Musings of a Man Who Won the Lottery, Without Knowing How a Lottery Works

Wow. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I’d have this much money!

It seems like only yesterday that I was living day to day, trying to make ends meet in my lowly job as a public toilet cleaner.

In fact, it was yesterday… and it was only a week ago that I decided to suck it up and buy my ticket to a better life.

In hindsight, I can’t see why I was so reluctant to ever buy into the whole lottery ‘thing’ in the first place. I guess I just didn’t believe that it was possible to achieve such enormous wealth so quickly and easily!

I’m still coming to terms with the fact that this process is even logical… I mean, if it’s really this easy, why doesn’t everyone just go out and buy 9.5 million dollars?

It’s really quite simple: You buy a ticket that costs eight dollars, and a few days later you exchange your ticket for 9.5 million dollars… hello??? Does any one else want to get in on this?!

Still now, I walk down the street asking random people if they have ever considered buying 9.5 million dollars, and they all look at me like I’m nuts! One unexplainably angry man even punched me in the face when I kept referring to the millions of dollars I’d acquired and repeatedly asked him why he hadn’t attempted to attain the same amount of money for his family, and mentioned that perhaps he was a failure as a father and husband for not buying money from the lottery himself.

In fact, I blame the lottery for not advertising their services more. I’m sure if word got out more about the fantastic service they offer the public, people would just be lining up to buy their own 9.5 million dollars (alright, $9,499,992 after the eight dollars you pay for the privilege!).

Admittedly, I’m no economist, but one can’t help but think that maybe if everyone had purchased 9.5 million dollars more often that the world economy would not be in such a bad shape right now.
We might even all be driving Lamborghini’s and living in palatial mansions right now!

Hopefully I’ve begun to spread the word about the lottery and all it has to offer people. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go yachting!

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How Voldemort Spends His Downtime

You’d think being He Who Must Not Be Named would be a tough gig, right?

Well, turns out being the Dark Lord is actually quite an easy gig with a helluva lot of down time!

Not only is it enough that You Know Who has his own loyal followers, power reserves that would make a WoW geek sweat with envy, and free reign to use the dreaded unforgivable curses…  but also, at the end of every novel, Harry simply heads home for holidays, leaving the magic world and, it would seem, all his Voldie-related problems behind until he returns for the next semesters’ classes…

Which begs the question… What does Voldemort (gasp!) get up to during all this down time?

voldemortcyclist

Cycling.

voldemortbirdwatching

Birdwatching.

voldemortbritney

Driving.

51815389SB005_XmasShop

Christmas shopping.

voldemortreading

Reading to young children.

voldemortband

Singing backup for Rose Tattoo.

Fun Fact: “I am Lord Voldermort” is the phrase you get when you re-arrange the letters from the lyrics to Lady Gaga’s “Lovegames”.

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Johnny’s Playing John… But Can He Play John?

He was one of the most notorious criminals of the 20th century.

John Dillinger rode a wave of notoriety throughout the early 1930’s by robbing banks, killing police officers in cold blood and returning library books well past the due date with not even an apology.

It is only fitting then, that one of the most accomplished actors of our time, Johnny Depp, will be playing him in the upcoming biopic about the ruthless killer, Public Enemies.

The one flaw in the casting it would seem though, is that Depp looks absolutely nothing like his depression-era counterpart.

john2

Where Dillinger had a high forehead, receding hairline, small porcine ears, thin lips and cleft chin… Depp counters these physical features by being, well, stunningly beautiful.

johnny

It is becoming increasingly clear that Depp, delving deep into ever deeper depths every year, is forever searching for the meaty roles offered to an accomplished actor of his ilk.

Which brings us to John Allen Muhammad.

john

Muhammed, speaking from Sussex County, Virginia, where he is being kept on death row for the murder of up to 17 people in 2002, has expressed his interest in being played by Johnny Depp in a film about his life.

While  Muhammed has been told of the effectiveness of modern film make-up techniques in transforming human features, he has gone as far as saying he would considering undergoing a facial re-construction to look more like Depp if that would secure the Hollywood stars acting prowess.

“I seen Johnny in all his movies.” Muhammed explains enthusiastically from his dank jail cell.

