Old People News (By My Grandfather)

We’re nothing if not sell-outs here at This Is Modern, so in the interests of grappling for the approval of every last demographic on the web, I have enlisted the help of my Grandpa (Gramps) to write a post catering to the people of a certain age of our society, who may feel that they aren’t getting the news they want to hear at more mainstream news outlets.

So the following is a post [that took eight hours to type] by my Gramps…

Dear listeners.

It’s been a big week in old people’s news, so let’s get down the the nitty-gritty…

Those bloody teenagers are still up to no good.
I read in a study in Readers Digest that only 45% of teenagers respect their elders these days, compared to 100% of everyone in the world back in our days.
That’s a decrease of 55% in respect for elders in that time period alone.

This graph I created on a computer programme called “Paint” illustrates my point quite nicely I think…

The price of orange juice continues to rise as the war in the Middle-East rages on.
Old people consumer groups are expected to protest that the government’s orange juice levy be lowered from 5 cents per pallet of orange juice, to the much more reasonable 4 cents.

There has been a serious breakthrough in Alzheimers Disease research at a university in Italy. I’ll keep you updated.

Bowls legend Jack MacKenzie has passed away.
He was the youngest regional bowls champion of all time when he won the Wangaratta Division 1 Golden Meat-Tray four years ago.

Old Man

He died last week aged ninety-three.

There has been a serious breakthrough in Alzheimers Disease research at a University in Italy. I’ll keep you updated.

There’s a computer virus doing the rounds that, when opened, will play loud devil’s music and blind you with constantly moving shapes and irritating lights and colours.
It looks something like this…

Media Player

The weather for next week:

Monday – Cold.
Tuesday – Cold.
Wednesday – A bit warmer, watch out for brown people and greedy Chinamen.
Thursday – Fine again, but those bloody Peterson kids might be out on their skate-planky-wotsits.
Friday – Overcast. Everyone’s rushing to get home for the weekend, so drive down the middle of the road extra slowly to avoid accidents. Possibly with one blinker flashing.
Saturday – Clear, too many young people out. Stay inside.
Sunday – Foggy. Perfect “go for an early stroll down to the shops and get lost in a Kmart” weather.

Shopping

There has been a serious breakthrough in Alzheimers Disease research at a University in Italy… more on that next time.

That’s Old People News for now, thank you for tuning in.

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1 Comment

Filed under Humour

One response to “Old People News (By My Grandfather)

  1. hahahahaha sweet jesus you are crazy. love.

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