Tag Archives: Story of My Life

What Can You Do on a 15 Minute Break?

My work roster on a weekend is so regimented that I am forced to take the prescribed 15 minute tea break rather than my usual weekday half-hour blowout tea breaks.

What can one even do on a 15 minute tea break?

  • Read an article on cracked.com
  • Drink a can of Lift
  • Read several articles on a news website
  • Get through 2 pages on fmylife.com
  • Do a really good poo
  • Eat 2 slices of re-heated pizza
  • Masturbate, like 3 or 4 times
  • Look through random girl’s facebook photos while groaning longingly to self
  • Receive a verbal sexual harassment warning from your boss
  • Write a little-read blog post
  • Play with the CD-ROM eject button

fml.

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How To Get A Girlfriend

So I was hanging around the lingerie department of Target today, just minding my own business for about 4 hours, when it suddenly dawned on me…

I am such a ladies man!

How many dudes do you know that actually devote a substantial part of their weekday afternoons to appreciating female undergarments?

Well, if the looks I get at Target are anything to go by, it’s not a commonplace thing.

So as a massive favour to any desperadoes out there in need of some pointers, I’ve decided to apply my expertise in the world of dating, to write my very own self-help guide…

So without further ado, here is my definitive guide on acquiring yourself a shiny new ladyfriend to love and treasure and etc…

STEP ONE:

Okay, so you’ve decided you want to throw out your pornos/blowup doll/fleshlight and get a real life human girlfriend.

That’s great and all, but there’s still the matter of meeting a girl you want to actually date. But in order to get a girl, you’re going to have to THINK and ACT like a girl.

When I say think and act like a girl, I’m not suggesting anything too extreme.

Some examples I have in mind might include going to the feminine hygiene aisle at Safeway and checking out the products available, or watching Twilight then joining an Edward Cullen Facebook group.

You may also like to wear perfume and pantyhose,  go to chat rooms pretending to be a girl and saying dirty things to random men, then arrange to meet them then stand them up… just to get yourself in the correct mindset.

What you choose to do is totally up to you, but it is a vital step.

STEP TWO:

Once you think you’ve got a good grasp on what being a lady is all about, get changed back into your male clothing and head to a pick-up joint.

Lots of men go to bars and nightclubs to meet women. While these places are acceptable, I find the best place to find women is a place you absolutely know they are going to be… their houses.

If you see a woman you think you’d like to have familiar relations with, simply follow them back to their house. Then hang around outside for a while. When they leave again, break into their house and rummage through their belongings, being sure to wear their clothes and jewelery and maybe even take a short nap in their bed.

transvestite1

Doing this will give you a greater understanding of what they’re like. If you find you don’t share any common interests with the woman, simply scrawl a threatening note on their bathroom mirror and leave. If, however, you find the woman interesting, it’s time to move onto step 3…

STEP THREE:

Once you have acquired the relevant information on your woman of choice, (address, phone number, credit details, name of husband, etc) it is now time to gain her attention.

Firing a weapon in a crowded area tends to work, but if you prefer a subtler method, why not pose as a computer repair man at her office, and while her back is turned, sniff her hair.

When she asks you what the fuck you’re doing, simply ramble incoherently about your feelings and how everyone around you is out to get you and your mother is a brain-dead moron who never really loved you.

This is sure to get you on her good side!

…AND THE REST IS UP TO YOU!

By now she won’t be able to get you off her mind, and you’ll dominate every waking hour of her existence. If she changes her name or address, don’t worry, it’s all part of the falling in love process, and one day she’ll realize it was you she wanted all along.

Just make sure you keep a lock of her hair in case she never returns.

GOOD LUCK!

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Girl Troubles

I had an interesting breakthrough with my therapist, Gwen, the other day.
Luckily she’s secretly taping me and I managed to steal the tapes and create a transcript of the session specifically for this post. Oh, that Gwen!

From the office of Gwen Hollohan, 5/9/08, 2:02pm.

Gwen: So, James, I was thinking maybe we’d delve deeper into what we were talking about last session. I think if we focus properly, we can probably sort that bed-wetting problem out-

Me: *Sigh*

Gwen: You look like something’s troubling you.

Me: It’s just… girls.

Gwen: Girls? *Looks through notes, mutters something about me apparently not being gay afterall*

Me: Yeh. I have trouble getting them.

Gwen: Getting them? Like… understanding them?

Me: No, no. I have trouble catching them and making them love me.

Gwen: I see.

Me: See, I manage to meet girls easy enough. I can talk to them okay. I can lure them in, so to speak…

Gwen: Mhmm…

Me: But, it seems that no matter what I do, I can’t seem to trick them into dating me.

Gwen: James, tell me you theories about being in a relationship with a woman.

Me: Ahh, well… I haven’t really been in any relationships… thus far.

Gwen: Well, tell me what you think happens in a relationship.

Me: Let’s see… well I suppose it starts off when you meet a girl. And then you gotta like, trick the girl into liking you. Cos, like, ahh…

Gwen: There’s that word again. Trick. You seem to be on a common theme here…

James: Yeh, ah…

Gwen: Trick… lure… catch.

James: What’s your point?

Gwen: What do you do if you see a girl you like, at say… a nightclub?

James: Well, I like start chatting to her. I might ask her where she’s from. Then I might make a joke, just tease her a bit, like I’ll be all “You’re from Broadmeadows? Don’t stab me!”

Gwen: Okay… yeh, that could be seen as charming I suppose.

James: Um, then I might ask if she wants a drink. Then I grab her hand to take her to the bar.

Gwen: Good.

James: But this is where I get stuck.

Gwen: Why?

James: Well, my traps never work.

Gwen: These traps… are they metaphorical?

James: No they’re physical. I set up traps and they never freaking work!

Gwen: *Looks confused*

James: Okay, like, the other night I was at a club. And I did everything I just said. And like, I set up a makeship trap using an upturned crate, with a stick with a rope attatched to it holding it up. I used a vodka raspberry as bait.

Gwen: What happened?

James: She could tell straight away it was a trap!

Gwen: I see.

James: She just kind of asked me what it was and I pretended I didn’t know and just freaked out and ran out of the place.

Gwen: What other traps do you use?

James: Ah, well, there was this time at Safeway. I saw a cute girl so I organized a trap by taping an ‘X’ onto the floor and letting go of this giant net when she walked under it.
It landed on her and she kind of screamed so I had to run away before security got me.

Gwen: James, I-

James: Oh, then there was this time I dug a pit outside Monash Uni and like four different girls fell into it, but they all seemed angry so I ran away from that one too.

Gwen: You’re not-

James: If only there was some easy way I could use technology to be able to get chicks. Some sort of device that could give me the power to pick up all the girls I wanted…

Gwen: No, James, what you need is intense couns-

James: Wait! That’s it! I know exactly what I need! Gwen, you’re a genius! I think I’ve just had a massive breakthrough!!! (I skip out of the office merrily)

Gwen: (Gets on speaker phone) Sandra, cancel my one o’clock.

Anyway, the following picture is a result of my stroke of genius. I intend to take it to the patent office tommorow.

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New Sites On The Block

Hi, I have a new website, if you’d care to take a look and tell all your friends about it, so you can say “Hey, remember how we were among the first people to visit Mediocrity Strikes!, the world’s most awesomest website? We’re uber-trendy!”

http://www.mediocritystrikes.wordpress.com

If you have any examples of mediocrity [whatever you believe that to mean] be sure to send them through to me at mediocritystrikes@gmail.com!

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A Train Story

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