Swine Flu Survival Guide

What’s the buzz, tell me what’s-a-happenin’

What’s the buzz, tell me what’s-a-happenin’

What’s the buzz, tell me what’s-a-happenin’

SWINE FLU. That’s what’s-a-happenin’. And it’s a-happenin’ now!

By now you have surely heard of this so-called swine flu outbreak, wreaking havoc in Mexico and gradually spreading to other countries.
In short, it’s the end of civilization as we know it… just like SARS was.

But what is swine flu? How can I avoid swine flu? How can I unknowingly (or otherwise) transmit swine flu among humans?

I decided to go straight to the source to find out.

No I didn’t ask any swine, that would be ludicrous, but I did type ‘swine flu’ into Google, and I must say, I’m pretty clued in on this whole situation… for example, did you know ‘swine’ means ‘pig’???

What is Swine Flu?

Swine Influenza is a highly contagious respiratory disease caused by airborn pig-particles infecting the atmosphere. If breathed in, these pig-particles can cause flu-like symptoms in both pigs and humans alike.
Outrageously outdated scientific theories maintain that these pig-particles are formed from the wrath of God out of pig hair and angel tears.

How is it spread?

Like the seasonal flu, Swine Flu is spread from person to person through coughing and sneezing. Making contact with a pig on the lips is also a sure way of getting infected. Much the same as kissing Kelly Osborne.

No, Johnny! Her Papa Don’t Preach cover was awful!

What are the signs and symptoms of Swine Flu?

Symptoms of swine flu in humans are similar to that of the regular flu, including fever, cough, sore throat, aching body, headache, chills, fatigue, diarrhoea and vomiting.
Similar to walking in on Beth Ditto doing naked Pilates.

(Note to self: Ixnay on the at-girlsfay)

I don’t ever want to catch Swine Flu, what should I do?

The only clear-cut, fool-proof method of never catching Swine Flu ever is to kill yourself before it has a chance at getting you.

I think I have Swine Flu, what should I do?

Urgh, stay the hell away from me for one.
Once you’ve confined yourself to your own domicile, call your emergency services.
A team of government-sanctioned “help-crews” will be at your house within 4-6 minutes.
After covering your house in a germ-proof plastic tent and physically restraining you, the help-crews will test you for Swine Flu.
If you are not infected, you will be sent to a remote island for weeks of further testing.
If you are infected, the military has been granted permission to napalm your house and everything within a five kilometer radius.

“Don’t get me started on Napalm…”

What countries are affected by outbreaks in pigs?

The disease is considered endemic in the US and outbreaks in pigs are known to have occurred in the US, Europe, Africa and parts of eastern Asia including China and Japan.
Australia has vowed to devour as many pigs as is necessary to prevent the outbreak of Swine Flu in that country.

Does Joaquin Phoenix have Swine Flu?


Is it still safe to eat pork products?

There has been no link found between consumption of pork products and Swine Flu. But I suppose we’ll all find out for sure when vegetarians and orthodox Jews are the only humans left on the planet.

“I fucking knew we didn’t eat that shit for a reason!!”



Filed under Humour

3 responses to “Swine Flu Survival Guide

  1. Swine flu is the new bird flu, mad cow is already retro! 🙂

  2. Haha, and I thought I was paranoid before. At least now I can be wary and stay away from Joaquin Phoenix (however I was planning to do that anyway after his weirdy episode on Letterman) 😉

    Thanks for the laugh and wit
    Good post, fellow Aussie

  3. Jessica

    Haha, this is a pretty good one. Here’s another one that’s pretty good too http://hubpages.com/hub/pandemicsurvivalguides

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