Tag Archives: Freaks

Johnny’s Playing John… But Can He Play John?

He was one of the most notorious criminals of the 20th century.

John Dillinger rode a wave of notoriety throughout the early 1930’s by robbing banks, killing police officers in cold blood and returning library books well past the due date with not even an apology.

It is only fitting then, that one of the most accomplished actors of our time, Johnny Depp, will be playing him in the upcoming biopic about the ruthless killer, Public Enemies.

The one flaw in the casting it would seem though, is that Depp looks absolutely nothing like his depression-era counterpart.

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Where Dillinger had a high forehead, receding hairline, small porcine ears, thin lips and cleft chin… Depp counters these physical features by being, well, stunningly beautiful.

johnny

It is becoming increasingly clear that Depp, delving deep into ever deeper depths every year, is forever searching for the meaty roles offered to an accomplished actor of his ilk.

Which brings us to John Allen Muhammad.

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Muhammed, speaking from Sussex County, Virginia, where he is being kept on death row for the murder of up to 17 people in 2002, has expressed his interest in being played by Johnny Depp in a film about his life.

While  Muhammed has been told of the effectiveness of modern film make-up techniques in transforming human features, he has gone as far as saying he would considering undergoing a facial re-construction to look more like Depp if that would secure the Hollywood stars acting prowess.

“I seen Johnny in all his movies.” Muhammed explains enthusiastically from his dank jail cell.

“I mean if he can play Dillinger, George Jung, J.M. Barrie… yo I seen that J.M. Barrie… motherfucker had a moustache! Depp aint never had no moustache!… Surely he can play me!”

While Muhammed languishes in his cell, imminent death hovering over his head like a halo, only an evil halo that breathes acid from it’s eyes, we pose Depp the possibilty of playing the slippery sniper on the silver screen.

“Well, that would be a tough one,” Depp says of the role.

“I mean he is a criminal… so I suppose I could play him. I do enjoy playing people on that particular side of the law. And I mean, if he’s willing to undergo a procedure to look more like me that would certainly help.”

With the Muhammed-penned script, complete with barely-there premise, jumpy narrative, and aggressive overtones of pro-Taliban rhetoric gathering hype in Hollywood circles as a potential indie sleeper hit, Tinsel-town players are keeping an ear out regarding big-name actors considering being attatched the key roles.

“Well, without giving too much away, there are a few main characters that are key to the success of the story.” Explains Muhammed.

“Of course there is the main character, me; also my accomplice Lee Boyd Malvo; the elven princess who sent me on my quest, Lady Fallangey; and of course the Rabbit Overlord of the Canadian Black Rebel Nation. This shit is deep.”

When pressed on his view of the potential of casting an actor like Depp into the lead role, an un-named Hollywood producer expresses doubt in the actor’s ability to pull off the part of John Allen Muhammed.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Johnny, I think he’s great. But for obvious reasons I just don’t see him being able to convincingly play John Allen Muhammed, I’m sorry.”

“It’s quite obvious that Johnny’s time as an indie darling is past him. We have to look at young fresh actors to play Muhammed. Actors like Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Kieren Culkin… these are actors I see immersing themselves in this man’s life.”

It seems that whatever your view, this nearly-mentally-retarded-killer/visionary’s life is sure to attract a lot of attention over the coming months.

“Yo I haven’t actually seen all of Johnny’s movies. They won’t let me watch Edward Scissorhand… I can’t see scissors or I get angry, dog.”

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Money, Money, Money (Must Be Funny)

Money is like a hideously deformed albino dwarf.

I don’t like thinking about it, but I feel at ease knowing it’s hidden in a sock under my bed for when I need it.

I don’t like discussing my financial situation in front of friends. It’s a personal subject and talking about my own money makes me feel slightly uneasy, which is why I instead insist on flagrantly displaying wads of it in front of their faces, and sometimes lighting cigars with it, thereby avoiding the need to talk about it directly.

Unlike a growing number of people around the world, I have a relatively steady job. (And no, as popular as this blog is, it’s not as a professional blogger! *Chuckles to self while puffing from corncob pipe.*

I often wonder to myself what lengths I would go to for money, offering myself likely hypotheticals such as…

  • Would I eat piece of dog shit for a million dollars?
  • Would I chop my own arm off for 100 million dollars?
  • Would I give my dad a blow job and eat my own shit for a billion dollars?

Most of the time I find myself completely disregarding the money and flat out rejecting the absurd scenarios playing out in my mind (although a billion dollars is a lot of money… hmm) .
Besides, I quickly lose interest because I can not understand why someone would want to pay me so much to do such hideous things…

Don’t get me wrong, I love to buy stuff.  I’m completely materialistic and just enjoy having things. It’s fantastic. But I go by the old addage, “work to live, don’t live to work”, which, in a lot of ways is similar to my previous motto, “DOLLA DOLLA BILLZ YO”.

