The Adventures of Kevin Rudd: Eyeball Glasses

Kevin Rudd looked down at his desk.

Then up at the clock.

Then over to his fish-tank, where his pet goldfish, Goldy, was swimming with gay abandon.

He looked back up at the clock again. Twelve seconds had passed.

“Shit”, he muttered under his breath.

Sometimes Kevin wished he was Goldy. The world would be so much more interesting if he possessed Goldy’s 4 minute attention-span.
Sometimes Kevin locked the door of his prime-ministerial office, removed his jacket, and pretended to swim like Goldy, waving his fins, giggling as he floated around the room.
At least that helped waste half an hour or so.

“Time’s going sooo slooow”, Kevin complained as he slumped back in his chair, the back-rest pulling his business shirt up above his belly button.

“I wonder what Therese packed me for snack time?” He wondered aloud to himself, as he did so often.

Kevin took out his backpack and opened it up. Inside, his wife Therese Rein had left him an apple, a peanut-butter sandwich, and a Le Snack.

“Oh sweet! Le Snack!” Exclaimed Kevin, excitedly. However, just as he was about to peel off the foil lid, his office phone rang.

“Aw, c’mon!”

He answered the phone. It was Federal treasurer Wayne Swan.

“Hey Kevin,” said Wayne, “Today’s going sooo slooow.”
“I know, right?” replied Kevin.
Wayne continued, “I saw this funny video of a cat jumping into a box on Youtube, but then I accidentally closed Explorer and now I don’t know how to get it back again.”
“Hmm, that’s a melon-scratcher.” Said Kevin. After much thinking he concluded, “Nah, I don’t know, maybe your computer’s broke.”
“Just as I thought.” said Wayne. “Oh well, I’ll just have to buy yet another computer… this will be my 14th one since we took office.”
“I don’t get technology.” said Kevin, scratching his head with a miniature statuette of John Curtin.
“Yeh, tell me about it.”
Both men laughed heartily in agreement and Kevin hung up the phone.

He looked up at the clock again. It was 10am.

“I should have stayed in bed today”.

***

After a relaxing three hour break, Kevin felt refreshed and ready to take on the day’s events.

That was until he was reminded question time would be occurring at two o’clock.

Luckily for Kevin, he visited a novelty shop the day before, and found a pair of fake reading glasses with pictures of eyes on the lenses. He knew they’d come in handy at some point, but didn’t think it would be so soon.

“Maybe, if I wear these novelty glasses during question time, I’ll be able to take a nap, and no one would be the wiser”, he chuckled to himself.

“After all, I can’t be leader of a country and be tired at the same time. That would be unethical,” he continued, clearly forgetting he slept a solid ten hours the night before, and then another two hours during his morning break, and also a quick fifteen minute kip on the toilet just before question time.

Sure enough, at two o’clock, Kevin found himself in parliament, facing the prospect of question time. He looked quickly around the room, and, ducking under the desk, removed his regular glasses, and put on his new novelty specs clandestinely.

“Hey, Kevin, are they new glasses?” asked Julia Gillard.
This was the moment of truth.
“Why, yes Julia, do you like them?”
“They’re great. You look so alert and responsive.”
“Thanks”, said Kevin, pleased he’d fooled one of his closest political allies. “I’m just going to take it easy today, feel free not to ask me any questions, and just try not to make any noise in general.”

Kevin slipped his shoes off,  shifted in his seat until he found a comfortable position, and drifted off to sleep.

***

Kevin was having dinner with his wife, Therese.
Usually Therese cooked, but Kevin, perhaps feeling bad for sleeping all through question time and waking only to find the janitor mopping the floor around him at eight o’clock, told her he’d fix them both dinner for the night.