“I mean if he can play Dillinger, George Jung, J.M. Barrie… yo I seen that J.M. Barrie… motherfucker had a moustache! Depp aint never had no moustache!… Surely he can play me!”

While Muhammed languishes in his cell, imminent death hovering over his head like a halo, only an evil halo that breathes acid from it’s eyes, we pose Depp the possibilty of playing the slippery sniper on the silver screen.

“Well, that would be a tough one,” Depp says of the role.

“I mean he is a criminal… so I suppose I could play him. I do enjoy playing people on that particular side of the law. And I mean, if he’s willing to undergo a procedure to look more like me that would certainly help.”

With the Muhammed-penned script, complete with barely-there premise, jumpy narrative, and aggressive overtones of pro-Taliban rhetoric gathering hype in Hollywood circles as a potential indie sleeper hit, Tinsel-town players are keeping an ear out regarding big-name actors considering being attatched the key roles.

“Well, without giving too much away, there are a few main characters that are key to the success of the story.” Explains Muhammed.

“Of course there is the main character, me; also my accomplice Lee Boyd Malvo; the elven princess who sent me on my quest, Lady Fallangey; and of course the Rabbit Overlord of the Canadian Black Rebel Nation. This shit is deep.”

When pressed on his view of the potential of casting an actor like Depp into the lead role, an un-named Hollywood producer expresses doubt in the actor’s ability to pull off the part of John Allen Muhammed.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Johnny, I think he’s great. But for obvious reasons I just don’t see him being able to convincingly play John Allen Muhammed, I’m sorry.”

“It’s quite obvious that Johnny’s time as an indie darling is past him. We have to look at young fresh actors to play Muhammed. Actors like Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Kieren Culkin… these are actors I see immersing themselves in this man’s life.”

It seems that whatever your view, this nearly-mentally-retarded-killer/visionary’s life is sure to attract a lot of attention over the coming months.

“Yo I haven’t actually seen all of Johnny’s movies. They won’t let me watch Edward Scissorhand… I can’t see scissors or I get angry, dog.”

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What Can You Do on a 15 Minute Break?

My work roster on a weekend is so regimented that I am forced to take the prescribed 15 minute tea break rather than my usual weekday half-hour blowout tea breaks.

What can one even do on a 15 minute tea break?

  • Read an article on cracked.com
  • Drink a can of Lift
  • Read several articles on a news website
  • Get through 2 pages on fmylife.com
  • Do a really good poo
  • Eat 2 slices of re-heated pizza
  • Masturbate, like 3 or 4 times
  • Look through random girl’s facebook photos while groaning longingly to self
  • Receive a verbal sexual harassment warning from your boss
  • Write a little-read blog post
  • Play with the CD-ROM eject button

fml.

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Money, Money, Money (Must Be Funny)

Money is like a hideously deformed albino dwarf.

I don’t like thinking about it, but I feel at ease knowing it’s hidden in a sock under my bed for when I need it.

I don’t like discussing my financial situation in front of friends. It’s a personal subject and talking about my own money makes me feel slightly uneasy, which is why I instead insist on flagrantly displaying wads of it in front of their faces, and sometimes lighting cigars with it, thereby avoiding the need to talk about it directly.

Unlike a growing number of people around the world, I have a relatively steady job. (And no, as popular as this blog is, it’s not as a professional blogger! *Chuckles to self while puffing from corncob pipe.*

I often wonder to myself what lengths I would go to for money, offering myself likely hypotheticals such as…

  • Would I eat piece of dog shit for a million dollars?
  • Would I chop my own arm off for 100 million dollars?
  • Would I give my dad a blow job and eat my own shit for a billion dollars?

Most of the time I find myself completely disregarding the money and flat out rejecting the absurd scenarios playing out in my mind (although a billion dollars is a lot of money… hmm) .
Besides, I quickly lose interest because I can not understand why someone would want to pay me so much to do such hideous things…

Don’t get me wrong, I love to buy stuff.  I’m completely materialistic and just enjoy having things. It’s fantastic. But I go by the old addage, “work to live, don’t live to work”, which, in a lot of ways is similar to my previous motto, “DOLLA DOLLA BILLZ YO”.

