2am Lockout, or “How I Learned To Hate Everyone.”

I’M SO BLOODY FUCKING FREAKING FURIOUS!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!@

Okay, well I’m not that angry.

I’m just frustrated that this whole so-called ‘2am lockout‘ (doesn’t the phrase just scream “people friendly policy” right in your face?) will be enacted in Melbourne soon, and the only people getting a say in it haven’t experienced this city’s nightlife since Mo Rene was bringing the house down at the Tivoli Theatre…

Basically the law will be that any nightclub that lets in new patrons after 2am will be severely reprimanded yadda yadda yadda etc etc in the hopes of tackling our marvellous city’s spiralling assault epidemic.

Pictures in today’s Herald Sun did nothing to quell the issue.

CITY ERUPTSSSSS!! ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WORKING FAMILIES OF ‘STRAYA!!!!!
Honestly with a headline like that on the front page of your country’s highest selling paper you’d expect it to be the fucking Blitzkreig!
No shit folks, I saw the front page of the Herald Sun this morning, shat my pants, and promptly ran for the nearest door frame and stood in it with my hands braced against the sides like Krakatoa was busting a nut in my lounge room.

This latest novel idea to punish the majority for the idiocy of the (very) small minority, is even more frustrating as it comes days after K.Rudd, aka Kevin ’07, aka Kevin Frank Drebben, aka Kevin uhh.. Michael Bevan? (we get it, Kevin Rudd’s name can be used against him, get over it opinion-piece writers) announced he’d be lifting the tax levy on all pre-mixed alcoholic beveridges (which apparently are called, no shit… ‘Alcopops’… hmm, for a government so anti-binge drinking they sure do seem to know a lot about booze slang… curious). I mean I don’t really care about that, I need a passionfruit UDL like I need a colostomy bag emptied into my chocolate flavoured Yogo tublet (obscure 90’s snack reference FTW!!1!), but as Dennis Denuto says, “It’s the principal”. He also says “TRAY THREE? I’VE CLEARED TRAY THREE FIVE FUCKING TIMES!”

So the real question is… what to do about all this nonsense? Do we start a riot… instigating a new form of government which will fight for our right to party?

No. We take shitty songs and we replace the lyrics with somewhat funny ones that don’t really last the length of the original song (I get bored quickly).

For the full effect, check out the vid below and read the lyrics to the tune!

“2am Lockout”

You elected Kevin Rudd,
And he wants to thank you thus
Now pre-mixed booze costs way too much for you

Those drink are way too dear now,
And it’s hard to get a beer now
Cos Brumby’s fucking your fun nights out too

(Angels: La lalala lalala lalala…)

2am lockout,
No kicking on after birthdays for you
2am lockout,
No sinking piss somewhere else after two

Well at least they could have taken time, to ask ‘Who will clean all this up?’
Instead of knee-jerk policies, that will only ruin good piss-ups…

Baby get moving (Baby get movin),
We’ll have to stay at this shit club til five,
There’s no point improving (Is it improving…)
When politicians love to drink and drive?

He shot some galliano, and chased it with a jager,
A few more beers, then behind the wheel, and he’s front page of the paper.

2am lockout (it’s such a cop-out),
Don’t forget that nightclub ‘Scores’
2am lockout (Rudd got his cock out)
At that tit bar in New York

Well it’s easy to say Brumby will be
Voted out next election,
But I’ve heard nothing from that fucker Ted,
So the system can suck my erection

2am lockout.

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5 Comments

Filed under Humour

5 responses to “2am Lockout, or “How I Learned To Hate Everyone.”

  1. HAHA awesome post. Consider yourself lucky though that they’re actually kind of listening to the melb ppl and allowing some places to be exempt. I live in shithole Brisbane where we already have a curfew and I don’t recall anyone actually trying to fight it. Fuckin QLD. (I could be wrong on that though, seeing as I rarely go out and am severely out of touch).

    I thought the alco tax wouldn’t hurt me either until I bought a smirnoff ice on sat night (nice of them to remind me of the tax after they’d already cracked it open) that cost me 13 BUCKS. 13!!!

  2. ps your song is amazing

  3. i cant believe you referenced Frenchie from Grease and used the phrase ‘Rudd got his cock out’ in the same post. i am in awe of your genius.

  4. Michelle

    I would like to complain about the 2am lockout the QLD Goverment is trying to impose on Brisbane clubs. You have probably heard it all but I am here to offer you a different response and outlook. I am 19 years old and i go to the valley to club every weekend. I don’t do drugs, I don’t get in any fights. I go out and have a good time. No I’m not completely innocent, I drink alot when I go out, but that can all be part of having a good weekend and a good time. The government obviously expected a negative outlash from trying to set these new laws into place but I don’t think they expected all of the people complaining to be so accurate and correct.

    “It was reported that the lockout had not worked effectively and that the State Government was not going to pursue the lockout plan. In fact, it was reported that violent crime was up during the lockout trial peroid” (http://www.2amlockout.com.au/)

    I could list every single implication this will bring but we would be here for days!

    Here are a few,

    * If everyone spills out onto the streets at the same time- there will be an increase in fights, it will be impossible for anyone to get a taxi, half the people will not go home; simply stay on the streets still drinking/drunk.

    *More arrest- jail cells will be overflowing!

    * It will not stop binge drinking- it will increase it! Most people have run out of money buy the time 2 or 3 or 4am rolls around and couldn’t buy drinks in the club anyway, but they would have alcohol at home and if people are made to leave at such an early time they will want to continue to party; they will just go home and keep drinking and partying to even later hours

    There are so many more implications I haven’t even discussed like what this will do to the clubs intake and business.

    A club is a safe enviroment contolled by security. The thing about violence is that if anyone fights in a club, they are immidiately kicked out.

    There is little to no fighting in clubs- all the fighting happens OUTSIDE IN THE VALLEY! which is where they are sending everyone to at the same time when they are at their drunkest!

    I am not just saying this because I want clubs open until later so I can keep partying, because trust me, me and my friends don’t need to be inside a club to keep partying- we will simply take it to the streets. I am saying this because I am scared. I am scared of what will happen if these laws are put in place. Anarchy and distopia, scenes you’ve only seen in sci-fi movies.

    This will not deter me from going out, this will not make me go out earlier and go home earlier. People won’t change, but effects of clubbing on a friday or saturday night will.

    I really hope you use any of this in any part of your show because the goverment need to know how huge of a mistake they are making. They are so ignorant to think this will change anything.

    Possible ways to stop binge drinking could be to employ what Sydney does and only have specific times in which bartenders can serve drinks. Serve lower standard drinks maybe? The Beat Megaclub has free sausage sizzle every friday night so people can get food into them. Instead of kicking out people that are too drunk into the streets where they can fight, try and help them and keep them in the club and put them in a specific place.

    TO stop violence. Employ more police perhaps. It also links back to the stoping of binge drinking which is the cause of most fights.

    Trying to stop binge drinking and violence all together is a eutopia dream that will NEVER be achieved. But with these new laws they are trying to impose; they are only making it worse. MUCH, much worse.

    Michelle Debert

  5. Michelle

    This is what I’ve been sending out to all radio stations- Do you know of any way we can get directly to anyone that can help us change this stupid law!?!?!!!

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