“I heard question time was interesting today.” she said pointedly, scooping another spoonful of baked beans from her can.
“Oh yes? How so?”
“They’re saying that instead of answering the opposition’s questions you just ignored them and stared intensely into the distance.”
Kevin swallowed, looking up from his can slowly. He decided to use his wit.
“It’s called playing the alpha male. My silence was my sincerest display of raw animal dominance.”
“I heard you were drooling uncontrollably, and mumbled incoherently at random points throughout the session.” Therese continued.
“Just keeping the bastards honest honey.” Kevin retorted, coolly.
“Apparently at one point you turned your head towards Joe Hockey and emitted a loud snoring noise for twenty minutes.”
“Again-”
Therese cut him off.
“You were asleep weren’t you, Kevin?”
“Alright, fine, I had a bit of a nap during question time, so what?”
“You’re Prime Minister of Australia. It’s not acceptable.”
Kevin looked down at his beans and poked them with his spoon ruefully.
“As punishment, I’m going to give you a long, boring lecture, and you’re going to sit in absolute silence and listen to me.” Therese demanded stoutly.
“Fine,” Kevin conceded. “But can I at least wear these new glasses I got today?”
Therese thought about it. “I don’t see why not.”

***

Kevin was riding his bike to work, smiling to himself. He got to catch up on some sleep in parliament, he got away with lying to his wife, and now-

Wait a minute.

When was that meeting with the Nairobian ambassador?

Was that today?

Kevin checked his blackberry. Yes, he was scheduled to meet the ambassador later that day.
“Naw, but that guy is sooo boooring.” Kevin complained to himself.

But then he smiled again, because he remembered his secret weapon.

***

The Nairobian ambassador was sitting in Kevin’s office waiting for him. Kevin’s plan was simple. He would talk to the ambassador for ten minutes or so about an important business deal that could get the Australian government millions of dollars, and then, when the ambassador started to talk to Kevin about his proposal, Kevin would casually switch glasses, and get a quick nap in. It almost seemed too perfect.

“I’m brilliant.” Kevin thought to himself confidently.

Kevin greeted the ambassador, and both men sat down.

“I’m sorry Prime Minister, my eyesight is getting terrible,” said the ambassador, “I’m just going to put my glasses on.”
“Go right ahead.” said Kevin reassuringly.

The ambassador put his glasses on.

“Wow, he really looks interested in what I have to say.” Kevin thought to himself with a false sense of security.

After Kevin finally finished his ten minute presentation, he motioned for the ambassador to begin his talk. Kevin quickly and covertly swapped his normal glasses for the fake ones. However, in his hurry to pull a fast one on the ambassador, Kevin had failed to realise that the ambassador himself was having a quite a nice nap as well. Kevin drifted blissfully off to sleep.

***

Needless to say, both Kevin and the ambassador were quite sheepish when they found out they were both preparing to sleep through each others presentations… especially since it wasn’t until Kevin’s assistant walked in the next morning at eight o’clock that they both actually woke up.

And some say that even to this day, during an especially boring parliament session, when Kevin Rudd appears distant and aloof, it’s because he’s just put on his secret eyeball glasses.

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How To Get A Girlfriend

So I was hanging around the lingerie department of Target today, just minding my own business for about 4 hours, when it suddenly dawned on me…

I am such a ladies man!

How many dudes do you know that actually devote a substantial part of their weekday afternoons to appreciating female undergarments?

Well, if the looks I get at Target are anything to go by, it’s not a commonplace thing.

So as a massive favour to any desperadoes out there in need of some pointers, I’ve decided to apply my expertise in the world of dating, to write my very own self-help guide…

So without further ado, here is my definitive guide on acquiring yourself a shiny new ladyfriend to love and treasure and etc…

STEP ONE:

Okay, so you’ve decided you want to throw out your pornos/blowup doll/fleshlight and get a real life human girlfriend.

That’s great and all, but there’s still the matter of meeting a girl you want to actually date. But in order to get a girl, you’re going to have to THINK and ACT like a girl.

When I say think and act like a girl, I’m not suggesting anything too extreme.

Some examples I have in mind might include going to the feminine hygiene aisle at Safeway and checking out the products available, or watching Twilight then joining an Edward Cullen Facebook group.