This may be the reason I enjoy watching VH1’s I Love Money so damn much.

The contestants are straight up vile people. They’re stupid. They’re obnoxious. They have ridiculous names like ‘Real’, ‘Toastee’, and ‘Midget Mac’.

But therein lies the appeal. I could watch Whiteboy abuse Mr Boston for hours and still be completely besotted by the whole thing. It’s pure entertainment. I never miss it. In fact I wanna watch it right now!

I can’t stand most reality television shows.
But I Love Money is just so. fucking. trashy.

We get to witness heinous people who in every day life we would probably hate with a passion, embarrass themselves week after week in the name of $200,000. It’s genius.

One of the best aspects of the whole show is the host, CJ, who clearly harbours a burning resentment for each and every one of the contestants, but hides it behind a cool, calm, distinctly urban veneer.

So watch I Love Money.
And if you live somehwhere where the first series is already over, be sure to check out VH1’s next trashy offering… RuPaul Drag Race 2! Should be a hoot!

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Swine Flu Survival Guide

What’s the buzz, tell me what’s-a-happenin’

What’s the buzz, tell me what’s-a-happenin’

What’s the buzz, tell me what’s-a-happenin’

SWINE FLU. That’s what’s-a-happenin’. And it’s a-happenin’ now!

By now you have surely heard of this so-called swine flu outbreak, wreaking havoc in Mexico and gradually spreading to other countries.
In short, it’s the end of civilization as we know it… just like SARS was.

But what is swine flu? How can I avoid swine flu? How can I unknowingly (or otherwise) transmit swine flu among humans?

I decided to go straight to the source to find out.

No I didn’t ask any swine, that would be ludicrous, but I did type ‘swine flu’ into Google, and I must say, I’m pretty clued in on this whole situation… for example, did you know ‘swine’ means ‘pig’???

What is Swine Flu?

Swine Influenza is a highly contagious respiratory disease caused by airborn pig-particles infecting the atmosphere. If breathed in, these pig-particles can cause flu-like symptoms in both pigs and humans alike.
Outrageously outdated scientific theories maintain that these pig-particles are formed from the wrath of God out of pig hair and angel tears.

How is it spread?

Like the seasonal flu, Swine Flu is spread from person to person through coughing and sneezing. Making contact with a pig on the lips is also a sure way of getting infected. Much the same as kissing Kelly Osborne.

No, Johnny! Her Papa Don’t Preach cover was awful!

What are the signs and symptoms of Swine Flu?

Symptoms of swine flu in humans are similar to that of the regular flu, including fever, cough, sore throat, aching body, headache, chills, fatigue, diarrhoea and vomiting.
Similar to walking in on Beth Ditto doing naked Pilates.

(Note to self: Ixnay on the at-girlsfay)

I don’t ever want to catch Swine Flu, what should I do?

The only clear-cut, fool-proof method of never catching Swine Flu ever is to kill yourself before it has a chance at getting you.

I think I have Swine Flu, what should I do?

Urgh, stay the hell away from me for one.
Once you’ve confined yourself to your own domicile, call your emergency services.
A team of government-sanctioned “help-crews” will be at your house within 4-6 minutes.
After covering your house in a germ-proof plastic tent and physically restraining you, the help-crews will test you for Swine Flu.
If you are not infected, you will be sent to a remote island for weeks of further testing.
If you are infected, the military has been granted permission to napalm your house and everything within a five kilometer radius.

“Don’t get me started on Napalm…”

What countries are affected by outbreaks in pigs?

The disease is considered endemic in the US and outbreaks in pigs are known to have occurred in the US, Europe, Africa and parts of eastern Asia including China and Japan.
Australia has vowed to devour as many pigs as is necessary to prevent the outbreak of Swine Flu in that country.

Does Joaquin Phoenix have Swine Flu?

Yes.

Is it still safe to eat pork products?

There has been no link found between consumption of pork products and Swine Flu. But I suppose we’ll all find out for sure when vegetarians and orthodox Jews are the only humans left on the planet.

“I fucking knew we didn’t eat that shit for a reason!!”

