Monthly Archives: August 2008

Some Poems

My Girlfriend
I really love my girlfriend
I think of her all day
But it shits me when she hits me
In that playful way
So I filed a law suit against her for assault
The trial starts Monday

Keith, The Sedimentary Rock With Clinical Depression

Down the beaten path
Under a big leaf
Lives a sedimentary rock
Who goes by the name of Keith
Outwardly Keith wore a smile
But inside he was a mess
Keith was the only rock he knew
That was clinically depressed
It hard to find a councillor
Who’ll listen to a stone
No appointment could be made for Keith
Cos he can’t pick up a phone
Had no friends in whom to confide
He did not have a lot
This may be the reason Keith
Has started smoking pot

Here we are just me and you
We got nothing else to do
Monopoly! We’ll see this through

It’s been so long since I have played
Ignore the rulebook, it’s okay
I’m the thimble, you’re the train

We start at Go and watch in glee
Look at that, I rolled a three
Score Whitechapel property!

I rolled a seven, cruise the streets
Just visiting the local clink
Monopoly is fully sick!

Northumberland is all for you
Who needs that shitty avenue
Electric Co. earned from my two

Community chest what a wank
Don’t take the money I’m the bank!
Fine, just take it anyway

I’m brooding now, I roll a five
I hit the chest, so now’s my time!
This thing says I should pay a fine…

Well, what for? It doesn’t say
That makes no sense so I won’t pay
You take my fine and call me gay

Your properties are looking vast
I roll a five and land on chance
Now it says I’m “drunk in charge”

The boardgame gods must hate my guts
I just can’t score an ounce of luck
I yell out loud “This game is fucked!”

I grab a fist of red hotels
And throw them down into the ground
You tell me calmly to sit down

I sit and roll and promptly fail
Because I land on “Go to Jail”
My wad of cash is looking frail

I’m finally out after three rolls
But get caught trespassing on your hotels
I flip the board into the wall

Fuck the game Monopoly
It always gets the best of me
I’m pushed until the nth degree

So sitting here, nothing to do
I should not have played that game with you
Next time we’ll just play Guess Who


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Seperated At Birth???

On the left, police brutality victim Rodney King. On the right, Heroes alum and soon-to-be-unsuccessful recording artist Hayden Panettiere.

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The Olympic Dream: Andrew Gack

Well it’s been an eventful opening to the Olympics, especially with what has gone on with the swimmers just in the past 24 hours.
We join Bruce McAvaney and Duncan Armstrong at the aquatic center for the final of the mens 100.

*Aquatic Center*

Bruce McAvaney: Welcome back to the Beijing Olympic aquatic center. And it’s now finally time for the race that has been all over the news these past few days, the mens 100 metre freestyle final.

Duncan Armstrong: Yeh that’s right Bruce. As we all know by now, a most unfortunate event occurred yesterday, in which almost all of the swimmers from nearly all of the competing nations contracted selmonella from a bad batch of Gatorade. Mandarin flavour I believe.

Bruce: Yes, but one Cinderella story has emerged from the whole tragic event, and that is the remarkable call-up of Andrew Gack, the largely-unknown, fifteen-year-old swimming prodigy from Mildura, to the big race.

Duncan: It is a wonderful story Bruce. Yes, the Olympic committee ruled that due to the events of yesterday, each country with a sick competitor was able to replace them with a healthy member of their squad, and since Gack was the only member of the Aussie team not doubled-over puking into a toilet, he has been put on the starting block to represent his country.

Bruce: It must be a special moment for the young fella.

Duncan: My word, Bruce. Although there has been some talk of Andrew not being in the best physical shape for this event. In fact the selectors were deliberating whether or not to field an Aussie competitor at all.

Bruce: Well he does tip the scales at a hefty 104kg Duncan, but his mother re-assured the Olympic team that he was a “nice young man”, and that the Australian selectors simply did not see his “lovely personality”. And, well, it seems the selectors took a chance with the pugnacious schoolboy.

Duncan: That, coupled with the fact that he suffers debilitating asthma attacks and water sometimes gets up his nose if he goes too deep, were big concerns to the Aussie contingent.

Bruce: Well here come the swimmers now, heading towards their starting blocks. And here we see young Andrew Gack, the nuggety youngster waddling to his position.

Duncan: He certainly is a sight to see, Bruce. Noticibly, Andrew has chosen not to wear the Speedo Fastskin Pro Lazr swimsuit for this event.

Bruce: Yes, Andrew is somewhat of an old-school competitor, in that he feels more comfortable wearing his everyday swimwear while racing. Though I daresay he may be the first Olympic competitor to ever swim in a pair of black boardshorts and a beige “Hot Tuna” T-Shirt. He’s also playing it sun-smart, wearing a cap with a flap on the back of it, with what appears to be his school logo on the front. Good to see from the chubby Victorian.