You may also like to wear perfume and pantyhose,  go to chat rooms pretending to be a girl and saying dirty things to random men, then arrange to meet them then stand them up… just to get yourself in the correct mindset.

What you choose to do is totally up to you, but it is a vital step.

STEP TWO:

Once you think you’ve got a good grasp on what being a lady is all about, get changed back into your male clothing and head to a pick-up joint.

Lots of men go to bars and nightclubs to meet women. While these places are acceptable, I find the best place to find women is a place you absolutely know they are going to be… their houses.

If you see a woman you think you’d like to have familiar relations with, simply follow them back to their house. Then hang around outside for a while. When they leave again, break into their house and rummage through their belongings, being sure to wear their clothes and jewelery and maybe even take a short nap in their bed.

transvestite1

Doing this will give you a greater understanding of what they’re like. If you find you don’t share any common interests with the woman, simply scrawl a threatening note on their bathroom mirror and leave. If, however, you find the woman interesting, it’s time to move onto step 3…

STEP THREE:

Once you have acquired the relevant information on your woman of choice, (address, phone number, credit details, name of husband, etc) it is now time to gain her attention.

Firing a weapon in a crowded area tends to work, but if you prefer a subtler method, why not pose as a computer repair man at her office, and while her back is turned, sniff her hair.

When she asks you what the fuck you’re doing, simply ramble incoherently about your feelings and how everyone around you is out to get you and your mother is a brain-dead moron who never really loved you.

This is sure to get you on her good side!

…AND THE REST IS UP TO YOU!

By now she won’t be able to get you off her mind, and you’ll dominate every waking hour of her existence. If she changes her name or address, don’t worry, it’s all part of the falling in love process, and one day she’ll realize it was you she wanted all along.

Just make sure you keep a lock of her hair in case she never returns.

GOOD LUCK!

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Sportsperson Endorsements

From Yahoo news:

Cricket legend Glenn McGrath has joined with a group of scientists calling for a new strain of calicivirus to be introduced to kill rabbits. Rabbits cost Australia’s agriculture sector around $200 million a year while also wreaking havoc on native flora and fauna, the federally-funded Invasive Animals Cooperative Research Centre (IACRC) says.

“During my cricketing career I’ve had to deal with pests all over the world,” McGrath said.

“Mainly greedy batsmen who have dug their heels in and refused to budge from the crease.

“But none of those cricketing foes caused anywhere near as much damage as what the rabbit has inflicted on Australian soil.”

You may think this is a strange endorsement, but Glenn McGrath is not the first high-profile sportsperson to champion a scientific initiative…

Shaquille O’Neal: “I’ve scored a lot of points in my time, but one thing you don’t want to score is cervical cancer. Get vaccinated from cervical cancer today… and protect your cervix.”

Michael Phelps: “I’ve swum a lot of laps in my career, but if there’s one thing that I don’t want in my lap, it’s an unwanted child. When you’re thinking of terminating an unwanted pregnancy in the first 49 days of pregnancy, (up to 63 days in Britain and Sweden), think Mifepristone.”

Usain Bolt: “I run a lot. But when I get the runs, I use Imodium. Imodium, so I can run without getting the runs.”

John Daly: “I don’t know what the hell Streptococcus pneumoniae is, but I sure as shit don’t want it… that’s why I got the Pneumococcal polysaccharide vaccine. C’mahn… even big, fat moody bastards like me get vaccines.”

David Beckham: “For too long, bears have been terrorizing the forests of England. That’s why I’m supporting the Labour Party’s bear-culling initiative. Stop the bears before they eat your face.”

Lou Richards: “Where are my Depends?”

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Prehistoric Tree Removed to Make Way For Monument to Prehistoric Tree

A one-million year old Queensland pine tree, the so-called “Woonembi Peace Pine”, has been uprooted and mulched to make way for a multi-million dollar monument honoring the history of the same tree.

The Woonembi Peace Pine Memorial, built on the spot of the original, will contain artifacts relating to the tree, it’s effect on the local community, and even original pieces of the tree, salvaged before the iconic pine was unceremoniously shoved into a council wood-chipper.

