I had an interesting breakthrough with my therapist, Gwen, the other day.
Luckily she’s secretly taping me and I managed to steal the tapes and create a transcript of the session specifically for this post. Oh, that Gwen!
From the office of Gwen Hollohan, 5/9/08, 2:02pm.
Gwen: So, James, I was thinking maybe we’d delve deeper into what we were talking about last session. I think if we focus properly, we can probably sort that bed-wetting problem out-
Gwen: You look like something’s troubling you.
Me: It’s just… girls.
Gwen: Girls? *Looks through notes, mutters something about me apparently not being gay afterall*
Me: Yeh. I have trouble getting them.
Gwen: Getting them? Like… understanding them?
Me: No, no. I have trouble catching them and making them love me.
Gwen: I see.
Me: See, I manage to meet girls easy enough. I can talk to them okay. I can lure them in, so to speak…
Me: But, it seems that no matter what I do, I can’t seem to trick them into dating me.
Gwen: James, tell me you theories about being in a relationship with a woman.
Me: Ahh, well… I haven’t really been in any relationships… thus far.
Gwen: Well, tell me what you think happens in a relationship.
Me: Let’s see… well I suppose it starts off when you meet a girl. And then you gotta like, trick the girl into liking you. Cos, like, ahh…
Gwen: There’s that word again. Trick. You seem to be on a common theme here…
James: Yeh, ah…
Gwen: Trick… lure… catch.
James: What’s your point?
Gwen: What do you do if you see a girl you like, at say… a nightclub?
James: Well, I like start chatting to her. I might ask her where she’s from. Then I might make a joke, just tease her a bit, like I’ll be all “You’re from Broadmeadows? Don’t stab me!”
Gwen: Okay… yeh, that could be seen as charming I suppose.
James: Um, then I might ask if she wants a drink. Then I grab her hand to take her to the bar.
James: But this is where I get stuck.
James: Well, my traps never work.
Gwen: These traps… are they metaphorical?
James: No they’re physical. I set up traps and they never freaking work!
Gwen: *Looks confused*
James: Okay, like, the other night I was at a club. And I did everything I just said. And like, I set up a makeship trap using an upturned crate, with a stick with a rope attatched to it holding it up. I used a vodka raspberry as bait.
Gwen: What happened?
James: She could tell straight away it was a trap!
Gwen: I see.
James: She just kind of asked me what it was and I pretended I didn’t know and just freaked out and ran out of the place.
Gwen: What other traps do you use?
James: Ah, well, there was this time at Safeway. I saw a cute girl so I organized a trap by taping an ‘X’ onto the floor and letting go of this giant net when she walked under it.
It landed on her and she kind of screamed so I had to run away before security got me.
Gwen: James, I-
James: Oh, then there was this time I dug a pit outside Monash Uni and like four different girls fell into it, but they all seemed angry so I ran away from that one too.
Gwen: You’re not-
James: If only there was some easy way I could use technology to be able to get chicks. Some sort of device that could give me the power to pick up all the girls I wanted…
Gwen: No, James, what you need is intense couns-
James: Wait! That’s it! I know exactly what I need! Gwen, you’re a genius! I think I’ve just had a massive breakthrough!!! (I skip out of the office merrily)
Gwen: (Gets on speaker phone) Sandra, cancel my one o’clock.
Anyway, the following picture is a result of my stroke of genius. I intend to take it to the patent office tommorow.