This may be the reason I enjoy watching VH1’s I Love Money so damn much.

The contestants are straight up vile people. They’re stupid. They’re obnoxious. They have ridiculous names like ‘Real’, ‘Toastee’, and ‘Midget Mac’.

But therein lies the appeal. I could watch Whiteboy abuse Mr Boston for hours and still be completely besotted by the whole thing. It’s pure entertainment. I never miss it. In fact I wanna watch it right now!

I can’t stand most reality television shows.
But I Love Money is just so. fucking. trashy.

We get to witness heinous people who in every day life we would probably hate with a passion, embarrass themselves week after week in the name of $200,000. It’s genius.

One of the best aspects of the whole show is the host, CJ, who clearly harbours a burning resentment for each and every one of the contestants, but hides it behind a cool, calm, distinctly urban veneer.

So watch I Love Money.
And if you live somehwhere where the first series is already over, be sure to check out VH1’s next trashy offering… RuPaul Drag Race 2! Should be a hoot!

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How To Get A Girlfriend

So I was hanging around the lingerie department of Target today, just minding my own business for about 4 hours, when it suddenly dawned on me…

I am such a ladies man!

How many dudes do you know that actually devote a substantial part of their weekday afternoons to appreciating female undergarments?

Well, if the looks I get at Target are anything to go by, it’s not a commonplace thing.

So as a massive favour to any desperadoes out there in need of some pointers, I’ve decided to apply my expertise in the world of dating, to write my very own self-help guide…

So without further ado, here is my definitive guide on acquiring yourself a shiny new ladyfriend to love and treasure and etc…

STEP ONE:

Okay, so you’ve decided you want to throw out your pornos/blowup doll/fleshlight and get a real life human girlfriend.

That’s great and all, but there’s still the matter of meeting a girl you want to actually date. But in order to get a girl, you’re going to have to THINK and ACT like a girl.

When I say think and act like a girl, I’m not suggesting anything too extreme.

Some examples I have in mind might include going to the feminine hygiene aisle at Safeway and checking out the products available, or watching Twilight then joining an Edward Cullen Facebook group.

You may also like to wear perfume and pantyhose,  go to chat rooms pretending to be a girl and saying dirty things to random men, then arrange to meet them then stand them up… just to get yourself in the correct mindset.

What you choose to do is totally up to you, but it is a vital step.

STEP TWO:

Once you think you’ve got a good grasp on what being a lady is all about, get changed back into your male clothing and head to a pick-up joint.

Lots of men go to bars and nightclubs to meet women. While these places are acceptable, I find the best place to find women is a place you absolutely know they are going to be… their houses.

If you see a woman you think you’d like to have familiar relations with, simply follow them back to their house. Then hang around outside for a while. When they leave again, break into their house and rummage through their belongings, being sure to wear their clothes and jewelery and maybe even take a short nap in their bed.

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Doing this will give you a greater understanding of what they’re like. If you find you don’t share any common interests with the woman, simply scrawl a threatening note on their bathroom mirror and leave. If, however, you find the woman interesting, it’s time to move onto step 3…

STEP THREE:

Once you have acquired the relevant information on your woman of choice, (address, phone number, credit details, name of husband, etc) it is now time to gain her attention.

Firing a weapon in a crowded area tends to work, but if you prefer a subtler method, why not pose as a computer repair man at her office, and while her back is turned, sniff her hair.

When she asks you what the fuck you’re doing, simply ramble incoherently about your feelings and how everyone around you is out to get you and your mother is a brain-dead moron who never really loved you.

This is sure to get you on her good side!

…AND THE REST IS UP TO YOU!

By now she won’t be able to get you off her mind, and you’ll dominate every waking hour of her existence. If she changes her name or address, don’t worry, it’s all part of the falling in love process, and one day she’ll realize it was you she wanted all along.

Just make sure you keep a lock of her hair in case she never returns.

GOOD LUCK!

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Homeless Man Offers Hero Pilot ‘Double the Pay’ To Work For Him

Crazy homeless man, Fred Grossman, has made an irresistible job offer to the “hero” pilot of a US Airways plane that landed in New York’s Hudson River last month.

Mr Grossman, a hobo who believes himself to be a Richard Branson-esque entrepreneurial airline and record label owner, said he would spare no expense to poach pilot Chesley Sullenberger, whose breathtaking landing into the Hudson River saved the lives of 150 passengers.

“I’d like him to come fly for us,” Mr Grossman told New York’s Daily News from his makeshift cardboard box home. “We’ll make him the best-paid pilot at Fred Grossman Airlines – we’ll give him double the salary of anybody else.