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Rudd, Obama Shower Each Other In Praise, Love Juices

Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd met with US President Barack Obama at the White House yesterday.

The pair met and discussed global affairs concerning their respective nations, in what seasoned political commentator Laurie Oakes described as a “diplomatic wank-fest”.

“I think he’s doing a terrific job, and I’m looking forward to partnering with him for some years to come,” Mr Obama said while getting down on his knees, preparing to pull down Mr Rudd’s trousers.

Mr Rudd, kissing Mr Obama up and down his neck softly and tenderly, said it was good to have the US “back on board” on world economics and global warming.

As he slowly rubbed lotion into Mr Obama’s rippling pecs, Mr Rudd discussed with the President the need for immediate global action on the “enduring challenge” of climate change.

“It’s going to be tough, it’s going to be hard, it’s going to require a lot of political leadership,” he said, referring to either the challengers of climate change or to Mr Obama’s so-called “throbbing stimulus package”.

<Mainly ripped off from news.com.au>

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The Adventures of Kevin Rudd: Eyeball Glasses

Kevin Rudd looked down at his desk.

Then up at the clock.

Then over to his fish-tank, where his pet goldfish, Goldy, was swimming with gay abandon.

He looked back up at the clock again. Twelve seconds had passed.

“Shit”, he muttered under his breath.

Sometimes Kevin wished he was Goldy. The world would be so much more interesting if he possessed Goldy’s 4 minute attention-span.
Sometimes Kevin locked the door of his prime-ministerial office, removed his jacket, and pretended to swim like Goldy, waving his fins, giggling as he floated around the room.
At least that helped waste half an hour or so.

“Time’s going sooo slooow”, Kevin complained as he slumped back in his chair, the back-rest pulling his business shirt up above his belly button.

“I wonder what Therese packed me for snack time?” He wondered aloud to himself, as he did so often.

Kevin took out his backpack and opened it up. Inside, his wife Therese Rein had left him an apple, a peanut-butter sandwich, and a Le Snack.

“Oh sweet! Le Snack!” Exclaimed Kevin, excitedly. However, just as he was about to peel off the foil lid, his office phone rang.

“Aw, c’mon!”

He answered the phone. It was Federal treasurer Wayne Swan.

“Hey Kevin,” said Wayne, “Today’s going sooo slooow.”
“I know, right?” replied Kevin.
Wayne continued, “I saw this funny video of a cat jumping into a box on Youtube, but then I accidentally closed Explorer and now I don’t know how to get it back again.”
“Hmm, that’s a melon-scratcher.” Said Kevin. After much thinking he concluded, “Nah, I don’t know, maybe your computer’s broke.”
“Just as I thought.” said Wayne. “Oh well, I’ll just have to buy yet another computer… this will be my 14th one since we took office.”
“I don’t get technology.” said Kevin, scratching his head with a miniature statuette of John Curtin.
“Yeh, tell me about it.”
Both men laughed heartily in agreement and Kevin hung up the phone.

He looked up at the clock again. It was 10am.

“I should have stayed in bed today”.

***

After a relaxing three hour break, Kevin felt refreshed and ready to take on the day’s events.

That was until he was reminded question time would be occurring at two o’clock.

Luckily for Kevin, he visited a novelty shop the day before, and found a pair of fake reading glasses with pictures of eyes on the lenses. He knew they’d come in handy at some point, but didn’t think it would be so soon.

“Maybe, if I wear these novelty glasses during question time, I’ll be able to take a nap, and no one would be the wiser”, he chuckled to himself.

“After all, I can’t be leader of a country and be tired at the same time. That would be unethical,” he continued, clearly forgetting he slept a solid ten hours the night before, and then another two hours during his morning break, and also a quick fifteen minute kip on the toilet just before question time.

Sure enough, at two o’clock, Kevin found himself in parliament, facing the prospect of question time. He looked quickly around the room, and, ducking under the desk, removed his regular glasses, and put on his new novelty specs clandestinely.

“Hey, Kevin, are they new glasses?” asked Julia Gillard.
This was the moment of truth.
“Why, yes Julia, do you like them?”
“They’re great. You look so alert and responsive.”
“Thanks”, said Kevin, pleased he’d fooled one of his closest political allies. “I’m just going to take it easy today, feel free not to ask me any questions, and just try not to make any noise in general.”

