Musings of a Man Who Won the Lottery, Without Knowing How a Lottery Works

Wow. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I’d have this much money!

It seems like only yesterday that I was living day to day, trying to make ends meet in my lowly job as a public toilet cleaner.

In fact, it was yesterday… and it was only a week ago that I decided to suck it up and buy my ticket to a better life.

In hindsight, I can’t see why I was so reluctant to ever buy into the whole lottery ‘thing’ in the first place. I guess I just didn’t believe that it was possible to achieve such enormous wealth so quickly and easily!

I’m still coming to terms with the fact that this process is even logical… I mean, if it’s really this easy, why doesn’t everyone just go out and buy 9.5 million dollars?

It’s really quite simple: You buy a ticket that costs eight dollars, and a few days later you exchange your ticket for 9.5 million dollars… hello??? Does any one else want to get in on this?!

Still now, I walk down the street asking random people if they have ever considered buying 9.5 million dollars, and they all look at me like I’m nuts! One unexplainably angry man even punched me in the face when I kept referring to the millions of dollars I’d acquired and repeatedly asked him why he hadn’t attempted to attain the same amount of money for his family, and mentioned that perhaps he was a failure as a father and husband for not buying money from the lottery himself.

In fact, I blame the lottery for not advertising their services more. I’m sure if word got out more about the fantastic service they offer the public, people would just be lining up to buy their own 9.5 million dollars (alright, $9,499,992 after the eight dollars you pay for the privilege!).

Admittedly, I’m no economist, but one can’t help but think that maybe if everyone had purchased 9.5 million dollars more often that the world economy would not be in such a bad shape right now.
We might even all be driving Lamborghini’s and living in palatial mansions right now!

Hopefully I’ve begun to spread the word about the lottery and all it has to offer people. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go yachting!

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How Voldemort Spends His Downtime

You’d think being He Who Must Not Be Named would be a tough gig, right?

Well, turns out being the Dark Lord is actually quite an easy gig with a helluva lot of down time!

Not only is it enough that You Know Who has his own loyal followers, power reserves that would make a WoW geek sweat with envy, and free reign to use the dreaded unforgivable curses…  but also, at the end of every novel, Harry simply heads home for holidays, leaving the magic world and, it would seem, all his Voldie-related problems behind until he returns for the next semesters’ classes…

Which begs the question… What does Voldemort (gasp!) get up to during all this down time?

voldemortcyclist

Cycling.

voldemortbirdwatching

Birdwatching.

voldemortbritney

Driving.

51815389SB005_XmasShop

Christmas shopping.

voldemortreading

Reading to young children.

voldemortband

Singing backup for Rose Tattoo.

Fun Fact: “I am Lord Voldermort” is the phrase you get when you re-arrange the letters from the lyrics to Lady Gaga’s “Lovegames”.

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Johnny’s Playing John… But Can He Play John?

He was one of the most notorious criminals of the 20th century.

John Dillinger rode a wave of notoriety throughout the early 1930′s by robbing banks, killing police officers in cold blood and returning library books well past the due date with not even an apology.

It is only fitting then, that one of the most accomplished actors of our time, Johnny Depp, will be playing him in the upcoming biopic about the ruthless killer, Public Enemies.

The one flaw in the casting it would seem though, is that Depp looks absolutely nothing like his depression-era counterpart.

john2

Where Dillinger had a high forehead, receding hairline, small porcine ears, thin lips and cleft chin… Depp counters these physical features by being, well, stunningly beautiful.

johnny

It is becoming increasingly clear that Depp, delving deep into ever deeper depths every year, is forever searching for the meaty roles offered to an accomplished actor of his ilk.

Which brings us to John Allen Muhammad.

john

Muhammed, speaking from Sussex County, Virginia, where he is being kept on death row for the murder of up to 17 people in 2002, has expressed his interest in being played by Johnny Depp in a film about his life.

While  Muhammed has been told of the effectiveness of modern film make-up techniques in transforming human features, he has gone as far as saying he would considering undergoing a facial re-construction to look more like Depp if that would secure the Hollywood stars acting prowess.

“I seen Johnny in all his movies.” Muhammed explains enthusiastically from his dank jail cell.

“I mean if he can play Dillinger, George Jung, J.M. Barrie… yo I seen that J.M. Barrie… motherfucker had a moustache! Depp aint never had no moustache!… Surely he can play me!”