“He also can become one of the astronauts in my intergalactic spaceship company.”

Mr Sullenberger, 58, hasn’t ruled out moving from US Airways to Mr Grossman’s completely make-believe company, a delusion of Grossman’s, no doubt caused by acute psychiatric problems stemming from years of trauma and heavy substance abuse, “I will be happy to entertain all the things that are coming my way,” he said.

Mr Sullenberger was hailed as a hero after safely landing the passenger jet he was flying, which suffered a double engine failure after taking off from La Guardia airport in New York last month.

Mr Grossman is known to yell vulgarities at strangers, and smoke copious amounts of crack cocaine.

Added Mr Grossman, a putrid smell emanating from his filthy tattered clothing: “If he overcomes the killer dinosaurs, I’ll let him release an album on my record label!”

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Definitive Indie Quiz

I posted this as a Myspace bulletin, back before Myspace was mainstream, not to mention before indie was mainstream… sell-outs.

How Indie are you?

If you answer yes to any of these questions give yourself 5 points…

( ) Were you the first person you know to hear “Last Nite” by The Strokes?

( ) Were you the first person you know to hear “Evil” by Interpol?

( ) Were you the first person you know to hear “Lazy Eye” by the Silver Sun Pickups?

( ) Were you the first person you know to hear “Naïve” by the Kooks?

( ) Were you the first person to hear any Kooks song ever?

( ) Did you know about the Kooks before they formed?

( ) Did you invent skinny jeans?

( ) Were you the first person you know to see Garden State?

( ) Zach Braff’s myspace is your homepage.

( ) Were you the first person you know to wear a scarf at a club even when it’s not cold outside?

( ) Streetparty!…. Did you just have an orgasm when you read that word?

( ) Do you believe a cardigan is a way of life?

( ) Are you so indie you’re actually massively corporate?

( ) Did you know the dinosaurs would become extinct before it happened?

( ) Did you start the trend of dinosaurs wearing Chuck Taylor All-Stars?

( ) Fuck the dinosaurs they sold out when they made a comeback 365 million years after they were supposedly dead. Fucking suits. Agree?

( ) Did you invent music?

( ) Are you the only truely Indie person in the world?

If you didn’t answer ‘yes’ to every single one of those questions you are not truely indie, so go suck on one you corporate sell-out super-suit fucking poseur.

If you did answer ‘yes’ to all of them… you’re not indie, because I already answered yes to them all first. Sell-out.

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The Olympic Dream: Andrew Gack

Well it’s been an eventful opening to the Olympics, especially with what has gone on with the swimmers just in the past 24 hours.
We join Bruce McAvaney and Duncan Armstrong at the aquatic center for the final of the mens 100.

*Aquatic Center*

Bruce McAvaney: Welcome back to the Beijing Olympic aquatic center. And it’s now finally time for the race that has been all over the news these past few days, the mens 100 metre freestyle final.

Duncan Armstrong: Yeh that’s right Bruce. As we all know by now, a most unfortunate event occurred yesterday, in which almost all of the swimmers from nearly all of the competing nations contracted selmonella from a bad batch of Gatorade. Mandarin flavour I believe.

Bruce: Yes, but one Cinderella story has emerged from the whole tragic event, and that is the remarkable call-up of Andrew Gack, the largely-unknown, fifteen-year-old swimming prodigy from Mildura, to the big race.

Duncan: It is a wonderful story Bruce. Yes, the Olympic committee ruled that due to the events of yesterday, each country with a sick competitor was able to replace them with a healthy member of their squad, and since Gack was the only member of the Aussie team not doubled-over puking into a toilet, he has been put on the starting block to represent his country.

Bruce: It must be a special moment for the young fella.

Duncan: My word, Bruce. Although there has been some talk of Andrew not being in the best physical shape for this event. In fact the selectors were deliberating whether or not to field an Aussie competitor at all.

Bruce: Well he does tip the scales at a hefty 104kg Duncan, but his mother re-assured the Olympic team that he was a “nice young man”, and that the Australian selectors simply did not see his “lovely personality”. And, well, it seems the selectors took a chance with the pugnacious schoolboy.

Duncan: That, coupled with the fact that he suffers debilitating asthma attacks and water sometimes gets up his nose if he goes too deep, were big concerns to the Aussie contingent.

Bruce: Well here come the swimmers now, heading towards their starting blocks. And here we see young Andrew Gack, the nuggety youngster waddling to his position.

Duncan: He certainly is a sight to see, Bruce. Noticibly, Andrew has chosen not to wear the Speedo Fastskin Pro Lazr swimsuit for this event.

