiring performance of The Wiggles in a cameo role), the show is comedically strong, which you could say is somewhat of an anomoly in Australian television comedy, and the characters are well developed.
Of course, Gina Riley and Jane Turner have always been very funny writer/performers in their own right.

No, the reason I do not want to see Kath and Kim re-made as an American series is more to do with parochial Australian television viewers who insist on visiting Youtube, then leaving comments about how AUSSIES ARE FUKEN AWSUM SO MUCH BETTR THAN AMERICANS WHERE THJE BEST!!1

Still don’t understand what I’m talking about?

Go to Youtube and watch some clips of the Australian and American versions of Thank God You’re Here.
The amount of my fellow countrymen leaving comments about how our version of TGYH was so much superior to the American one, and how Americans are thieves for stealing OUR TV show (as if these dickheads were the ones that came up with the premise of the show themselves), just makes me want to club someone over the head with a heavy Peter Russel Clarke cookbook.

And I just KNOW it’s going to happen all over again once Molly Shannon and Selma Blair transform themselves into the Seppo Kath and Kim respectively.

Never once does it occur in these people’s minds that pretty much everything we see on Australian television has been developed by the US and then used by us.

What, do you think Peter Hitchener came up with the idea for a news desk? No. Nothing is original except perhaps the content. And when Australian content does get presented to the world, morons of various descriptions act like it’s the best thing ever thought-up and proceed to aggressively glorify it, while putting down achievements of others. And it shits me to tears.

Yes, I cringe for my country when some obviously brain-damaged individual thinks he can win an online argument about whether Australian Rules Football or American Football is tougher with arguments such as “AFL is our game fagetsbest fuckin game in the world.sic song as well” (real quote).

Yes, I cringe when people from Australia use footage of Borat visiting Australia as a forum to discuss why Australia is the bestest country in the world, and nowhere else is worth even shitting on…
Uh… it’s a video about fucking Borat! Why on earth are you arguing about countries comparitive GDP here???

And as production wraps up on the Melbourne set of the American-funded, HBO mini-series, The Pacific, follow-up to the critically acclaimed (and brilliant) Band of Brothers, I am once again torn between pride in my country, with the apparent portrayal of Australian soldiers and civilians in wartime Melbourne, and the inevitable shamefest that will follow when I stumble across footage of the series on Youtube, above comments from some of our nations finest minds, letting everyone know that AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE! SOLDIER DIGGERS PWND THE WAR, WOT WAR IS THIS?? LOL. FUCK AMERICA WE SAVED THEM FROM THE DUTCH1!!

So on the one hand I am glad original content from my country is getting the recognition it deserves, we really do produce some outstanding talent in the arts, television, music, sport, etc… but I just hope this US version of Kath and Kim is the funniest thing ever put on TV, or there are going to be a lot of needlessly patriotic idiots shitting on about it everywhere, and call me un-Australian, but I’m afraid I just don’t care enough about that sort of stuff to get riled up about it.

“OMG I can’t believe you think the US version of The Office is better!”