Monthly Archives: July 2009

Johnny’s Playing John… But Can He Play John?

He was one of the most notorious criminals of the 20th century.

John Dillinger rode a wave of notoriety throughout the early 1930’s by robbing banks, killing police officers in cold blood and returning library books well past the due date with not even an apology.

It is only fitting then, that one of the most accomplished actors of our time, Johnny Depp, will be playing him in the upcoming biopic about the ruthless killer, Public Enemies.

The one flaw in the casting it would seem though, is that Depp looks absolutely nothing like his depression-era counterpart.

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Where Dillinger had a high forehead, receding hairline, small porcine ears, thin lips and cleft chin… Depp counters these physical features by being, well, stunningly beautiful.

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It is becoming increasingly clear that Depp, delving deep into ever deeper depths every year, is forever searching for the meaty roles offered to an accomplished actor of his ilk.

Which brings us to John Allen Muhammad.

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Muhammed, speaking from Sussex County, Virginia, where he is being kept on death row for the murder of up to 17 people in 2002, has expressed his interest in being played by Johnny Depp in a film about his life.

While  Muhammed has been told of the effectiveness of modern film make-up techniques in transforming human features, he has gone as far as saying he would considering undergoing a facial re-construction to look more like Depp if that would secure the Hollywood stars acting prowess.

“I seen Johnny in all his movies.” Muhammed explains enthusiastically from his dank jail cell.

“I mean if he can play Dillinger, George Jung, J.M. Barrie… yo I seen that J.M. Barrie… motherfucker had a moustache! Depp aint never had no moustache!… Surely he can play me!”

While Muhammed languishes in his cell, imminent death hovering over his head like a halo, only an evil halo that breathes acid from it’s eyes, we pose Depp the possibilty of playing the slippery sniper on the silver screen.

“Well, that would be a tough one,” Depp says of the role.

“I mean he is a criminal… so I suppose I could play him. I do enjoy playing people on that particular side of the law. And I mean, if he’s willing to undergo a procedure to look more like me that would certainly help.”

With the Muhammed-penned script, complete with barely-there premise, jumpy narrative, and aggressive overtones of pro-Taliban rhetoric gathering hype in Hollywood circles as a potential indie sleeper hit, Tinsel-town players are keeping an ear out regarding big-name actors considering being attatched the key roles.

“Well, without giving too much away, there are a few main characters that are key to the success of the story.” Explains Muhammed.

“Of course there is the main character, me; also my accomplice Lee Boyd Malvo; the elven princess who sent me on my quest, Lady Fallangey; and of course the Rabbit Overlord of the Canadian Black Rebel Nation. This shit is deep.”

When pressed on his view of the potential of casting an actor like Depp into the lead role, an un-named Hollywood producer expresses doubt in the actor’s ability to pull off the part of John Allen Muhammed.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Johnny, I think he’s great. But for obvious reasons I just don’t see him being able to convincingly play John Allen Muhammed, I’m sorry.”

“It’s quite obvious that Johnny’s time as an indie darling is past him. We have to look at young fresh actors to play Muhammed. Actors like Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Kieren Culkin… these are actors I see immersing themselves in this man’s life.”

It seems that whatever your view, this nearly-mentally-retarded-killer/visionary’s life is sure to attract a lot of attention over the coming months.

“Yo I haven’t actually seen all of Johnny’s movies. They won’t let me watch Edward Scissorhand… I can’t see scissors or I get angry, dog.”

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What Can You Do on a 15 Minute Break?

My work roster on a weekend is so regimented that I am forced to take the prescribed 15 minute tea break rather than my usual weekday half-hour blowout tea breaks.

What can one even do on a 15 minute tea break?

  • Read an article on cracked.com
  • Drink a can of Lift
  • Read several articles on a news website
  • Get through 2 pages on fmylife.com
  • Do a really good poo
  • Eat 2 slices of re-heated pizza
  • Masturbate, like 3 or 4 times
  • Look through random girl’s facebook photos while groaning longingly to self
  • Receive a verbal sexual harassment warning from your boss
  • Write a little-read blog post
  • Play with the CD-ROM eject button

fml.

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