Duncan: And you can see there Andrew has definately been training outdoors for this event, as he seems to have more freckles scattered over his pale, near-translucent skin than usual, although his mother tells us that one day they’ll all join up and he’ll have an awesome tan that all the cool kids will be jealous of.

Bruce: The swimmers head towards their blocks now. Andrew seems to be having some trouble getting onto his starting block, but a couple of Chinese volunteers get under the chunky youngster, and heave him upwards with their backs. It looks like a tremendous strain, but they finally get him up there.

Duncan: Yes, it’s definately a good effort there from the volunteers. Those ladies should be commended.

Bruce: The swimmers brace themselves for the race.

*Race begins*

Duncan: And they’re off! USA and South African competitors get off to a good start.

Bruce: We see there that Gack didn’t quite get the start he would have been after.

Duncan: No he’s quite a way behind already. He went with the somewhat unorthodox entry technique of the uncontrolled pin-drop.

Bruce: Yes, he jumped in feet first, holding his nose with his fingers, with only the slightest bit of forward momentum. Not nearly enough to make a real transition into his stroke.

Duncan: Speaking of his stroke, we’re used to seeing swimming competitors going with the “crawl” technique in freestyle events, but it seems Andrew is using a more obscure style here. What do you think of this choice, Bruce?

Bruce: I’m not sure if it’s going to pay off for the morbidly-obese wunderkind at all, Duncan. This doggy-paddle/breaststroke hybrid seems a very slow way of getting an edge on his fellow swimmers.

Duncan: That baggy T-Shirt is creating quite a bit of drag, too. There appears to be some air stuck underneath it, and it’s floating upwards into his face. This is a very strange medal attempt here from Gack.

Bruce: Yes, it seems that he doesn’t quite want to get his face wet. He’s struggling to keep his mouth above the surface in a vain attempt to not have to hold his breath for any part of the race. But surely he’s going to have to submerse his face at some point.

Duncan: He probably doesn’t want the blue zinc-cream on his cheeks to wash off either, Bruce.
Well, the other competitors have swum back past Andrew, who has only swum roughly three metres, and is now grabbing onto the lane rope, out of breath. Considering He hasn’t yet gone underwater, that’s a tremendous amount of moisture on his face, Bruce.

Bruce: China first, USA second, and The Netherlands come in third. China’s swimmer just missing out on an Olympic record, there.

Duncan: Great swim there from the Chinese competitor, a somewhat polar-opposite result to Australia’s Andrew Gack.  Who garners himself a disappointing DNF, as a team of volunteers attempt to pull him out of the pool using a series of large sticks and nets.

Bruce: One can’t help but wonder if the results might have be any different had the gelatinous meat-bag been in a Speedo Fastskin Pro Lazr.

Duncan: Questions will be asked, Bruce.

Kids the world over immitate the “Gack-look”.

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I Wanna See…


When a meteorite from outer space hits a young California girl named Susan Murphy and turns her into a giant monster, she is taken to a secret government compound where she meets a ragtag group of monsters also rounded up over the years. As a last resort, under the guidance of General W.R. Monger, on a desperate order from The President, the motley crew of Monsters is called into action to combat the aliens and save the world from imminent destruction!

Just the synopsis is enough to make me crap my pants.

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Romancing the Bone

I’m a dude. Straight off the bat I’m gunna let you guyses know I like dude things.

I like standing up peeing, Judd Apatow movies and wearing sunglasses on the train so I can check out girls without them knowing. Then seeing if they are checking me out. Then feeling a bit sad if they don’t look at least once-

Okay that last one is an eency bit fruity.

And I just said ‘eency’.


Let me start again…

I’m a red blooded male.

But I’m going to make a controversial statement. Most guys will object to this statement. But I’m going there anyway. Cos I like to cause controversy. And it is this:

Dudes kinda don’t mind romantic films.

It’s true.

Now before you go grab your nearest guy friend and try to drag him along to a special advanced-screening of Kate Hudson’s next abomination, let me explain further…

There is a certain type of romance movie that guys can stand. It has to fit a certain criteria, or else the whole production flies straight over our heads and all interest in the cause is lost. All of a sudden you got your boy falling asleep, texting his friends, texting a girl he knows wouldn’t ever take him to such a shit movie, etc.