Kevin slipped his shoes off,  shifted in his seat until he found a comfortable position, and drifted off to sleep.

***

Kevin was having dinner with his wife, Therese.
Usually Therese cooked, but Kevin, perhaps feeling bad for sleeping all through question time and waking only to find the janitor mopping the floor around him at eight o’clock, told her he’d fix them both dinner for the night.

“I heard question time was interesting today.” she said pointedly, scooping another spoonful of baked beans from her can.
“Oh yes? How so?”
“They’re saying that instead of answering the opposition’s questions you just ignored them and stared intensely into the distance.”
Kevin swallowed, looking up from his can slowly. He decided to use his wit.
“It’s called playing the alpha male. My silence was my sincerest display of raw animal dominance.”
“I heard you were drooling uncontrollably, and mumbled incoherently at random points throughout the session.” Therese continued.
“Just keeping the bastards honest honey.” Kevin retorted, coolly.
“Apparently at one point you turned your head towards Joe Hockey and emitted a loud snoring noise for twenty minutes.”
“Again-”
Therese cut him off.
“You were asleep weren’t you, Kevin?”
“Alright, fine, I had a bit of a nap during question time, so what?”
“You’re Prime Minister of Australia. It’s not acceptable.”
Kevin looked down at his beans and poked them with his spoon ruefully.
“As punishment, I’m going to give you a long, boring lecture, and you’re going to sit in absolute silence and listen to me.” Therese demanded stoutly.
“Fine,” Kevin conceded. “But can I at least wear these new glasses I got today?”
Therese thought about it. “I don’t see why not.”

***

Kevin was riding his bike to work, smiling to himself. He got to catch up on some sleep in parliament, he got away with lying to his wife, and now-

Wait a minute.

When was that meeting with the Nairobian ambassador?

Was that today?

Kevin checked his blackberry. Yes, he was scheduled to meet the ambassador later that day.
“Naw, but that guy is sooo boooring.” Kevin complained to himself.

But then he smiled again, because he remembered his secret weapon.

***

The Nairobian ambassador was sitting in Kevin’s office waiting for him. Kevin’s plan was simple. He would talk to the ambassador for ten minutes or so about an important business deal that could get the Australian government millions of dollars, and then, when the ambassador started to talk to Kevin about his proposal, Kevin would casually switch glasses, and get a quick nap in. It almost seemed too perfect.

“I’m brilliant.” Kevin thought to himself confidently.

Kevin greeted the ambassador, and both men sat down.

“I’m sorry Prime Minister, my eyesight is getting terrible,” said the ambassador, “I’m just going to put my glasses on.”
“Go right ahead.” said Kevin reassuringly.

The ambassador put his glasses on.

“Wow, he really looks interested in what I have to say.” Kevin thought to himself with a false sense of security.

After Kevin finally finished his ten minute presentation, he motioned for the ambassador to begin his talk. Kevin quickly and covertly swapped his normal glasses for the fake ones. However, in his hurry to pull a fast one on the ambassador, Kevin had failed to realise that the ambassador himself was having a quite a nice nap as well. Kevin drifted blissfully off to sleep.

***

Needless to say, both Kevin and the ambassador were quite sheepish when they found out they were both preparing to sleep through each others presentations… especially since it wasn’t until Kevin’s assistant walked in the next morning at eight o’clock that they both actually woke up.

And some say that even to this day, during an especially boring parliament session, when Kevin Rudd appears distant and aloof, it’s because he’s just put on his secret eyeball glasses.

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How To Get A Girlfriend

So I was hanging around the lingerie department of Target today, just minding my own business for about 4 hours, when it suddenly dawned on me…

I am such a ladies man!

How many dudes do you know that actually devote a substantial part of their weekday afternoons to appreciating female undergarments?

Well, if the looks I get at Target are anything to go by, it’s not a commonplace thing.

So as a massive favour to any desperadoes out there in need of some pointers, I’ve decided to apply my expertise in the world of dating, to write my very own self-help guide…

So without further ado, here is my definitive guide on acquiring yourself a shiny new ladyfriend to love and treasure and etc…

STEP ONE:

Okay, so you’ve decided you want to throw out your pornos/blowup doll/fleshlight and get a real life human girlfriend.