Bruce: Yes, Andrew is somewhat of an old-school competitor, in that he feels more comfortable wearing his everyday swimwear while racing. Though I daresay he may be the first Olympic competitor to ever swim in a pair of black boardshorts and a beige “Hot Tuna” T-Shirt. He’s also playing it sun-smart, wearing a cap with a flap on the back of it, with what appears to be his school logo on the front. Good to see from the chubby Victorian.

Duncan: And you can see there Andrew has definately been training outdoors for this event, as he seems to have more freckles scattered over his pale, near-translucent skin than usual, although his mother tells us that one day they’ll all join up and he’ll have an awesome tan that all the cool kids will be jealous of.

Bruce: The swimmers head towards their blocks now. Andrew seems to be having some trouble getting onto his starting block, but a couple of Chinese volunteers get under the chunky youngster, and heave him upwards with their backs. It looks like a tremendous strain, but they finally get him up there.

Duncan: Yes, it’s definately a good effort there from the volunteers. Those ladies should be commended.

Bruce: The swimmers brace themselves for the race.

*Race begins*

Duncan: And they’re off! USA and South African competitors get off to a good start.

Bruce: We see there that Gack didn’t quite get the start he would have been after.

Duncan: No he’s quite a way behind already. He went with the somewhat unorthodox entry technique of the uncontrolled pin-drop.

Bruce: Yes, he jumped in feet first, holding his nose with his fingers, with only the slightest bit of forward momentum. Not nearly enough to make a real transition into his stroke.

Duncan: Speaking of his stroke, we’re used to seeing swimming competitors going with the “crawl” technique in freestyle events, but it seems Andrew is using a more obscure style here. What do you think of this choice, Bruce?

Bruce: I’m not sure if it’s going to pay off for the morbidly-obese wunderkind at all, Duncan. This doggy-paddle/breaststroke hybrid seems a very slow way of getting an edge on his fellow swimmers.

Duncan: That baggy T-Shirt is creating quite a bit of drag, too. There appears to be some air stuck underneath it, and it’s floating upwards into his face. This is a very strange medal attempt here from Gack.

Bruce: Yes, it seems that he doesn’t quite want to get his face wet. He’s struggling to keep his mouth above the surface in a vain attempt to not have to hold his breath for any part of the race. But surely he’s going to have to submerse his face at some point.

Duncan: He probably doesn’t want the blue zinc-cream on his cheeks to wash off either, Bruce.
Well, the other competitors have swum back past Andrew, who has only swum roughly three metres, and is now grabbing onto the lane rope, out of breath. Considering He hasn’t yet gone underwater, that’s a tremendous amount of moisture on his face, Bruce.

Bruce: China first, USA second, and The Netherlands come in third. China’s swimmer just missing out on an Olympic record, there.

Duncan: Great swim there from the Chinese competitor, a somewhat polar-opposite result to Australia’s Andrew Gack.  Who garners himself a disappointing DNF, as a team of volunteers attempt to pull him out of the pool using a series of large sticks and nets.

Bruce: One can’t help but wonder if the results might have be any different had the gelatinous meat-bag been in a Speedo Fastskin Pro Lazr.

Duncan: Questions will be asked, Bruce.

Kids the world over immitate the “Gack-look”.

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Experimental Jazz and Death Metal… More Alike Than Once Thought?

I’ve come to the conclusion that Experimental Jazz and Death Metal music are pretty much the same thing. Well, obviously one is louder, faster, more aggressive, and contains more references to slashing and maiming than the other, but the general idea behind both forms of music are generally pretty similar.

For example…

  • Both types of music are dismissed as irritating background noise from an uninitiated listener, until, on further examination, they realise it’s actually just irritating music.
  • Experimental Jazz and Death Metal are both completely devoid of vocal harmonies. In the case that vocals are needed, they are achieved a few ways. From the making of random low-pitched noises (sultry “Yeh’s” or brooding growls), to horrifyingly loud, completely annoying noises (shouty “YEH’s” or over-the-top RRRRAAWWWHGHGHHHHH!!!!’s)
  • When someone doesn’t “get” their favoured music, an Experimental Jazz/Death Metal fan will always defend it by saying “you just don’t know how to listen to it”, or “it’s above your head”.
  • Both forms of music are played, and listened to, purely for the self-satisfaction devotees receive when they mention a band or artist they like, and the person they’re conversing with doesn’t have a clue what they’re talking about.
  • Both genres are awful.

Look at the picture on the bottom…
I mean, shave the blonde dude’s head, give the asian guy a spiky leather jumpsuit and make the chick an evil-looking, bearded Nordic man, and you practically have a death metal band here!

What would they be called?

Jazz Faeces perhaps?

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