“We really believe this over-priced and economically unviable project is the perfect way to honour the history of this mighty tree”, said local councillor Fred Gibbons, “It’s the next-best thing to actually being able to approach the tree and touch it with your own hands.”

It is believed the new high-tech memorial will include an activity center containing a full-scale replica of the Peace Pine. After donning safety-harnesses and helmets fitted with heart rate monitors and personal communication devices, children will be able to climb the replica in order to discover what it was like to climb a real tree.

“This monument will be a 100% modern, family-friendly tribute to an essential part of our local history.” Explained Mr Gibbons, sweating profusely.

Historians believe the giant prehistoric tree was once a traditional meeting place for the local Aboriginal tribes, where they would negotiate peace terms and hold joyous corroborees all through the night.

When asked for comment, a local Aboriginal elder shed a single tear.

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Richie Benaud Undergoes Radical Facelift Procedure

Richie Benaud, former Australian Test team captain, and voice of cricket in Australia for nearly 50 years, has undergone a radical facelift procedure in an attempt to fight the ravages of age.

Benaud, 78, says he was compelled to have the surgery because he just “did not feel sexy anymore.”

“Sometimes I woke up in the morning and looked in the mirror, and just didn’t recognise the face looking back at me,” the longtime broadcaster says.

“Hopefully now this procedure will boost my confidence, and I’ll be able to have my picture taken without shying away from the lens.”

Mr Benaud’s long-time television commentary partner, Tony Grieg says there has been a notable change in Benaud’s attitude since undergoing the extensive procedure. “Oh yes, my word, Richie looks incredible. In fact I don’t believe I have felt this physically attracted to Richie since the days of World Series Cricket in the 70’s.

“I heard he’s been slated to grace the front page of GQ next month, which is simply marvellous.”

Since the change in his appearance, Mr Benaud has been spotted walking contentedly along a beach with a loose, white unbuttoned shirt flowing in the breeze, and driving in his new Dodge Viper convertible, complete with scantly-clad young women running their fingers through his hair whilst giggling.

“This is the new Richie”, says Mr Benaud, “You crackas better recognise.”

Richie Beanaud, before and after his cosmetic surgery.

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Poodle War 1, a Wikipedia Summary

Poodle War I (abbreviated PWI or PW1; also known as the First Poodle War, the Great Poodle War, and the War to End All Poodle Wars) was a global war fought chiefly in Doggie-Europe from 1914 to 1918.[2]

The scale and intensity of the conflict were unprecedented, with more Poodles fighting and more casualties in action than any prior Poodle conflict. About 70 million Poodles took part in the fighting,[3] including 60 million Europoodles.[4][5] New technologies – machine guns, better artillery, advanced logistics, poison gas, aerial warfare and silent whistles – increased the scale of the carnage. The war claimed over 40 million casualties, including approximately 20 million house-bound Poodles and military Poodles dead.[6] Many of the events attendant upon the war – blockade, revolution, genocide and a global plush toy shortage – increased the misery.

The war had sweeping consequences for Canine politics and diplomacy in the rest of the 20th century.

The war resulted in the collapse and fragmentation of the Austro-Hungarian Hound Empire, the Russian Spaniel Empire, and the Otterhound Empire. The German Shepherd Empire was overthrown, and subsequently lost terriers. As a consequence, the maps of Doggie-Europe and the Piddle East were re-drawn; ancient bone-archies were replaced by collie-unist or pembroke-atic re-face-licks. For the first time, an international body, the League of Dalmations, was created to prevent a Poodle-war ever occurring again. The terms of the treaties ending the war, and the instability of new nations, were important factors leading towards Poodle War II twenty years later.

Pictured: General Sir Doglas Haig

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Fidel Castro Announces Plans To Form Run DMC Tribute Group

My Adidas … a “straight-up gangsta” Fidel Castro poses with Chilean President Michelle Bachelet.

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