That’s great and all, but there’s still the matter of meeting a girl you want to actually date. But in order to get a girl, you’re going to have to THINK and ACT like a girl.

When I say think and act like a girl, I’m not suggesting anything too extreme.

Some examples I have in mind might include going to the feminine hygiene aisle at Safeway and checking out the products available, or watching Twilight then joining an Edward Cullen Facebook group.

You may also like to wear perfume and pantyhose,  go to chat rooms pretending to be a girl and saying dirty things to random men, then arrange to meet them then stand them up… just to get yourself in the correct mindset.

What you choose to do is totally up to you, but it is a vital step.

STEP TWO:

Once you think you’ve got a good grasp on what being a lady is all about, get changed back into your male clothing and head to a pick-up joint.

Lots of men go to bars and nightclubs to meet women. While these places are acceptable, I find the best place to find women is a place you absolutely know they are going to be… their houses.

If you see a woman you think you’d like to have familiar relations with, simply follow them back to their house. Then hang around outside for a while. When they leave again, break into their house and rummage through their belongings, being sure to wear their clothes and jewelery and maybe even take a short nap in their bed.

transvestite1

Doing this will give you a greater understanding of what they’re like. If you find you don’t share any common interests with the woman, simply scrawl a threatening note on their bathroom mirror and leave. If, however, you find the woman interesting, it’s time to move onto step 3…

STEP THREE:

Once you have acquired the relevant information on your woman of choice, (address, phone number, credit details, name of husband, etc) it is now time to gain her attention.

Firing a weapon in a crowded area tends to work, but if you prefer a subtler method, why not pose as a computer repair man at her office, and while her back is turned, sniff her hair.

When she asks you what the fuck you’re doing, simply ramble incoherently about your feelings and how everyone around you is out to get you and your mother is a brain-dead moron who never really loved you.

This is sure to get you on her good side!

…AND THE REST IS UP TO YOU!

By now she won’t be able to get you off her mind, and you’ll dominate every waking hour of her existence. If she changes her name or address, don’t worry, it’s all part of the falling in love process, and one day she’ll realize it was you she wanted all along.

Just make sure you keep a lock of her hair in case she never returns.

GOOD LUCK!

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Sportsperson Endorsements

From Yahoo news:

Cricket legend Glenn McGrath has joined with a group of scientists calling for a new strain of calicivirus to be introduced to kill rabbits. Rabbits cost Australia’s agriculture sector around $200 million a year while also wreaking havoc on native flora and fauna, the federally-funded Invasive Animals Cooperative Research Centre (IACRC) says.

“During my cricketing career I’ve had to deal with pests all over the world,” McGrath said.

“Mainly greedy batsmen who have dug their heels in and refused to budge from the crease.

“But none of those cricketing foes caused anywhere near as much damage as what the rabbit has inflicted on Australian soil.”

You may think this is a strange endorsement, but Glenn McGrath is not the first high-profile sportsperson to champion a scientific initiative…

Shaquille O’Neal: “I’ve scored a lot of points in my time, but one thing you don’t want to score is cervical cancer. Get vaccinated from cervical cancer today… and protect your cervix.”

Michael Phelps: “I’ve swum a lot of laps in my career, but if there’s one thing that I don’t want in my lap, it’s an unwanted child. When you’re thinking of terminating an unwanted pregnancy in the first 49 days of pregnancy, (up to 63 days in Britain and Sweden), think Mifepristone.”

Usain Bolt: “I run a lot. But when I get the runs, I use Imodium. Imodium, so I can run without getting the runs.”

John Daly: “I don’t know what the hell Streptococcus pneumoniae is, but I sure as shit don’t want it… that’s why I got the Pneumococcal polysaccharide vaccine. C’mahn… even big, fat moody bastards like me get vaccines.”

David Beckham: “For too long, bears have been terrorizing the forests of England. That’s why I’m supporting the Labour Party’s bear-culling initiative. Stop the bears before they eat your face.”

Lou Richards: “Where are my Depends?”

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