While Muhammed languishes in his cell, imminent death hovering over his head like a halo, only an evil halo that breathes acid from it’s eyes, we pose Depp the possibilty of playing the slippery sniper on the silver screen.

“Well, that would be a tough one,” Depp says of the role.

“I mean he is a criminal… so I suppose I could play him. I do enjoy playing people on that particular side of the law. And I mean, if he’s willing to undergo a procedure to look more like me that would certainly help.”

With the Muhammed-penned script, complete with barely-there premise, jumpy narrative, and aggressive overtones of pro-Taliban rhetoric gathering hype in Hollywood circles as a potential indie sleeper hit, Tinsel-town players are keeping an ear out regarding big-name actors considering being attatched the key roles.

“Well, without giving too much away, there are a few main characters that are key to the success of the story.” Explains Muhammed.

“Of course there is the main character, me; also my accomplice Lee Boyd Malvo; the elven princess who sent me on my quest, Lady Fallangey; and of course the Rabbit Overlord of the Canadian Black Rebel Nation. This shit is deep.”

When pressed on his view of the potential of casting an actor like Depp into the lead role, an un-named Hollywood producer expresses doubt in the actor’s ability to pull off the part of John Allen Muhammed.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Johnny, I think he’s great. But for obvious reasons I just don’t see him being able to convincingly play John Allen Muhammed, I’m sorry.”

“It’s quite obvious that Johnny’s time as an indie darling is past him. We have to look at young fresh actors to play Muhammed. Actors like Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Kieren Culkin… these are actors I see immersing themselves in this man’s life.”

It seems that whatever your view, this nearly-mentally-retarded-killer/visionary’s life is sure to attract a lot of attention over the coming months.

“Yo I haven’t actually seen all of Johnny’s movies. They won’t let me watch Edward Scissorhand… I can’t see scissors or I get angry, dog.”

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What Can You Do on a 15 Minute Break?

My work roster on a weekend is so regimented that I am forced to take the prescribed 15 minute tea break rather than my usual weekday half-hour blowout tea breaks.

What can one even do on a 15 minute tea break?

  • Read an article on cracked.com
  • Drink a can of Lift
  • Read several articles on a news website
  • Get through 2 pages on fmylife.com
  • Do a really good poo
  • Eat 2 slices of re-heated pizza
  • Masturbate, like 3 or 4 times
  • Look through random girl’s facebook photos while groaning longingly to self
  • Receive a verbal sexual harassment warning from your boss
  • Write a little-read blog post
  • Play with the CD-ROM eject button

fml.

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Money, Money, Money (Must Be Funny)

Money is like a hideously deformed albino dwarf.

I don’t like thinking about it, but I feel at ease knowing it’s hidden in a sock under my bed for when I need it.

I don’t like discussing my financial situation in front of friends. It’s a personal subject and talking about my own money makes me feel slightly uneasy, which is why I instead insist on flagrantly displaying wads of it in front of their faces, and sometimes lighting cigars with it, thereby avoiding the need to talk about it directly.

Unlike a growing number of people around the world, I have a relatively steady job. (And no, as popular as this blog is, it’s not as a professional blogger! *Chuckles to self while puffing from corncob pipe.*

I often wonder to myself what lengths I would go to for money, offering myself likely hypotheticals such as…

  • Would I eat piece of dog shit for a million dollars?
  • Would I chop my own arm off for 100 million dollars?
  • Would I give my dad a blow job and eat my own shit for a billion dollars?

Most of the time I find myself completely disregarding the money and flat out rejecting the absurd scenarios playing out in my mind (although a billion dollars is a lot of money… hmm) .
Besides, I quickly lose interest because I can not understand why someone would want to pay me so much to do such hideous things…

Don’t get me wrong, I love to buy stuff.  I’m completely materialistic and just enjoy having things. It’s fantastic. But I go by the old addage, “work to live, don’t live to work”, which, in a lot of ways is similar to my previous motto, “DOLLA DOLLA BILLZ YO”.

This may be the reason I enjoy watching VH1′s I Love Money so damn much.

The contestants are straight up vile people. They’re stupid. They’re obnoxious. They have ridiculous names like ‘Real’, ‘Toastee’, and ‘Midget Mac’.

But therein lies the appeal. I could watch Whiteboy abuse Mr Boston for hours and still be completely besotted by the whole thing. It’s pure entertainment. I never miss it. In fact I wanna watch it right now!

I can’t stand most reality television shows.
But I Love Money is just so. fucking. trashy.

We get to witness heinous people who in every day life we would probably hate with a passion, embarrass themselves week after week in the name of $200,000. It’s genius.