I can see the controversy already. Sides are split. Some people are agreeing, some aren’t. (wtf am I talking about?)
So I shall break it down…

For a male human being to tolerate a romance film it has to have:

1. Humour
A guy will be more receptive to a romantic comedy than a straight-up romance film.
That’s just the way it is.
A romance film is like Corn Flakes* to a dude. Corn Flakes are bland, boring, tasteless morsels of flakey nothingness. There’s only a certain type of person that eats plain Corn Flakes with milk. They love it. They think it’s awesome, and they can not see why anyone else would hate plain Corn Flakes.
However, if you add sugar to Corn Flakes (read: add comedy to romance) it all of a sudden becomes bearable for everyone else.
But you can still only have so much before you feel full and bloated.
If you have too much you become sick and vomit up an orangey, yoghurtesque amalgamation. Not nice.

2. A Relatable Actor Playing the Male Lead
Most often, a girl’s idea of the perfect man, or what producers think a girl’s idea of the perfect man is, completely conflicts with what a guy thinks is a decent relatable male leading man.
Sometimes though, the film makers get it right.

Actors men can relate to in romantic roles:
John Cusack (check out the picture… I love him), Humphrey Bogart, Tim Robbins, Kurt Russell, Tom Hanks, Hugh Grant.

Actors men can not relate to in romantic roles:
Richard Gere, Matthew McConaghey, Matthew Perry, Colin Firth, Hugh Grant.

There are also some actors who play characters men can relate to such as Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire, but quickly lose all respect by being complete nut-bags and subsequently guys are more reluctant to see their films in a positive light.

Also, as shown in my list, when it comes to Hugh Grant, guys are divided on the issue.
Love Actually and About a Boy: good.
Notting Hill and Two Weeks Notice: urgk.

Not that I like Hugh Grant films.

3. An Adorable, Relatable (Hot) Leading Lady
It shits me to the core when I find myself in a situation where viewing of a romance film is inevitable, and I find out that I have no warmth for the female protagonist at all.
And by warmth I mean boner.
Unfortunately for guys, for some unknown reason, most romantic films have a shitty leading lady.
Obviously just like how guys’ and girls’ ideas of a good leading man conflict, so to do their ideas of a good leading lady.
Guys don’t want to see Cameron Diaz’s loud-mouthed, ultra girl-power, ladychild, tomboy, completely rude smart-arse bitch of a character succeed in getting her man.
There is absolutely no way a male audience is going to relate to any character Julia Roberts has ever played.
Wont happen.

Actresses men want to see in romantic roles:
Kate Beckinsale, Keira Knightly, Rachel McAdams, Natalie Portman, Andie MacDowell.

Actresses men do not want to see in romantic roles:
Julia Roberts, Renee Zelwegger, Julia Roberts, Kate Winslet, Julia Roberts, Sarah Jessica Parker.

The female lead of a romantic film has to be able to make the male audience fall in love with her.
As well as being cute, she has to play a character that isn’t a complete and utter bitch.
This could explain why after I watched The Notebook I promptly went onto Youtube and watched thousands of clips of Rachel McAdams in films, doing interviews and getting chased by paparazzi all the way through til the next morning, before crying myself to sleep in the feotal position.

Not that I like The Notebook.

Which brings me to my final point…

4. The Male Character Can’t be a Desperate Arsehole
“Oh no, oh gee, I just realised the error of my ways. I guess I was wrong all along! I have to go chase the girl of my dreams before she is out of my life forever!”
This scenario will not play out in any romantic film that a guy will tolerate.
The male character has to be the underdog.
That means more often than not, the girl has to realize she was in the wrong.
This is why we hate Julia Roberts films. We can sense that snooty bitch is expecting guys to fall at her feet.

I’d fall at her feet if I was behind her and someone was pushing her backwards over my body. That would be funny. But that’s the only time I’d be even close to falling at her feet.

However, Kate Beckinsale in Serendipity. I would lick the polish of her shoes if she asked me to. And enjoy it.

For a guy to get at least an iota of satisfaction out of a boy-chases-girl scenario, he has to feel like the male character wants to drop everything and chase a woman that’s actually worth it.
But what’s better is when the girl is after the guy. That’s pretty much an ego-boost for dudes, thinking that a gorgeous woman would actually go to the effort for a regular guy.

If a dude in a romance film is chasing a girl, it should be because he knows she’s heartbroken and she reciprocates his feelings for her back to him, not just because he’s in love with her and decides it’s fate. Fuck off with that shit, that’s crap. Write a real story line. This is why we have no respect for romantic films.

In the long run, they are just plain shit.

So basically what I’m saying is that for a romantic movie to hold a dude’s interest, it has to have humour, but not be too light-hearted, the guy’s got to have dignity and be the underdog, while the girl has to have class, be cute, and not be a complete diva.

But on the whole we’d rather you just take us to see Pineapple Express.

*This reminds me, have you ever noticed how after you have a bowl of cereal, then decide to have seconds in the same bowl straight after, the cereal is always heaps crunchier the second time around? That’s bizarre.


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