One of the best aspects of the whole show is the host, CJ, who clearly harbours a burning resentment for each and every one of the contestants, but hides it behind a cool, calm, distinctly urban veneer.

So watch I Love Money.
And if you live somehwhere where the first series is already over, be sure to check out VH1′s next trashy offering… RuPaul Drag Race 2! Should be a hoot!

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Swine Flu Survival Guide

What’s the buzz, tell me what’s-a-happenin’

What’s the buzz, tell me what’s-a-happenin’

What’s the buzz, tell me what’s-a-happenin’

SWINE FLU. That’s what’s-a-happenin’. And it’s a-happenin’ now!

By now you have surely heard of this so-called swine flu outbreak, wreaking havoc in Mexico and gradually spreading to other countries.
In short, it’s the end of civilization as we know it… just like SARS was.

But what is swine flu? How can I avoid swine flu? How can I unknowingly (or otherwise) transmit swine flu among humans?

I decided to go straight to the source to find out.

No I didn’t ask any swine, that would be ludicrous, but I did type ‘swine flu’ into Google, and I must say, I’m pretty clued in on this whole situation… for example, did you know ‘swine’ means ‘pig’???

What is Swine Flu?

Swine Influenza is a highly contagious respiratory disease caused by airborn pig-particles infecting the atmosphere. If breathed in, these pig-particles can cause flu-like symptoms in both pigs and humans alike.
Outrageously outdated scientific theories maintain that these pig-particles are formed from the wrath of God out of pig hair and angel tears.

How is it spread?

Like the seasonal flu, Swine Flu is spread from person to person through coughing and sneezing. Making contact with a pig on the lips is also a sure way of getting infected. Much the same as kissing Kelly Osborne.

No, Johnny! Her Papa Don’t Preach cover was awful!

What are the signs and symptoms of Swine Flu?

Symptoms of swine flu in humans are similar to that of the regular flu, including fever, cough, sore throat, aching body, headache, chills, fatigue, diarrhoea and vomiting.
Similar to walking in on Beth Ditto doing naked Pilates.

(Note to self: Ixnay on the at-girlsfay)

I don’t ever want to catch Swine Flu, what should I do?

The only clear-cut, fool-proof method of never catching Swine Flu ever is to kill yourself before it has a chance at getting you.

I think I have Swine Flu, what should I do?

Urgh, stay the hell away from me for one.
Once you’ve confined yourself to your own domicile, call your emergency services.
A team of government-sanctioned “help-crews” will be at your house within 4-6 minutes.
After covering your house in a germ-proof plastic tent and physically restraining you, the help-crews will test you for Swine Flu.
If you are not infected, you will be sent to a remote island for weeks of further testing.
If you are infected, the military has been granted permission to napalm your house and everything within a five kilometer radius.

“Don’t get me started on Napalm…”

What countries are affected by outbreaks in pigs?

The disease is considered endemic in the US and outbreaks in pigs are known to have occurred in the US, Europe, Africa and parts of eastern Asia including China and Japan.
Australia has vowed to devour as many pigs as is necessary to prevent the outbreak of Swine Flu in that country.

Does Joaquin Phoenix have Swine Flu?

Yes.

Is it still safe to eat pork products?

There has been no link found between consumption of pork products and Swine Flu. But I suppose we’ll all find out for sure when vegetarians and orthodox Jews are the only humans left on the planet.

“I fucking knew we didn’t eat that shit for a reason!!”

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Rudd, Obama Shower Each Other In Praise, Love Juices

Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd met with US President Barack Obama at the White House yesterday.

The pair met and discussed global affairs concerning their respective nations, in what seasoned political commentator Laurie Oakes described as a “diplomatic wank-fest”.

“I think he’s doing a terrific job, and I’m looking forward to partnering with him for some years to come,” Mr Obama said while getting down on his knees, preparing to pull down Mr Rudd’s trousers.

Mr Rudd, kissing Mr Obama up and down his neck softly and tenderly, said it was good to have the US “back on board” on world economics and global warming.

As he slowly rubbed lotion into Mr Obama’s rippling pecs, Mr Rudd discussed with the President the need for immediate global action on the “enduring challenge” of climate change.

“It’s going to be tough, it’s going to be hard, it’s going to require a lot of political leadership,” he said, referring to either the challengers of climate change or to Mr Obama’s so-called “throbbing stimulus package”.

<Mainly ripped off from news.com.au>

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